Purim-A Day Without Women

amother

cornflower

Sat, Mar 11 2017, 7:53 pm

How do you all get to that point when you truly enjoy the day? I am dreading it and I hate that I'm dreading it. Still haven't done MM, no patience for Megillah, costumes messed up and now I have to fix it, house is a mess post shabbos, I'm just so tired and see no joy to in this day, only lots of work. I hate my attitude but I am so tired. When I was single, I used to finish Seder tehillim, visit friends, but now I don't have any time to daven at all and everyone is in a rush delivery MM and making it to their seudah.

sourstix

Sat, Mar 11 2017, 11:08 pm

I grew up knowing that men and women are in it together. Me and dh do everything together. We help each other. He never leaves me until things are taken care of. Yet some of my family. Members get really drunk and I feel sorry for the women. They should speak up. But they don't so I can't help them. They are probably ok with it. Otherwise they would say sth.

Anyway it's a big mitzva to be drunk. But then again if your planning to then help your wife and kids and then get drunk. Why abandon them like this?

amother

Vermilion

Sat, Mar 11 2017, 11:22 pm

amother wrote:

Lots of work doesn't have to mean no joy. For next year, see how much you can plan in advance so that the work isn't overwhelming. There's nothing wrong with scaling back deliveries or whatever is most stressful. There is also nothing wrong with admitting to yourself that Purim is hard for you.

amother

Tangerine

Sat, Mar 11 2017, 11:54 pm

As a single mother, I guess my Purim (and every other day) is sort of a day without men. The truth is that Purim was probably more difficult when I was married because DXH was so difficult to deal with, but still it can be hard managing everything myself. I don't make the seudah, so that saves some work. I try to plan my MM and the kids' costumes in advance, and to work on it little by little in the weeks before Purim, so that it doesn't end up overwhelming right before Purim. I think the hardest part, besides managing the preparations and the kids myself, is feeling like my house is so quiet compared to most people's in the neighborhood. No people coming and going bringing MM - we mostly go to them or they just stop by for a second. Of all the yamim tovim, I think it's on Purim that I feel the most left out because of not having a husband. But I do still manage to mostly enjoy Purim.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 1:04 am

This Purim will likely be remembered in my family as the Purim without Ima.

My work has been crazy the past two weeks. My DH handled the costumes, the MM, and will be hosting a seudah at our house. I heard megilla tonight and will go to an early reading in the morning followed by a quick seudah, then I'm off to work for the rest of the day.

I'm sad to miss all the fun but that's just how it's working out this year. So glad that DH is so capable and will make Purim fun for the kids.

salt

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 1:53 am

By us, we're both super busy before and during Purim - but love it, b"h. Men and women alike.

The only thing that I take care of alone, is the kids costumes - that's not DH's field at all! And I probably do 80% of the cooking, but he shops, delivers and clears up.

Lots of cooking, starting from the after fast meal on Thursday, through Shabbat, mishoach manot (we give cooked food) and the seuda tomorrow (shushan purim) - quite a marathon.

But this is a first for me - my youngest is now old enough to come with me to shul for the megilla (6 yrs old), so no need to wait at home for a second reading - we're all going together!

***
And by the way, on all 8 days of Chanuka, for the first 30 mins that the candles are alight, that's no-work-for-women time (in memory of Yehudit who kiiled the Greek general I believe). My DH is very makpid on that - I sit on the couch and read a book Smile

Those 30 mins do end VERY quickly tho!

amother

Orange

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 8:37 am

amother wrote:

You can be yotzei someone with a beracha, not with leining. This site is getting more and more conservadox-leaning.

Umm I learned in school that women can be yotzei other women with megillah. I went to one of the most yeshivish Bais Yaakovs in my neighborhood.

In my community the accepted custom was for men to lein. That absolutely does not mean that women can't be yotzei other women.

As with kiddush, havdalah, etc.

amother

Amber

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 8:57 am

I guess I don't have that big of an ego to think that the world stops without me. I do what I do for Purim because I want to, not because I think that everyone around me is incompetent without my help. I'm not going to stop what I do in order to prove how much everybody needs me. We work and we do our jobs and when we stop, I don't think we're hurting anybody but ourselves.

PinkFridge

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 10:44 am

amother wrote:

Yeah, and when we were single we used to stay in shul the whole day each of they yamim noraim too. It's a major paradigm shift, and my feeling was, if I can at least telegraph some simchas hachayim and simchas hayom to the kids amidst the bedlam, the rest was gravy.

And it would probably be facile for me to quote the epigram Schvester Selma had in her room, from the Indian poet Tagore:
https://www.brainyquote.com/qu......html

But at this point in life, it's not the midrash that's the ikar, it's the maaseh. If joy seems unattainable, focus on one thing. Maybe gratitude. Your day will be full of meaningful actions, as frazzled as you may be. Daven informally and meaningfully to be yotze. Let your actions be your tefilla, and try if you can, for your tefillos to be one of gratitude, that you have the health and kochos to do everything you're trying to cram in to the day, that you have the family and the people in your lives to overwhelm you these 24 hours.

And if you get into the gratitude groove, do NOT let it segue into the guilt groove. That's the yetzer hara finding an easy way to bring you down.

Trying to put myself back in your shoes, all those years ago, my goals for the day would be
1. Not to feel guilty about anything
2. To be grateful
3. To only eat things that will bring me joy

Hatzlacha and please be mochel me if this is exactly what you didn't need to hear.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 11:50 am

amother wrote:

Wow, so in their noble quest for feminism, all these women aren't even yotzei this mitzva.

My DD and her friends had the brilliant idea to go to the houses of Jewish women who are shut-ins and cannot make it to megilla reading and lein megilla for them. Our Rav has a list of people who can't make it out to hear megilla and he can't always find enough people to visit all of them.

So when these girls told him their idea he was thrilled and helped them find enough megillot for them to use.

This is not "feminist", whatever you take that to mean. This is the Jewish community using all its resources so more people can be yotze this mitzvah.

I feel so proud of my DD and her friends.

amother

Blonde

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 11:57 am

amother wrote:

Why can't they just be given a megillah to read it themselves?

wondergirl

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 12:27 pm

amother wrote:

Why can't they just be given a megillah to read it themselves?

The Rabbi in their community obviously agreed and supported the girls reading the megillah to people so why is there a problem with it? Why should the girls just give them a megillah when they can really bring Simchas Purim to homebound individuals by reading it to them out loud?

amother

Khaki

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 2:22 pm

Disclaimer: dh thinks that his only responsibility in our family is bringing home a paycheck. Yes we desperately need therapy.

Here's a typical Purim for us:

Purim night - he goes to the first reading. My older kids (12,14) also go. Dh does not believe in taking with him any kid not capable of sitting independently bc it interferes with his davening /ability to listen to megilla. I am busy with the baby and other younger kids. Dh and big kids come home. I go with 9 and 7 yo to second reading. Come home, finish last minute seudah/mishloach manos prep

Purim day- I get up early to go to an early reading. My 14 yo stays home with the baby. Dh davens whenever he feels like getting up. I take 9 yo son with me. I come home, help younger kids with costumes, go around with them delivering mishloach manos Dh gets home from shul, learns, drinks a bottle of wine and goes to sleep. I deal with the kids, clean up, finish getting the seudah ready. Dh goes to mincha and learns a bit. We start eating, dh sings says some divrei Torah, then leaves to go visit other seudot. Mind you we had guests and dh just leaves in the middle. We finish the seudah, clean up, get kids ready for bed. Dh eventually wanders in an hour or two later and goes right to sleep.

Dh thinks this is a completely normal Purim.

I heavily resent the fact that he acts like a single Yeshiva bachur and I have to do everything. I tell him every year that he needs to be more involved with the kids but honestly he drinks and I don't trust him with the kids when he's drinking.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Mar 12 2017, 2:31 pm

amother wrote:

Like you said, your husband desperately needs therapy. Your problem is not Purim, it's your husband.