No gift from Aunt & Uncle vent

Raisin

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 3:02 pm

Chayalle wrote:

When my oldest DD was born an aunt gave us a baby gift and told us that she only gives for the oldest. There are lots of nieces and nephews with lots of babies and I guess that's how she economizes. She's a lovely person, and I've never felt insulted.

OP, I'm not sure why you would say that financial hardship = no excuse for no gift. Your SIL being a big spender could very well be exacerbating a tough situation.

I would still buy something small if I couldn't afford more of a gift, but some people find that embarrassing - giving a small gift - and they end up giving nothing at all. I know I sometimes feel bad that I can't afford to give much, when I get invited to a lavish Simcha that a cousin makes....

That is understandable. The baby gift can likely be passed on from baby to baby. And anyway the baby could care less. A 12 or 13 year old might very much notice if a favourite uncle skipped them and not their sister with gifts.

OP, I would definitely give a (possibly) small gift to your nephew or niece.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 3:42 pm

When I got married my millionaire uncle and his wife did not give us a wedding gift. And never mentioned it either. Aunt is known for giving thousand dollar checks to HER nieces and nephews for their wedding gifts. Neither of them acknowledged not giving. For their kids weddings, my parents gave very nice checks and silver. When we had our first child, my other aunts and uncles sent baby gifts. When baby was 2 months old, family got together, we were siting at table together with all my aunts and uncles and my baby was wearing an outfit one of them got. I thanked the aunt/uncle who got the outfit and rest of family commented how nice it was. I commented to the other aunts/uncles who gave gifts how much we are using and appreciating them. Aunt and uncle who didnt give didnt get a comment from us. A few days later we received a gift from the aunt/uncle who didnt give. It's obvious they gave because they were embarrassed that everyone knows they didn't give, not because they actually wanted to give a gift.

This aunt/uncle are multimillionaires, live in a mansion and own homes over the world, spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on vacations and wardrobes each year...

amother

Sienna

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 4:47 pm

I've got wealthy relatives and poor relatives who haven't given gifts equally!
In my family, we don't really gift at all.
We value what we can offer each other in life!

I have a hard time wrapping my head around people who seriously make cheshbonos about people giving gifts!!!
Lucky you that this is your stressful issues that you deal with!

I envy you! I have real issues in my life!

amother

Coral

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 9:00 pm

That's really uncomfortable. I've had something similar and didn't want to make waves so just ignored it. on the other hand, I am totally letting something negative fester. I also don't want to give presents to their next kids simcha and resent them putting me in that situation because OF COURSE I want to give a gift!!
I wouldn't take this advice personally because of the dynamics in my family and its not worth it, but would u be able to ask her 'I'd love to make sure all the kids get the same thing... your kids, my kids etc. Want to arrange some kind of deal? like they all get a bracelet with their name on it or whatever...'

yksraya

Tue, Mar 07 2017, 9:12 pm

I find this a teachable moment actually! Lots of dissapointments can happen in life. If you teach your child now how to deal with it, he/she will be better off later in life. Also, that will teach them not to expect anything from anyone and be thankful if you do get anything. Your attitude about it is what the kids pick up and they take it along with them for many years to come.

odchai

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 4:30 am

Don't have a solution but I know how it feels. We have made a few Bar Mitzvahs and take family members that live in the country away with us for Shabbos, and it would be nice to have some type of acknowledgment for the effort we make in the form of some type of gift for the Bar Mitzvah kid. Yet so many of our family members either forget or never thought they should give anything in the first place. It makes DH really annoyed and he claims the next Bar Mitzvah we make we should just leave certain family members off the list. Of course I'm not going to do that but I understand what his complaint is. I have to keep reminding myself that we just need to do the correct thing in this world, that's how I hope to raise my own children to me "mentchen" and act with derech eretz. Like the saying goes - you can't choose your family.