Parenting teenagers. Does it get better or worse?

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 1:43 am

My very mature 12 yr old DD can be so difficult. We have a positive relationship most of the time, but she can really loose it and be so chutzpadik. I can't imagine her attitude any worse, but the teenage years are just starting!

My main question: Is early teenagehood hard bc they are overall immature and still finding themselves and it does actually settle down as they grow into themselves? or am I ridiculously hopeful and it totally gets worse? I am looking for some hope, but don't give totally false hope!

Also, how do you respond to chutzpah??

essie14

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 6:13 am

It gets worse before it gets better. Puberty is really hard. The physical hormones make otherwise sane kids go crazy! At the same time, they are gaining independence and finding their way in the world and forming their own opinions. No matter how independent they seem, they are not always ready for all that and they can have bouts of wanting Mommy to take care of them, too. It's like an EKG line Smile

It definitely settles slowly as they get older. My DD has shown tremendous maturity now that she is in 12th grade and has to really figure out what she wants to do next year for sherut leumi and then university. I also gently suggest she do things independently, like buying feminine hygiene products (she passes drugstore when she walks home from school) and going to the doctor alone for standard checkup or minor things or vaccination. And she has really stepped up to the plate in those areas.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 9:09 am

I remember years ago I was having a conversation with DD's principal - principal of the largest elementary school in Lakewood - and she made a comment to the effect that "just wait till 6th, 7th, and 8th grade" when the hormones start raging and the real fun begins.....

At the time, I had no idea what she was talking about.....but yes, teens go thru their ups and as mothers we have to just hold on to our inner strengths (even when we don't feel it) and support them thru it. Patience, patience, patience. They will get thru it, and B"H develop into delightful young adults at the end, if we can just hold on and get there.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 11:31 am

amother wrote:

but she can really loose it and be so chutzpadik. I can't imagine her attitude any worse, but the teenage years are just starting!

Also, how do you respond to chutzpah??

Your perception of chutzpah, and taking things personally is what can make things worse.

When you can drop your notions about chutzpah, toss them in the trash, you can begin to renegotiate your relationship with your daughter in a way that is yummy for both of you.

Want to share some examples of chutzpah? I can try to help you reframe.

In my humble opinion, mothers who react to the perceived ''chutzpah'' of their children have it hardest. Mothers who have a different orientation to the so-called ''chutzpah'' have it easy with their children and teens.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 11:34 am

I have three teenagers and have a very enjoyable life with them. Not saying it to boast. Saying it to offer you hope. It wasn't always enjoyable for me. I used to take things very personally. I went for help. Gasp. All I did in therapy was work on shifting my reactions to the perceived ''chutzpah'' and then things began to improve.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 12:45 pm

amother wrote:

cam you give some examples?

Fox

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 1:18 pm

amother wrote:

I can't like this enough!

The teenage years were my favorite. Oh, sure, kids can be moody and self-absorbed, but it's also the time when they're figuring their dreams, hopes, interests, and skills. Please don't lose out on your chance to be a part of that because of a little (or even a lot of!) resistance.

While I don't want to be accused of "anything goes," the fact that you're perceiving chutzpah means that your teen is pushing the limits of her childhood role and learning new boundaries and rules. That's a good thing, even though it may feel lousy in the short run.

It's time to start thinking and guiding your DD (or DS) toward a healthy relationship between adult DCs and their adult parents. "Chutzpah" means "I'm unhappy about something but I don't know how to express it appropriately as an adult." Your job is to help your DCs figure out how to do so in an effective and reciprocally respectful manner.

sitting

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 2:39 pm

When shes rude detach emotionally. Say "you make me so tearful/sad/hurt when you speak to me like that"and walk away from her. When she bounces back 10 min later (as they do) and assumes alls forgotten...stay cool towards her. Either she will say "whats wrong?" And u can explain ...or she will move away again....lead here toward apologising when she realises how shea hurt you.

sequoia

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 2:41 pm

sitting wrote:

That is terrible advice.

Kthnxbye

Ilovemaryland

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 2:47 pm

sitting wrote:

I sure hope you arent a hs teacher or counselor

marina

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 2:53 pm

sitting wrote:

I don't think this is terrible advice at all. Part of growing up is learning that what you say can hurt people's feelings and you need to apologize.

I don't think you should be melodramatic all the time, but yeah, if your child says something unusually unkind then it's fine to tell her you are hurt.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 3:45 pm

amother wrote:

cam you give some examples?

What chutzpah you have to ask me for examples, when I asked you first Exploding anger

That was said in jest :-)

I am happy to give examples, though because I've completely lost my connection to the word ''chutzpah'' it is hard for me to rememeber what chutzpah is, and even harder to come up with examples.

Would you be able to write an example (or more than one) of something a child says that is chutzpadig, and I can work backwards from there?

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 3:52 pm

Some thoughts for now: When I label my child's language as ''chutzpah'dig'', I am able to conveniently avoid speaking to her of my human experience.

Child says, ''You're so stupid!''
Is that something you'd consider ''chutzpah'dig''?

If yes, I'll continue: hearing from my child (or anyone for that matter) that I'm stupid, feels very painful inside. Ouch. I am uncomfortable saying it to my child. So instead of owning my experience of pain, my preferred strategy is to blame my child and say, ''You're speaking chutzpadig to me! Don't talk that way to me!''

I, for one, would say to my teenager, ''Huh, what makes you say I'm stupid?''
See, when I go to a place of curiosity, we are not getting into a power struggle. I'm sincerely curious about why she says I'm stupid. If I am feeling very triggered by the reference to ''stupid'' I might not have the headspace or heartspace to come with curiosity to her.

So for the purpose of this example, I'll say I'm not the least bit perturbed by my teenager's comment. I ask with kindness and curiosity, ''what makes you say I'm stupid''. And my teenager tells me what makes her say I'm stupid. Oh, now I get it. Yeah, I will admit, that was stupid of me. Or, I might say, ''Hm, I can see why you'd see that as stupid. Thanks for sharing your perspective.''

5*Mom

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 3:53 pm

marina wrote:

It's bad advice because it's passive aggressive. If your child says something unusually unkind, just tell them so directly.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Mar 08 2017, 4:40 pm

amother wrote:

You're great. Can you write more?