No gift from Aunt & Uncle vent

amother

Ginger

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 12:46 pm

My husband's brother and his family live in our community and we have similar aged children. And we are pretty close, sharing holidays together etc.

We made our first bat mitzvah and they gave a generous gift (which was acknowledged with a written thank you card).

They made a bar mitzvah, we gave a generous gift.

We made a second bat mitzvah soon after their bar mitzvah (a few months) and there was no gift. We never mentioned anything to them, but my daughter was disappointed. We explained to her that not everything is about the gift and we let it go. We assumed they just forgot.

They made a bar mitzvah the next year, we again gave a generous gift.

We made a bar mitzvah a few years later, and again, no gift.

My husband is pretty upset - he said for their next simchas we shouldn't give them anything.

Why wouldn't they give a gift? It doesn't have to be generous - it can be anything! Just acknowledge their niece and nephew?

Vent over!

animeme

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 12:54 pm

Maybe their financial situation has changed. Maybe they stopped giving gifts when their number of simchas increased. Maybe their life is very hectic due to something you do or don't know about, and its hard to get themselves together. There are lots of possibilities.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:05 pm

animeme wrote:

None of these are excuses. We invited a lot of people and almost all gave gifts - I did not go through the guest like checking off people, but some guests brought gifts to the house after the simcha and some guests have mentioned to me that they haven't forgotten they just didn't drop it off yet. Not one comment from them, not even a card.

Do you want me to believe that they NEVER give gifts?? Because I would find THAT hard to believe.

BTW, my sil is a big spender - my bil is always complaining about her shopping so much - so I don't think it's financial.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:09 pm

amother wrote:

please do not judge based on what you know! do you keep track of their checkbook?

amother

Azure

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:12 pm

I also found that relatives gave a gift a for my older daughters bas mitzva, but not the second. I honestly can't recall if they gave anything for my sons bar mitzva. (they did travel in from a distance for all these simchos, so I wouldn't necessarily expect a gift on top of that in any case)

Luckily my kids didn't notice.

I wonder if there is an inyan to give to the oldest child, and not any others? Personally, if that is your thing, don't give gifts to any of my kids. I don't like treating kids differently based on stuff like that.

Some people are just disorganised. Maybe your bil and his wife got it together for the first, but not for the others.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:13 pm

amother wrote:

please do not judge based on what you know! do you keep track of their checkbook?

True - but like I said in the original post - it doesn't have to be a big deal - for my daughter they could have bought her some cheap jewelry or a bag - for my son, they could have bought a sefer. Just SOMETHING would have been better than NOTHING

amother

Ginger

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:18 pm

At this point I'm not expecting anything - for my daughter I thought it was a fluke, but then it happened again.

I guess the problem is what to do for their next simchas? I don't want to seem petty and not gift their kids, it doens't seem fair to the kids, but that's what my husband wants

amother

Plum

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:26 pm

If you can't afford to give a gift then don't. I wouldn't not give just because they didn't give to your kid a gift.
I have given some gifts but as money got tighter didn't give to the rest of those siblings ( I never came out saying I can't afford it but I think they realize it and as everyone's family grows realized I better stop).
Some of those sibs give gifts some don't some did and don't anymore(not because they didn't get from me), reality of life just set in.

It has happened with me that sibs got a gift from an aunt and uncle and not me it was the way things worked out in the family and I knew the aunt/uncle/grandmother had nothing against me personally.

chicco

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:32 pm

It's unfortunate that people feel the need to only give gifts if they are reciprocated equally. The reality is, if you give someone a gift it should be because you genuinely want to and are able to. It should also be for the sake of the recipient. Especially in this case, when it is for your neices and nephews- what did they do wrong?

I understand that it is hurtful to you not to receive from your in laws, but unless your relationship is suffering in other ways as well, you can assume that their newfound stinginess has less to do with you and more with them. Obviously you need to do what you feel comfortable with, but I would urge you to consider if your relationship has changed in other regards or just in this one. If it's the latter, be dlkz and assume they are having a financial or other difficulty holding them back. If it's the former, maybe it's time to figure out what is going on between the two families and how you want to deal with it.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Ginger

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:45 pm

amother wrote:

Your brother should talk to his brother about it. This would be far more useful than postulating hows and whys.

He would NEVER do that - I won't even tell my mil because she has a huge mouth - we'll just sit and stew it over.

We don't let it affect our relationship - I still invited them for purim seudah - and act like everything is normal

abound

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:48 pm

amother wrote:

This is beyond insane!!! You are ACTING as if everything in normal. Everything is normal. You are still part of a nice loving family, they love you, are part of your simcha and family. So they did not give your kids a gift. Get over it! Get over yourself!

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:58 pm

amother wrote:

Who suggested telling MIL? Its none of MIL's business. But "hey bro - my wife is annoyed that you and your wife are not reciprocating our bar/bas mitzvah gifts. lets talk about this". That is a totally normal family dialogue. But if that's not normal in your family - just let the whole thing go.

Super Mom

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 1:58 pm

I have noticed that people are sensitive to the topic of gifts. Some think it's a big deal and some don't even think about it. Don't assume your bil thinks gifts are important. How do your kids feel about it? That's more important than your frustration.

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 2:01 pm

amother wrote:

maybe they only want to give the oldest?

When my oldest DD was born an aunt gave us a baby gift and told us that she only gives for the oldest. There are lots of nieces and nephews with lots of babies and I guess that's how she economizes. She's a lovely person, and I've never felt insulted.

OP, I'm not sure why you would say that financial hardship = no excuse for no gift. Your SIL being a big spender could very well be exacerbating a tough situation.

I would still buy something small if I couldn't afford more of a gift, but some people find that embarrassing - giving a small gift - and they end up giving nothing at all. I know I sometimes feel bad that I can't afford to give much, when I get invited to a lavish Simcha that a cousin makes....

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 2:02 pm

amother wrote:

In my family, telling someone they didn't give a gift would be the height of bad manners.