Kids inviting themselves over

amother

Taupe

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:28 am

Would you let your child ask to be invited to a friends house?
When I was a kid (in the 80's) if you wanted a playdate, we asked the other kid to come to our house. we never asked if we could go to their house.
Now, I dont let my kids either. But many times kids call to invite themselves. Or mothers call, "Sarala would like to come to your house to play with Ruchie". I really dont like it, it puts me on the spot. And unless there is a valid reason why not, I have a hard time saying no, if I'm stam not in the mood. If your daughter wants a friend, invite her to your house!

amother

Papaya

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:36 am

I guess I am in a different position than you. One of my kids is having a really hard time with friends and I am so happy with somebody wants to come over to our house to play.

OutATowner

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:39 am

I am comfortable asking my friends because we are all comfortable saying "now is not a good time" if it's not. They might say, then can she come here? Sometimes kids want to get out. The best is when we can "trade kids," younger ones play in one house, older in another. Point is be assertive and sometimes it will work for you as well.

sourstix

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:42 am

Why can't another invite themselves to your house? Isn't that normal between kids? It's not like adults? Kids don't come with cheshbonos. They just want company. They don't Care what your house looks like. I love when kids come over. I'm always honest when they can't come because of whatever reason. I will just say, ok how's not a good time please come and I'll say a better time.

Kids don't get insulted unless you are rude. They take things as is said.

Last edited by sourstix on Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:43 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Amber

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:43 am

How about when a 4 year old calls up to invite themselves over, and you know that they didn't dial your number all by yourself. Please, mothers! If you want to make a playdate for your young child, please put yourselves on the phone- not your little one!

WhatFor

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:47 am

I'm curious if you're currently in the same community in which you grew up. In some communities it was normal for children to show up at the neighbors unannounced in the eighties, and it still is.
In other communities it wasn't normal then and it still wouldn't be.
Have you switched communities or did your community evolve (perhaps to absorb some of those from those communities where it was normal)?

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:53 am

This seems to be done among especially close friends, not casual acquaintances. Feel free to set limits.

In my youth in the 70's-80's, it was rude to invite yourself over to someone else's house (except best friends, who would feel free to say no).

But in some neighborhoods (same town) kids pretty much ran free, and would not only show up unannounced, they might let themselves in and take a snack. There are a lot of variations on standards of behavior.

DVOM

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:54 am

In our community its very normal for kids to knock on my door and ask if they could come in to play. This usually works out fine, but sometimes gets annoying. This shabbos, for example, a kid came to ask if he could play just as we were packing out to the park. I had to say no, sorry, not a good time. Then he came again as we were sitting down to dinner, and I had to say no again. The little guy huffed off, with tears in his eyes. I'd said no gently, but still, that was tough.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 11:04 am

amother wrote:

This!!! I was beginning to think I was the crazy one for getting annoyed at this! I find it incredibly rude!!!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 11:07 am

In my old neighborhood, I had a tiny house, and DD's best friend had a HUGE house with a full play room. Her parents were overprotective, so they were fine with DD showing up unannounced to play.

I had a friend down the street who's little ones started showing up on my doorstep at random times, not to play with DD, but to "visit" me, or to play with my dogs. (By little, I mean they were 4 and 3, wandering around hefker!)

After a few times of being a free babysitter, I finally had to tell them "I love when you come to visit me, but sometimes I have to work or make dinner. If you ask your mommy to call first and let me know when you're coming, then you can visit again". They never came over after that. I guess the mom was embarrassed for sending them over.

When I was a kid, we lived on a quiet street, and there were lots of kids in the neighborhood. All the moms always had snacks for whoever showed up after school. We ran between each other's houses all the time, and nobody knew where anyone was at any given moment. The rule was, you came home when the street lights came on. AFAIK, we all survived.

sourstix

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 11:39 am

Yeh I don't like the 4 yr old calling. That's not ok. I also sometimes feel uncomfortable asking for my kids. So I don't.

I think a child that can play by others on their own can come over and knock on my door and ask no problem with me. It's when they are too young to really be alone that is not ok with me that the mother won't ask rather let the child call me.

mommyhood

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 11:47 am

I love when the kids want to come here, it saves me from going out. My kids friend know that they can invite themselves here.
But to answer your question I don't let my kids invite themselves to friends unless the mother is a good friend and I'm sure she's comfortable saying no.

Last edited by mommyhood on Mon, Feb 20 2017, 12:08 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lavender

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 11:52 am

How about when they call you and ask to come over and you say no. And later on they show up anyways!

Where are these parents and I'm not just dealing with four year olds.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 12:06 pm

sourstix wrote:

IDK, its a bit of a pressure for me when kids come over. I have to constantly be on top of them, supervising...

Quote:

m curious if you're currently in the same community in which you grew up. In some communities it was normal for children to show up at the neighbors unannounced in the eighties, and it still is.
In other communities it wasn't normal then and it still wouldn't be.

Yeah, different community.

Iymnok

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 1:32 pm

Here the kids call each other (after discussing it in school...) then tell me what they planned.
I like having a friend for my kid over, it keeps them entertained.

Often, the kids call (moms may dial) talk to each other, then the moms talk and decide what works -or doesn't.

zaq

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 2:26 pm

Op I agree with you 200%. I was brought up to believe that putting people on the spot in any way is rude and inviting oneself is beyond rude. I deeply resented the year-in-EY yeshiva programs because they forced the boys to invite themselves to people for Shabbos. Doesn't matter that the people are (maybe) only too happy to have them. They aren't ALL necessarily that happy.

But traditional etiquette has gone the way of fountain pens and cursive writing...Nevertheless I taught my kids the etiquette with which I was reared.

amother

Salmon

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 2:37 pm

When I was a kid I walked over to my neighbor and if it was a good time the mother said to come inside, and if it wasn't a good time the mother would say now is not a good time.

Sometimes my neighbor's kid knocks on the door. If it's a good time I open the door and let her/him in , and if it's not a good time I open the door or say behind a closed door, ''can you come back later/tomorrow?''

amother

Coral

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 6:48 pm

I am with you OP. I teach my kids that it's not polite to invite ourselves over. If a kid is right next to us as shul, school etc and they say can I come over, that's one thing, but if they call up or their mother calls up they usually invite us over, and we do the same. Sometimes a mother asks if their child can come, but they include an explanation. I have asked a friend to have my kid if I had a meeting for example, and I explained it to her. (I grew up in the 90's in a family that taught manners)