What can I do to involve dh?

amother

Bronze

Tue, Feb 28 2017, 10:41 pm

Dh is wonderful but so much of the baby is on me. I have to feed, I keep baby close to me at night, etc. Besides for having him change diapers and playing when up, what can I do to give him more responsibility so that he feels more involved and so that I can set up a healthy pattern (surrendered wife style) where I'm not doing, or feel like Im the one doing, everything.

Dh commented to me "baby likes you more than me" so I explained skin to skin and how baby is physically comforted etc and suggested that he also do skin to skin. I don't want dh to have that association and I also don't want it to be true.

Any suggestions or practical tips? Like now that cord fell off he can do bathtime.

amother

Puce

Tue, Feb 28 2017, 10:51 pm

you mentioned the cord - are you talking about a newborn?

there aren't too many things to do with a newborn... my DH took the lead in my home with calming a crying infant (if your baby is less than 6 weeks old you likely will see an increase in crying from what you have now), that was big - and made him feel important and confident as a dad, and it gave me a break.

amother

Puce

Tue, Feb 28 2017, 11:56 pm

amother wrote:

Yes our first, less than 2 weeks old
Ik there's not much...

Mazel tov! Baby "likes" you more now because you are the food source. But really "like" is a silly word to use with a newborn. Sounds like DH is doing great (there are dad's who don't 'do' diapers....). Does he talk to baby? Sing to baby? If skin to skin is not something he's comfortable with, don't push it.

cinnabuns

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 2:34 am

Make sure to 'need' your husband, verbally. I don't know your love language- ask him for a lot of that. Don't say no to any offer of helping with the baby. Ask him to hold the baby to burp, or for an hour so you can rest, or just to give you a break.. he should be the one fielding calls and visits and taking care of breakfast and supper and laundry.

Really right now is about you and your healing. Do all you can (which means stay in bed and don't do anything like cleaning out cooking) until 6 weeks have passed. And he should understand that right now is the most important and crucial bonding time you can have with your baby, and he should make it his business to help you bond and connect to your baby..

Feel good!! Enjoy your new baby!!!!

water_bear88

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 5:58 am

Skin-to-skin is awesome, and the baby will be less confused about being on Abba vs Ima once his/her rooting reflex disappears. If you have a recliner or a couch, have him lie down at an angle (less than 45 degrees, I'd say) and give the baby tummy time on his chest. It totally counts while they're learning to lift their heads- they don't need to be flat on the floor and it's so much calmer if it doubles as cuddle time.

mommish613

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 9:31 am

Not every husband is comfortable with newborn care...mine def isn't. He starts bonding with them when they are 3-4 months and less helpless. And that's okay, I don't feel it's necessary to push a baby on him if he's not ready. Like some other amothers wrote there's nothing wrong with having him be involved in buying baby supplies, caring for your needs etc until he's ready

Rutabaga

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 10:29 am

Are you breastfeeding? Call your insurance and see if they will cover a breast pump. Try to build up a small supply of milk so that your husband can take over at least one feeding and you can have a little extra stored in the freezer. That will be helpful in case of an emergency.

There is something about feeding a baby that encourages bonding. Plus if DH can take over a night or early morning feeding then you can get at least one longer stretch of uninterrupted sleep which is an amazing gift. It's also a good idea to get the baby used to taking a bottle so you will be able to leave him/her at home once in a while.

cozyblanket

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 11:00 am

Rutabaga wrote:

Yes, I one of my babies had practice with a bottle at a few weeks old and then had a month or so off. She then refused it and I was supposed to start an internship and I was panicked I would have to cancel it bc the baby wouldn't eat without me! We worked really really hard fixing that situation...

So after that, at about 2.5 weeks of age, I always started about 2 (maybe 3 when they are a bit older - like 6 weeks -so they really don't revolt against me) bottles per week and didn't stop until I was back at work and they were having a few bottles a day. That way I didn't have to panic again. I pumped and had someone else feed it to the baby. This would be a great way to involved DH.

In addition to the other wonderful suggestions you have above, of course - particularly bathing and skin to skin!

pause

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 11:09 am

My husband brought me meals to bed while I was nursing (those newborn feeds take forever!).

In middle of the night, baby didn't always settle down after a nursing session, and I needed to sleep, so DH would take over the baby (burp, try to rock to sleep, etc) until I needed to nurse again.

Iy"h with your next, DH will be able to help with the older child.

Doing pamper changes is amazing. Many fathers don't. In order to have DH do it, I asked him to do it when there was no other option, not when I'm just sitting around doing nothing anyway. Eventually, it became a job that is equally mine and his. For example, after I finished nursing and I wanted to take a long relaxing shower, I'd hand over baby to DH and say "He needs a pamper change now." and hop off into the shower.

keym

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 11:26 am

First of all I strongly believe baby prefers cuddling with mom over anyone irrelevant of food, but because thats what its used to for the past 9 months. Mommy sounds, mommy smells, etc.
Second, as long as you dont hog the baby, and you give regular chores like an occasional diaper or bath, dont worry about dh bonding. It will come. Maybe not until 2 months when baby smiles, or 4 months when baby is more fun, or 6 months when baby cries when he leaves, or a year when he says dada or Totty or something. If your husband is normal they will bond and pushing wont expediate the process. It will just give you and him a lot of stress.

Ruchel

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 12:39 pm

I do child led on demand exclusive breastfeeding for newborns. DH has plenty to do. He can do everything: bath, diapers, cuddling, dressing, bringing baby to you and back, talking to you while you nurse so you don't get aslepp... Just not bottles/solids yet.

Water Stones

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 2:04 pm

When my baby was an infant my dh wore a baby carrier that is like a t shirt with a snug pouch in the front. He put on the shirt, snug her into it when she didn't like to lay down and he wore her around the house while I did house work. That was a big help for me.

mha3484

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 3:22 pm

Babies often just want to be held. DH will hold them while I cook. shower do anything. As they get a little bigger they will be more playful and he can show the baby toys and read books. I will never forget when my oldest was a baby, I woke up one morning to DH reading him an article from the adult mishpacha. Maybe its why he has such a good vocabulary today.

lucky14

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 3:58 pm

My baby much preferred me until he got a bit older, but now he switches back and forth, wanting one of us more than the other at different times. So it may take a bit of time. As others suggested skin to skin and carrying in a baby carrier are both great bonding times. My baby would sometimes nap in my husbands arms and it was so so sweet!
For newborns there isn't much to do with them other then feeding and holding and changing diapers, when your baby gets older playing and reading with them is the best bonding experience!

little neshamala

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 4:05 pm

I think its a personality thing. My DH loves babies-always has, even as a kid. He pretty much did everything besides nurse.
What is there that he can do? You mean, what cant he do? Nurse. Thats it.
If he wants, he can burp, change, swaddle, rock, cuddle, bathe, dress, swing, hold the baby at all the times when you are not actively nursing.