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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
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smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 6:19 pm
My DS has a lot of challenges socially.
Atm he has one very close friend and no others.
Friends mum keeps on complaining about my DS's behaviour.
Wwyd?
Reply? Ignore? How?
I replied previously thanking her for telling me and that boundaries is something he struggles on, we are working on it...
To be honest, I wasn't surprised the first or second times but now I'm getting a bit fed up. What does she want from me? Rolling Eyes
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 6:57 pm
I would tell friends mom that we are aware that it is an ongoing issue, and that we are working on it. If the mom can be so kind as to let us know when it happens so we can make note, I would be ever so grateful.

I need this mom to be on our side. This is my child's only friend. I wouldn't want to alienate the mom. Mom is concerned. If that concern spills over to my child, it is more likely that the friendship will continue.

That's what I would do in theory. But I have never been in your situation, as my kids are still little.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:06 pm
I'd say, "I am aware of the issue and we are working on it. Please be patient with him." If she can't respect that, its time for a new friend.
(Are you getting help for him?)
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smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:19 pm
amother wrote:
I'd say, "I am aware of the issue and we are working on it. Please be patient with him." If she can't respect that, its time for a new friend.
(Are you getting help for him?)

Yes we are getting help for him and no, can't do this coz he finds it so so hard and is so very miserable when he has no friends. I need this friend. He's a good one.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:25 pm
Maybe tell the mom you're getting him help. What is she concerned about?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 9:32 pm
It might help if you tell us more about what the behavior actually is that the mom is complaining about.
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smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 22 2017, 2:31 am
The only reason I didn't is coz I don't want her seeing this. Not that I think she goes on here at all. So not the type.

The things she comments on are weird things. I don't blame her. She's trying to protect her son.
We are in the process of getting a diagnosis for DS. Most likely aspergers.
DS is over friendly with his friend eg kissing(DS says that the boy asks for it and does it too) , jumping on him, not letting him play with others - he's never said this out right but he does go on and on about how bored he is when his friend isn't there...

So his mum contacts me and I speak to him but he is very hard to get thru to. He finds it so hard to see other people point of view. Sad Sad Sad
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 22 2017, 7:42 am
It sounds to me like for now, play dates need to be directly supervised, with firm but gentle prompts when you see undesirable behavior. If any of this is going on during recess, his teachers need to know to keep an eye on him.

Is he getting one on one or small group therapy for social skills? DD went through a period where she had social skills classes, between 2nd and 5th grade. She made amazing progress, and is very socially appropriate now. She has lots of friends, and she didn't have any before.
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smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 22 2017, 6:07 pm
It's happening during class and break time.
Who's job is it to tell the teacher? I honestly don't think telling the teacher will help anyways.
Yes he is going to social therapy. 1:1. Hopefully it'll help soon.

What would u say to the mum?
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 22 2017, 8:54 pm
My son has ASD, and he's learned social skills a bit more slowly than his peers. His challenges are very subtle, but can still be really difficult. I can remember a period that he went through in second grade where his closest friend began branching out and making new friendships. My son couldn't figure out how to cope with this, and tried hugging or hitting the kid to regain his attention. Obviously, this didn't work. He needed to grieve for the change in their relationship (change in general is tough for him. I can remember him crying brokenheartedly when we got a new couch: "But the old couch is so soft! and It knew me when I was a baby! And our whole house will be DIFFERENT! It wont feel like my house anymore!"). He also needed to learn skills to cope with his emotions, cope with change flexibly, and initiate new friendships. We get him loads of therapy. Luvme, aside from one on one social skills training, your son might benefit from social skills groups which will help him practice his skills with peers, the Superflex curriculem, OT for sensory seeking behavior (all the hugging and kissing), and speech pragmatics therapy. I know that for us, one modality on its own was never enough.

I think I'd call up the mum and thank her for keeping you posted about what's going on in school. I'd always rather know if problems are cropping up. If I don't know, how can I help my little guy? I would definitely speak with the teacher; your son's behavior does sound inappropriate, and in school it's the school's responsibility to provide supervision to ensure that it does not continue. You asked who should make that phone call. I think it should be you or your husband, or both of you together. No one can advocate for your kid like you can. You want the school to be your partners in helping your son learn better ways to be a friend. If these behaviors are happening in playdates at home, I'd again provide alot of supervision, and possibly add some structure to the time they're together. Keeping them busy and productive (building the longest lego bridge they can, any art activities that will capture their interest, baking) will help prevent some of the inappropriate behaviors.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 22 2017, 9:07 pm
If it's only happening in school then this is definitely the teacher's problem. What kind of teacher doesn't notice that little boys are kissing and jumping on each other? I think you should be the one to call to preempt anything else. If other moms start calling the teacher first then she is going to be on the defensive against your son.

Is the mom the type of person you could become friendly with for the sake of supporting the kids' friendship? I understand how hard this is for you but we also need to understand that mom is just trying to make sure HER kid is OK. And depending on her personality it could be very easy for you to get on the same side here with both of you equally wishing the teacher would be more on top of things.

For now, though, you may need some firm rules about physical contact with friends. Kids with Asperger's usually do well with clear rules. Though most little boys do roughhouse sometimes, I think a child with boundary issues is safest just not touching anyone farther than a high-5.
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smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 4:25 am
Thanx dvom and seeker.
Dvom he also goes to ot for sensory input and to music therapy. He used to go to social groups out if school but refuses to go nowadays. Sad
I think ur right that I should speak to teacher even though I don't think it'll help much and also that I should try to befriend boys mum.
What is the superflex curriculum and what is speech pragmatics?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 7:04 am
Would you consider switching him to a school that has a more comprehensive special ed department? I've found that the average rebbe or morah does not have the training to handle kids who are outside the box.

What are you going to say to your son, when one of the other kids tells him he's "gay"? Kids can be really mean. Sad
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smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 7:35 am
There isn't another school here with a more comprehensive special Ed. Not a Jewish one. Sad
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 9:21 am
Luvme wrote:
There isn't another school here with a more comprehensive special Ed. Not a Jewish one. Sad


This is what I really hate about Jewish schools. There is little, if any support for kids with special needs. Everyone I know who has a child with challenges, has ended up putting their kids in public school. The kids get all the services they need, and they absolutely THRIVE!

It's up to the parents and the community to make sure these kids get Hebrew tutoring, and lots of love of yiddishkeit from home. This can be hard to do when you have lots of other kids, work, and stuff like that on your head. Still, with the money you save on tuition, you can buy a lot of tutoring hours, and have some left over.

Unfortunately, yentas in the community will try to make your life miserable because you chose public school. Even if that school is the absolute BEST thing for your child, developmentally and emotionally, they will still judge you - or worse, not let their kids play with your kid. You need to connect with really great people who also have challenging kids, in order to get the emotional support and advice you need to deal with public school issues.

BTDT. You have to be really strong to do the right thing for your kids, and the heck with what anyone else says. If they're such perfect parents, let THEM raise your kids for awhile, and see how well they do. I'm willing to be that they are not lining up to take over your job, so they should just shut the heck up. Mad

/rant

Sorry, this is a HUGE sore spot with me. I can really relate on a personal level with what you're going through. There are no easy choices here, and everything has it's pros and cons. All we can do is daven our hearts out for clarity and wisdom. Hug
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 1:56 pm
Luvme wrote:
There isn't another school here with a more comprehensive special Ed. Not a Jewish one. Sad


Hi Luvme,

We actually did send my son to public school for a few years when he was a bit younger. There is a specialized high functioning autism class in our local public school district that runs on a floortime modle. My son thrived there, and learned and grew so much. It was a grueling decision, but with our Rav's backing and support, we did it. I've never regreted it. When he no longer qualified for that program (he'd progressed so much that he developed out of it) we switched him to a yeshiva. His teachers from that program still remain some of our best and most powerful supports. We seek out thier advice all the time.

To answer your other questions, speech pragmatics addresses social speech delays, how a kid uses thier language to socialize effectively. The superflex curriculem is amazing. It basically works on a social thinking model, helping kids understand how thier behaviors are viewed by the people around them. Our kid has really learned alot from his Superflex therapy.

I hope its encouraging to hear that our son is now totally mainstreamed. He has appropriate friends. He's happy. We still put in alot of work with him, but he's socially aware, empathic, considerate, and flexible. Your son can get there too.
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 3:26 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:


Unfortunately, yentas in the community will try to make your life miserable because you chose public school. Even if that school is the absolute BEST thing for your child, developmentally and emotionally, they will still judge you - or worse, not let their kids play with your kid. You need to connect with really great people who also have challenging kids, in order to get the emotional support and advice you need to deal with public school issues.


FF, I'm so sorry you went through this. I just want OP to know that this was not our experience at all. Those of our friends and relatives that knew that our son was going to public school were certainly curious and a bit baffeled (remember, as I mentioned before, that my son's challenges are very subtle. You'd have to know him very well, and see him in very specific cercumstances to notice his challenges. And even then, you might just think that the kids a little spacy, or a little impulsive) but were kind and respectful when we explained our reasoning.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 4:50 pm
Is the superflex curriculum something that regular parents can access to teach their children?
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smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 5:41 pm
Wow dvom. Ur such a good mum.
I wish I had the strength to go against the grain of the community and my family and to put him in a place that's good for him.
In my close knit community people only do that if their kids are severely special needs.
Shame really. Sounds like ur DS gained loads. So happy to hear that there is hope. Thanx for sharing it all.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 6:14 pm
amother wrote:
Is the superflex curriculum something that regular parents can access to teach their children?

Yes, it's very accessible. Look it up on socialthinking.com. There are probably teacher guides you can buy but I found that a combination of information from the website (they have a wealth of articles and posts) and the curricular materials were enough for me to at least start working with.
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