Why are rich people hated?

chicco

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 9:56 am

I don't hate rich people. There are rich people in my life that I love, and those that I don't care for, but even the ones I love, I struggle with some times. No matter how down to earth they seem, or how charitable, or generous, there is a lack of appreciation for someone who can't just have everything that suits their fancy or even anything that makes their lives easier. Confronting this often can lead to resentment. I have also experienced plenty of rich people who are sweet and lovely, and will be your best friend...until they have a function or a family thing, and then all of the sudden they transform into people who quite literally belong to a different class and make you feel it. I'm not talking about wearing fancier clothes or showing you up, I'm talking about the attitude that always seems to emerge at some point. They are trained with a strong family culture of needing to present themselves a certain way and behave accordingly at these functions.

I've encountered this many times. I made rich friends in seminary, and even in married life with girls I really clicked with, but then, once in their parents' homes, or at their Simchas, some sort of transformation is required, that totally makes me feel like second or third class.

This is my personal experience, but even still, I don't as a rule hate rich people, but I am cautious.

amother

Purple

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 10:02 am

ectomorph wrote:

best answer. Lol.

I'm puzzled because usually everyone wants to be friends with rich people.

I for one would love some rich friends. I am fascinated by the lifestyle. How do you decide where to go for Pesach? Do nannies toilet train? What age do you start Botox?

Not all rich people live that way. We have some extremely wealthy friends and acquaintances, the kind who are written up on Forbes and the WSJ. One doesn't even have cleaning help!

I suppose some people want to be friends with the wealthy because they think it will get them "things." Others don't want to be because they're jealous.

But for the most part, I don't think that people hate the rich. They dislike people with an entitled attitude, people who treat others poorly, and people who look down on others. People like that exist in all socioeconomic groups, but its most noticeable among the wealthy, simply because they can afford to open act that way. Like former classmates of mine who declared that they wanted to raise their kids in a wealthy enclave, so their kids would never have to see or meet poor people. Obnoxious. A poor person might be equally obnoxious, but not have the wherewithal to make a similar declaration.

amother

Navy

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 11:43 am

I wouldn't say that we are super-wealthy, but we definitely have more money than most people our age, b"H. I grew up in a comfortable home and my DH is very successful, we've made some good investments, and we have plenty to live off of. B"H a million times.

Do people hate me? I sure hope not! Most people don't know how much we have, but somehow the tzedaka organizations have figured it out and invite us to their fancy, "exclusive" parlor meetings - there's one organization in town making an event for only certain people, and they sent us - get this - fresh, hand-delivered orchids for Shabbos, a fancy invitation (with the flowers), and, on the morning of the event, a box of fresh pastries.

Quite frankly, we found it to be a brilliant marketing ploy, but it's kind of disgusting. I hate being treated like this, that people think they need to butter us up to give them money. We will give them what we think is appropriate and that's it.

Yes, the organizations want large contributions. No, we don't always give them what they want - not because we can't, but because we'd rather contribute to causes more dear to us (and family first, always). Does that make us stingy? Do people hate us? Why is it their business?

Our house is modest but comfortable. One day we plan on extending it, but we are not showy people. We drive late-model cars, but not Lexuses or BMWs or even Volvos. Our kids wear clothes from Target and Children's Place and WalMart - I hate shopping at the Jewish stores and am uncomfortable when my mother insists on buying designer dresses for my daughter. The kids don't know that we are better off than most of their friends - we teach them the value of a dollar from early on. I work (admittedly part-time and flexible) even though we don't "need" my salary.

If our income continues at the rate it's at now, we will iy"H be very wealthy one day. I hope to retain our values throughout.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 12:01 pm

I think, particularly among friends/acquaintances, that sometimes it's the logistics of not relating. For example, two neighbors are talking about the upcoming Pesach while their children play together. The one barely scraping by talks about how hard it is this year because there's a ton of chol hamoed and neither she or her dh can take off and they have no idea what they'll do for childcare, and she's worried that the kids will end up in front of videos every day and lose the spirit of the chag. The wealthier woman sympathizes, and relates that she is also worried about the spirit of the chag. She keeps telling her dh that she wants to stay home so the kids can get the experience of making Pesach and seder in their own home where they don't have to pick and choose which of their sefarim to bring along, and he keeps insisting that they go back to the hotel his whole family goes to.

Both are equally valid problems. but the woman barely scraping by often has a hard time not only relating to her compatriot, but even listening to her at all. She doesn't think the wealthier woman shouldn't have what she has, but possibly that she has no right to complain about it. She feels "other", and may even be upset about an offer to watch her kids while she's at work because this woman doesn't have to work, especially if she ends up having to take her friend up on that offer. In order to avoid provoking resentment, the woman with more often needs to figure out what she can say and what she can't, unless a friendship is very secure.

ETA: Cross-posted with Aqua. This is sort of what I mean.

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 12:07 pm

I'm going to add that I used to be part of a group that got together to learn once a week. Almost everyone in the group was pretty comfortable besides me. Even though they are nice people, after the learning, conversation always drifted to the bungalow colony, or the live-ins, or the extravagant winter vacation, or all the cleaning help they had before pesach, or the 5 course 5 star meals they were preparing for shabbos. I always came home depressed until I realized these meeting were bad for me. I have become distant from these people. It is based on jealousy, but it makes me so uncomfortable to sit in these conversations and feel left out and second class.

amother

Amber

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 12:20 pm

I like this question, and it made me think a lot.... We are not rich but not poor bh We both work really really hard to finish the month

It's not that I hate u guys and I honestly don't think I am jealous, BUT I don't want to generalise so I'll put it this way =alot of rich pple make me feel terrible seriously terrible and they make me feel like they are superior. So I just stay away
I'm not saying that u r like this but maybe u can help me understand why is this so?
What makes u better than others? I would say it should be the other way around if anything bc of how hard some pple with no money how hard they work and all their struggles ect
Please help me understand why I would feel this feeling, thanks so much! And btw I'm sure you are amazing person......

WhatFor

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 12:21 pm

amother wrote:

Why do people resent and hate wealthy people? Why do people assume that I am bad person or that I am snobby just because I live in a bigger house and have more money then they do? Please give me honest opinions.

Why do you assume that people hate you and that if they do, it's because you live in a bigger house or have more money than they do? Can you provide an example of how this has played out?

I am in touch with a variety of social circles with people at various socioeconomic levels, and frankly, I don't find that most wealthy people are disliked on account of their wealth.

Certainly some wealthy people are disliked just like some poor people are disliked, but it's almost always due to poor character as opposed to excessive wealth.

Look at a prior post by amother who dislikes her wealthy sister- the post is peppered with references to her sister's poor character. How much do you want to bet that if the family member was the sweetest sister who constantly took interest and genuine concern in amother's life, amother wouldn't be so resentful?

The fact that you're attributing this dislike to your financial status suggests that you identify very closely with your financial status. (IOW, you didn't write, "why do people dislike me because I have (fill in the attribute - strong political opinions, a great voice, good looks, tremendous artistic ability, etc)".

At a relatively benign level, if your identification with your wealth comes across to other people, and they assume that you see people through a prism of financial status, less wealthy people may simply assume they have nothing to offer you and you would be uninterested. Note this doesn't mean that they necessarily even feel badly about that- just that they think your interests would be different, less in common, so they don't reach out as much. They may think that you believe wealth = worthiness, they aren't wealthy and don't believe that, so they just don't gravitate toward you.

If you don't identify deeply with your wealth per se, but it just is naturally a part of your everyday life, less wealthy people may still feel like they have less in common with you when you're, for example, talking about what tiles to use while you're redoing your kitchen, while in their heads they're wondering how they're going to afford their children's tuition. They may never have redone their kitchen, so they would have nothing to add to that conversation. If many of your conversations are like that, they may eventually tune out and distance themselves. Again, they aren't necessarily resentful- they're just unconnected to that.

If this is something that really bothers you, when speaking to people of different socio economic backgrounds, focus on things you have in common. Get involved in volunteering. That doesn't mean donating to chessed organisations, it can mean hands-on volunteering. I find volunteering brings together people from all different backgrounds with a shared value.

If you would like to use your wealth to further causes, you can also host or organize fundraising events.

In sum, I think few people would dislike you on account of your wealth alone (although I'm sure there are exceptions).

amother

Seashell

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 12:28 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Like I said above, people are nicer to (or fascinated by Confused

) wealthy people.
Don't know if you were serious, but it's really obvious IRL when people become friends with you because they want to know the answers to questions like this. Imagine someone at work was super nice to you and when you finally go out together she spends the entire time grilling you about orthodox customs Rolling Eyes

'so you HAVE to move your beds apart?? Omg. What about a kiss? What if you're really sad? Wow. So everyone you know does this? What if you don't do it? What if you try?' Arggh.
Anyway, you can use your own imagination to answer all those questions. What would you do if you got a pesach vacation as a gift? How would you decide where to go? Would you want someone else toilet training your kid? Would you want a nanny? Do you wish to inject your face with a substance that freezes your natural face into a surprised expression forever?

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 12:42 pm

I am not wealthy but I agree a little bit with the op. I think it's a culture thing in frum circles. No-one actually says it out loud but in the old stories, tzadikkim are often poor, then there is always the rich poretz who is cruel for kicking out the poor family who couldn't pay rent. erm...doesn't the poretz have his own bills to take care of? Is he supposed to run a charity shelter?

Or I once heard a story of a rich man who hosted a rebbe and everyone (who came to visit the rebbe) was walking all over his rug with muddy shoes. The moral of the story was that he should look at the mud as extra points in oilam habo. The question I really wanted to ask at the time was "why can't people have respect and remove their muddy shoes before walking all over someone's beautiful carpet?"

There doesn't seem to be any respect in our culture for people who work hard to make a good living.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 12:42 pm

FWIW there are some people, be them wealthy, from prominent families, or blessed with beauty and good taste, who treat others like they are less than them. They're condescending and only give time to people they think are worth it. However I don't think you, OP, fit that bill because you actually seem insecure. You're asking a forum full of very varied women why you are 'hated.' You obviously feel lonely. Do people suspect there's something dubious in the way you came about your money? Have you or your family members hurt people in other ways? If there is no story, just be friendly and a good listener and I think you'll discover there are lots of lovely people out there, and your wealth does not make you hated.

amother

Gold

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 12:48 pm

I think hate is a strong word. I do find that I relate better to more simpler types of people, they could have millions in the bank but if they live simply than I am more comfortable talking to them. Honestly, not sure exactly why, I am sure it is a chisaron in myself and not the other way around. That said, I remember years ago when I was having a major anniversary and a close wealthy friend just kept going on and on about how she couldn't believe that we were staying local to celebrate instead of flying to another state or country and for some reason this really made me re-think the friendship, I guess cuz it sparks jealousy and I don't like to feel jealous if I can avoid it. If she would have gone on and on about how she doesn't know why we went out for milchigs instead of fleishigs for a dinner celebration then that wouldn't have bothered me the same way.

amother

Tan

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 12:51 pm

Here is a tip for well off women who want close family and friends to be comfortable with them. Be matter of fact about your wealth and don't excuse it. I have a close relative who is married a quite wealthy guy (self made, if that matters). In the beginning, there was no problem and I was genuinely happy for her. Yes, I am struggling, but I love her and I was happy she was getting beautiful things and living in luxury. But then she started ”excusing” her lifestyle. For example, she would get an expensive piece of jewelry or go on an extravegant vacation and I would complement or comment on it to her and she would say, “normally I wouldn't spend so much, but I had a really hard month, so dh felt I should get something”. It was like, guess what, I also had a really hard month and I didn't even get takeout. The reason you got such a wonderful gift and/or vacation is because your dh is b”h very successful and can afford it. When she bought a new house after just 1 year of marriage, she would make sure to let everyone know that she didn't buy a more expensive house and didn't do Xyz upgrades etc because she was so thoughtful. It would have been so much easier if she would respond to my complement with a simple “thanks so much, dh had really nice taste etc.” I wouldn't even mind if she would come over to site me specifically, "do you like my birthday gift etc.?” since I have a close relationship to her, I was able to have a discussion with her in the topic, and it has gotten much better and she actually was relieved that she could just be herself and everyone is so much more comfortable this way.