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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
Purim - worse than Tisha B'av
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chavs




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 12 2017, 10:35 pm
I completely agree with Zehava! You were an amazing mum! Well done! You kept them safe. They might not like you for it but that's not what being a mum is about. You were amazing!
I'm sorry it sucked for you though, be kind to yourself. You've been incredible! I'm sending you hugs!
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amother
Linen


 

Post Sun, Mar 12 2017, 11:13 pm
It was so darn cold! It made everything so much harder for a single mom who doesn't drive. Way too much walking, whining, freezing... Thank goodness the Rebbes were kind to my sons, bad enough that they showed up with their mom.

I was ready to quit by 3 pm.

I hate feeling like this day is fun for everyone besides me. These threads help. Smile
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Sun, Mar 12 2017, 11:37 pm
Thanx for he support. I don't feel victorious or noble at all. Just exhausted and defeated. Thank God Purim comes only once a year.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 12:41 am
happy12 wrote:
It's 10 pm and my neighbors are having a party with a whole bunch of drunks and the decibel level is unreal. My house is shaking. They better stop soon so my children can go to sleep.

It is almost 1am and my house is shaking from the dancing going on upstairs!!! So tired but can't think of hitting my bed yet. The cigarette stench is too horrible. Drunkards smoking at my bedroom window!! Can I say tehillim now??
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amother
Tan


 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 12:48 am
Purim can be an introvert's nightmare.

It really helps to lay out a schedule of driving etc in advance, so that everyone understands how much you can fit into one day.

Little kids need some semblance of a schedule, at the very least they need to eat real meals. Give them jobs sorting incoming junk food, and just admit to yourself that they will be on a sugar high today. Once in a while won't cause permanent harm.

No one invited us to seuda when we moved, so we host. I'm proud that after a few years, people want to come to our house (though I wish I had more help). Also, we control the timing.

It's a crazy day, but do what you can to keep things calm.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 6:39 am
we made things differently this year and I think it was the nicest purim we ever had as a family.

1.) we planned ahead: costumes, part of the seuda (frozen), mm, seuda show etc. were ready 2 weeks before.
2.) we attended a childrens purim party a week before purim plus the celebration at school - so on actual purim no kids party.
3.) dh went to earliest megille, he babysat while I went to listen megille leining.
4.) we devided the kids up, dh had a route and I had a route, we both had younger and older kids and each of us visited 5 people/neighbours/rebbes 5!!!! no more no less.
5.) we arrived at home at 10.45. while I finished cooking and setting the table for the seuda, dh learned chevruso AT HOME NOT IN SHUL, and the kids were playing (baby napped).
6.) we had a very early seuda: 2pm, with a couple of NICE guests, who our kids like and even though the costumes/seuda/mm had a theme, I kept things simple.
7.) the seuda took surprisingly long, dh said fun divrej tojre, we had a show for the kids (everything prepared waaaay in advance!!!)...some yeshive bochrim came to dance...
8.) I took a babysitter at 6pm- I bathed the younger kids and she put them to bed. older kids , dh I went seuda surfing. we visited 3 seudas and 2 tishs and we had so much fun.
9.) 11 pm we were all home, sober and happy, showered and went to shluff.

planning and not drinking much makes things less stressfull for us. the kids said it was an amazing day and sdh and I felt the same. last few years we felt purik was overwhelming, stressfull, loud.
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chayamiriam




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 6:58 am
Wow !!! Who cares what the kids nor your husband thinks. You tried to protect your kids in the best way you knew how! What if your husband or kids were involved in a car accident or arrested by the police?? This is what mothers do best protect their kids! How would you live with yourself if you did otherwise? The kids are mad so what maybe when they have their own children, they can realize the job of a parent is to make healthy and wise decisions for their family. PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK you are a responsible adult and a wise and courageous mom!!!!!!
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rainbow dash




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 7:32 am
Omg your the best mom ever. I would of called the police on my dh for trying to drink and drive witj the kids. And I would of found out who has,drugs and callled the cops on them too. Shame on them, what kind of parents have drugs and alcohol at a party for kids.

In the morning when everyone is clam explain to them the dangers of drugs and alcohol. I hope this is not what I have to look forward to when my kids get bigger.

Like the other poster said plan and organizing helps. I woke up early and fed everyone a good breakfast then at 930 heard megilla at a friend's house, cane home and wrote a list of the teachers parties, address etc. In between dropping off the kids we delivered mm. Picked up kids and keeped on delivering.

I hosted the meal for my sil and her kids and dh and my mil. Some boys left after the soup to go collecting so it wasn't so many people. Bh I cooked everything the day before and sil and mil cooked also. Came home at 4 and set the table and heated up the food.

Only now the day after am I cleaning up. Was too tried to do anything last night.Today one kid has a party by her teacher at the same time as one dd has a root canal and one dd has fever, ds has school for a few hrs bh he can look after himself. Dh is out of the country working. Bh for my mil taking ds to her party.

It also helped that dh doesn't drink.
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amother
Red


 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 7:42 am
Wow I'm sad for all of you who had such a hard day. That's just not what purim should be about. I b'h had a wonderful purim this year (although its a lot of work. and I also have had rotten purims in the past.)
I have also have some ideas:
1. plan in advance regarding the stressors and how to deal with them. someone mentioned waiting up for their son who might need a ride. I would have gone to sleep and put the phone under my pillow. it would have woken me up if he called. Of course he's ungrateful. most kids are!
2. if you think you're going to be lonely, plan in advance how to make the day meaningful for you. this year I went to an old age home with the kids to give out shalach manos and sing with the residents. they were so happy to see us. It put us on a high the rest of the day. there's nothing like unconditional giving.
3. my extended relatives also don't eat the seudah together. 2 choices: go to a communal shul seudah. they are usually lots of fun, lots of people and have fun activities planned for the kids. don't want to? make your own. there are plenty of people who need a place to go and would be thrilled to go to you. maybe they're not 'exciting' guests but that just makes the mitzvah bigger, doesn't it?
4. do not keep lists of who u r giving mm to and who gave to you. WHO CARES? Give to your neighbors and kids teachers and anyone majorly important. but if its becoming a stress thing work on ways to cut out.
5. the zoo at shul is annoying. go to ladies - only readings. they're quiet and quick.
plan now for next year. iyh you should all have easier and happier purims from now on.
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peanut butter c




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 8:08 am
amother wrote:
Thanx for he support. I don't feel victorious or noble at all. Just exhausted and defeated. Thank God Purim comes only once a year.

There is usually a kid who overdoses at these kinds of parties and some parents sadly never see their kids again. No one should go through that and you did the right thing by not letting them go. You may feel defeated about it now but how would you have felt if you never saw your child again bc you let them go to a purim party?

Parents, please educate your kids on the dangers of drinking and doing drugs. It will definitely make Purim be worse than Tisha B'Av if you lose your child bc you weren't strong enough to say no. Please don't let them go to these parties bc it may be the last time you see your kid and that will be way worse than just having to deal with an angry kid who is alive and safe.
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Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 8:40 am
Wow, it makes me so sad to read this. I never realised how hard & lonely Purim is for some people.
It's our favorite YT.
But my DH or boys do not drink beyond 1 l'chaim at our seuda which is full of guests & a Megillah reading.
I say cut out all alcohol & so called Purim parties.
That's not how YT is supposed to be.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 9:36 am
Our kids never go to Purim parties except one in shul, but if they did, there's no way we would ferry different kids to different parties. Purim day consists of megillah, MM delivery, and the seudah, period. No forced visits to rebbeim and teachers. Thank G-d we don't have this custom in our town. It could never happen, because both teachers and students come from all over, not just locally. No shuttling all over town to visit 25 cousins. No delivering dozens of parcels to hundreds of people.

The seudah is a fairly simple affair made festive not by being a huge feast but by being higher-end than a regular meal. Salmon steak, not canned tuna; bakery bread, not Wonder Bread; the rich vanilla flavor soymilk, not skim milk, that sort of thing. Sometimes we have something that was made ahead and frozen or a convenience food that I only serve on special occasions. I don't slave over a hot stove just for this. At most I might poach the salmon at the last minute if I didn't make it ahead of time.

Costumes are decided upon ahead of time and tend to be easy to execute, depending heavily on items already in our wardrobes or easily borrowed. The kids don't necessarily have to dress as anything or anyone identifiable, as long as they're obviously in costume. This is pretty easy considering that they wear the usual uniform of white shirt and dark pants. So if dc decides to dress all in orange because he can borrow various items in this color from various family members, that's fine with everyone. He doesn't have to be a convict with manacled hands or a traffic cone with genuine Scotchlite reflective bands and a tapering hat.

And we absolutely, positively, definitively and with no two ways about it don't do themes or poems. No one has ever complained that our costumes don't match each other or our MM, and that our MM are just a nice little assortment of treats in a bag with a little tag "from our family to yours" and no coordinating poem.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 9:40 am
amother wrote:
so this Purim we did things a little differently... we had a seudah with one other family, we didn't really go to Purim parties etc... my 6 year old daughter listened to megillah on the computer, we went out to eat as a family for lunch... gave a few shaloch manos to teachers and such and that was it. It was actually pretty quiet and calm, we basically just stayed away from the drunkedness, craziness etc. some people would probably find it lame Wink . It worked much better for my dh and me and my dd got a lot of mommy/family time and got to hang out with her friends at the seudah. I think it worked out well for us.

It's so interesting how what works for some people doesn't for others.
I was depressed all Purim bcz. it's not the least bit exciting. We live in a fairly modern community, where people seem to think that the mitzva of Purim is dressing up the baby and bringing it to shul to sit and babble during the entire megilla. Yes, there are women's readings later in the evening, but why do I have to run out later if I finally have a kid old enough to sit quietly.
Nothing doing here at night. Day is mostly getting and giving mishloach manot with a tame פורים שמח offered. No wild dancing, no singing, no . . . nothing.
And the meal is with several families who are dear friends. It is practically comatose. No one gets even the least bit tipsy. (Except me!!). No singing whatsoever-- some divrei Torah among the adults. Kids completely uninvolved. Just sad and not at all Purim-y.
I would do it just my family, but my older kids are in yeshiva so it just leaves a couple younger kids-- too boring for them.
And DH is not the type to get things going. He would join in, and bemoans the fact that there was no ruach, but would never jump up and start dancing.
I would give anything for a little drunken real Purim revelry.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 10:15 am
Magenta, I can't add anything to what everyone else has said. Hug
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 10:18 am
amother wrote:
It was so darn cold! It made everything so much harder for a single mom who doesn't drive. Way too much walking, whining, freezing... Thank goodness the Rebbes were kind to my sons, bad enough that they showed up with their mom.

I was ready to quit by 3 pm.

I hate feeling like this day is fun for everyone besides me. These threads help. Smile


Hug
I am so happy your sons' rebbeim are such menschen and apparently, good partners with you in your sons' chinuch.
Does your budget allow any kind of small pampering? Even a new to you accessory from a nice resale store or Kohl's clearance? Sometimes it's nice to give ourselves a this world version of sechar mitzvah Wink
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 10:21 am
Purim is a very hard day for those not blessed with a good family unit. Add to that lack of family friends and it turns into a day from hell where everyone around you has a million shalach manos to give and you have no one at all and feel terribly lonely and sad.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 10:23 am
heidi wrote:
It's so interesting how what works for some people doesn't for others.
I was depressed all Purim bcz. it's not the least bit exciting. We live in a fairly modern community, where people seem to think that the mitzva of Purim is dressing up the baby and bringing it to shul to sit and babble during the entire megilla. Yes, there are women's readings later in the evening, but why do I have to run out later if I finally have a kid old enough to sit quietly.
Nothing doing here at night. Day is mostly getting and giving mishloach manot with a tame פורים שמח offered. No wild dancing, no singing, no . . . nothing.
And the meal is with several families who are dear friends. It is practically comatose. No one gets even the least bit tipsy. (Except me!!). No singing whatsoever-- some divrei Torah among the adults. Kids completely uninvolved. Just sad and not at all Purim-y.
I would do it just my family, but my older kids are in yeshiva so it just leaves a couple younger kids-- too boring for them.
And DH is not the type to get things going. He would join in, and bemoans the fact that there was no ruach, but would never jump up and start dancing.
I would give anything for a little drunken real Purim revelry.


Well, I guess after this thread you see that there's drunk and there's drunk.
Sometimes I wish we were more happening people - my DH not only is not the type not to get things going but doesn't bemoan the lack of ruach ;-) But it's part of the package. Sometimes I think that if one aspect of his personality could change, it would impact all the rest, and that wouldn't be good. (Of course he never has these thoughts about me because I'm perfect.) Then I think of the old Geritol commercial: My wife husband. I think I'll keep her him.
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 10:29 am
causemommysaid wrote:
The problem sounds like lousy husbands not purim. Purim is only bringing out what is already there but not as apparent on a regular day. I'm really sorry youre suffering. I hope your husbands are able to make the changes needed so purim can be more enjoyable for you.


Ironically my husband is a mean drunk on too many shabbosim during the year but Purim venahapoch hu he hardly drinks and it's a nice day.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 11:05 am
amother wrote:
Ironically my husband is a mean drunk on too many shabbosim during the year but Purim venahapoch hu he hardly drinks and it's a nice day.


My ex was the same (plus many more issues). I hope you have support... Weekend alcoholics are not better than any other type of alcoholic.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Mon, Mar 13 2017, 1:06 pm
Well to add insult to drunk hangover misery. My kid & spouse were vomiting all night long while I had to listen. Slept away half of Purim, them not me. Then left me alone to go to their in-laws family for the seuda. Not to mention the in-laws ignored me again. The entire world was so drunk I couldn't bear to drink myself. Plus I was too depressed to eat.

Became the hamantashen slave as I baked and prepared their shalach manos cause they couldn't even figure it out.

I was tempted to join one of my kids by the dxh. Now that would've been ad d'lo yodah ......

boo-hoo
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