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Grrrrrrrrrrrr! Advice and sympathy wanted!
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 9:08 pm
Two totally separate incidents, but kinda related:

My almost 6 year old invited a boy from school to play in our house. I say house, but that's really generous. We live in a snug little basement apartment. For the first 20 minutes of the play date, the friend looked around incredulously and made statements like: " You don't have a playroom?! This is all your toys?!My house has a back yard, and a swing set, and a porch. My house is MUCH BIGGER thank yours. My house has stairs. This house is TINY!" My son took it in stride (actually, it soothed my breaking heart a little to see him put his tiny fists on his tiny hips and cock his head to the side, screw up his eyebrows and nose and say thoughtfully: "huh. Yeh, it's kinda small. Wanna make a tunnel with the grocery store boxes?") but I was so sad for him. I wish I could give him a house with stairs, and swings, and a backyard. I love toys. I wish I had more money to spend on them.

Today, same son came home from school, quiet and stewing. "How was your day?" I asked. "Good," said he. Uh hu. The proverbial storm clouds gathered all afternoon. The tears finally started and the little dude finally opened up. For the past several weeks my son has been very enthusiastically collecting money for his yeshiva's purim campaign. He went with my husband to shul to collect, and knocked on some of our neighbors' doors. All told, he probably has about 15 dollars stored up in his tzedaka box. His plan was to collect money on Purim day while giving out shalach manos, but with all the excitement over his costume and candy, he forgot. To me, there is something a bit mercenary and distasteful about little kids walking around asking for cash, so when I saw he'd forgotten about it, I figured it was just as well. When he came to school today some of his classmates handed in their tzedaka boxes and my son was devastated to see how much more money they had. One of his friends had collected 90 dollars. Another, a whopping 250. When my son asked them how they managed this, they said that lots of family members had donated (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles). My son begged me to donate 'just' 60 dollars to add to his 15. 75 dollars is the smallest amount of money you can give in that's worth a prize.

Of course, I said no. I held my son. I empathized with how hard he worked to raise the money and how disappointed he is. I agreed that in an ideal world, there should be prizes for raising 15 dollars too. I hugged him tight when he told me that he wished we owned a pizza store like his friend's dad does so that we'd have more money. I absorbed and held his rage, frustration, sadness. He whispered in my ear that a classmate said that boys who don't collect at least 75 dollars are really stupid. He whispered a bit later that no one had actually said that, but that he felt stupid "in my heart" if he couldn't raise at least enough for a prize. Finally, utterly depleted, he told me that his "feelings are really big about this" and went to sleep.

I just feel so sad. What to do? I stayed strong all the while I held and listened to my son, but now the urge to break open our emergency savings and put 60 bucks in his tzedaka box is so so so strong. I don't want my son to feel deprived. I work really hard to make our life rich and happy and full. Reality is though that I don't have 60 dollars to give him. Even if I did, what message would it send? I'm to exhausted and wrung out to figure out the reasoning behind it, but my gut is telling me that giving him the money wouldn't be good for him. Maybe one of you guys could help me figure out why. Any other 'financially challenged' mamas reading this go through similar with their kids?
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amother
Denim


 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 9:15 pm
When my son was younger and couldn't be on top of the collecting (now he went around all Purim and got a decent amount), we used to help fill in at times (small amounts) but honestly we told him we'll buy him the prize if he really wants. I wouldn't stay too principled about this (in response to your question about what message you're sending), but obviously if you don't have the $60 just tell him you'll buy him the prize yourself. It won't solve all the problems in the world but it's a quick fix. The prize you get for collecting $75 is probably worth about $5.
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feigeleh




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 9:16 pm
so sorry Sad
I find the tzedakah thing so distasteful! my sons' school has it too. at first he didn't even know about prizes, he told me it's just tzedakah. didn't love the idea (I can give my own tzedakah thanks, don't need the school to send my adorable 7yo to do this) but I figured it's a nice way for them to learn about chewed, be responsible for the money, get a rush from all this, feel important whatever. then he came home with the huge colored-photo poster with prizes! I was horrified. the whole thing just became a greed-fest of what they could "get" they were looking at the poster and basically shopping for themselves in their minds with the tzedakah money. I gave anyways but explained to him that I disapprove of the whole thing, and that the money wasted on prizes could have gone to the poor people. next year I plan on telling the school why I'm out and offering my son to match him 10X anything he gives from his own money, and we will go together to give it for tzedakah.
basically, I agree with you and I feel so sorry for your boy. on the bright side, he sounds resilient and strong and is learning all the right values and this will make him into a wonderful adult which is so much more of an important thing to give a child than a swing set!
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 9:17 pm
Can you afford to take him out for ice cream and to the dollar store to choose a prize for all his hard work?
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Raw




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 9:21 pm
Oh my. I am almost crying reading this. I'd like to think I'd react as well as you did if this happened to my son.
I really don't have advice. Thank gd I live in a "house with a playroom and swingset etc" but I'd be mortified if my child ever thought it was ok to compare this to others accommodations. I didn't realize little kids even noticed the difference between the haves and the have-nots at this age. I am glad to be aware of this so I can discuss it with my children.

And I am appalled (maybe naively) that schools encourage this kind of mercinary competition. I personally do not allow my kids to ever fundraise, sell tickets, collect. I think it sends the wrong message. I give them a certain amount and that's what they can submit.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 9:23 pm
Another since I told this to a couple of people.
My ds also came home with a puska and a booklet of prizes. After seeing that most of the prizes are less than $20 on Amazon I told him that he can get one of these toys as an afikoman present or birthday present but at this age he is not collecting
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 9:32 pm
No advice but just wanted to say you sound like such a loving mama.
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 9:43 pm
Thanks everyone, the empathy is helping=)

I did tell my son that I am so proud of his hard work and that I could buy him a prize. This helped a bit... but upon reflection, my son shared that it's not just the prize that he wanted. He wants to be called up to Rebbe's desk to choose his prize, he wants to get his prize in school, in his own words, 'wants to brag'. I couldn't help but crack a smile at that one. I tried rephrasing it for him: "you mean, you'd feel really proud if all your friends could see that you collected a lot of money and that you're getting a big prize?" To which my 8-year-old chimed in: "no, mommy, you don't get it. You're not a boy. Boys like to BRAG. It's really normal." My almost six year old nodded solemnly. The wisdom of little boys.

***sign*** We will buy him a prize, and I'm sure that will help.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 10:00 pm
Firstly my heart is breaking for your little boy and for you. But I want to tell you what jumped out at me from your post.
Your son is so articulate!! He shares his feelings with you so clearly and openly without any reservations!!! And you know exactly how to comfort him and validate his pain! Do you realize how big this is? I don't know any six year old boys who can express themselves so well. Heck not many girls either. My five year old would not be capable of describing something that bothers her the way he does.
You're giving your son something no money can buy! Actually lots of things. Love stability validation self awareness and expression...
I doubt many of those boys have what your son has. It will serve him well in life.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 10:06 pm
Zehava wrote:
Firstly my heart is breaking for your little boy and for you. But I want to tell you what jumped out at me from your post.
Your son is so articulate!! He shares his feelings with you so clearly and openly without any reservations!!! And you know exactly how to comfort him and validate his pain! Do you realize how big this is? I don't know any six year old boys who can express themselves so well. Heck not many girls either. My five year old would not be capable of describing something that bothers her the way he does.
You're giving your son something no money can buy! Actually lots of things. Love stability validation self awareness and expression...
I doubt many of those boys have what your son has. It will serve him well in life.


Exactly what my first thought was upon reading the Op. My 11 year old would not even be able to express her feelings so articulately. She would just grump. So would my 8 year old. B'h for this gift. I hope you keep your relationship close like you are now so he never stops being comfortable expressing feelings to you.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 10:07 pm
Also, you sound like the best Mom in the entire universe.
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yksraya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 10:08 pm
Maybe call his rebbi and ask him to give a little prize to all the kids who didn't have the amount needed for the real prizes? Maybe send the prize yourself, but your son should be called up when the other boys are called up.
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anonymrs




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 10:24 pm
Zehava wrote:
Firstly my heart is breaking for your little boy and for you. But I want to tell you what jumped out at me from your post.
Your son is so articulate!! He shares his feelings with you so clearly and openly without any reservations!!! And you know exactly how to comfort him and validate his pain! Do you realize how big this is? I don't know any six year old boys who can express themselves so well. Heck not many girls either. My five year old would not be capable of describing something that bothers her the way he does.
You're giving your son something no money can buy! Actually lots of things. Love stability validation self awareness and expression...
I doubt many of those boys have what your son has. It will serve him well in life.


Yes, all of this. I'm so jealous of your kids. Wow!!
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 10:26 pm
can his rebbe mention him by name and praise him for having worked so hard to collect money on his own?
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mamamia1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 10:28 pm
Zehava wrote:
Firstly my heart is breaking for your little boy and for you. But I want to tell you what jumped out at me from your post.
Your son is so articulate!! He shares his feelings with you so clearly and openly without any reservations!!! And you know exactly how to comfort him and validate his pain! Do you realize how big this is? I don't know any six year old boys who can express themselves so well. Heck not many girls either. My five year old would not be capable of describing something that bothers her the way he does.
You're giving your son something no money can buy! Actually lots of things. Love stability validation self awareness and expression...
I doubt many of those boys have what your son has. It will serve him well in life.

This!!!!
So well said!!!

I can just reiterate Zehava's words.
You are giving your son the best thing. A loving, present, understanding mother who has taught him to navigate the world of emotions and communication of them. What a gift!!
...
I stand up for you!

- and yes hugs for the pragmatic pain of living in a materialistic world that doesn't always seem to value the preciousness of what you have.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 10:53 pm
Wow! I applaud you for creating a home where your children can really share what they're feeling. I don't know of many homes that way.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 11:04 pm
yksraya wrote:
Maybe call his rebbi and ask him to give a little prize to all the kids who didn't have the amount needed for the real prizes? Maybe send the prize yourself, but your son should be called up when the other boys are called up.

This!
Your son is feeling left out because he didn't collect enough money for a prize. He wants to feel special and be able to brag. If I were in your situation, I would call Rebbi and explain to him how your son feels. Explain to Rebbi that the money that he gave is from his own savings. Explain that you don't have the ability to give more right now, but you are able to buy a prize. Can he please help your son feel special by giving him the prize in the same way that he is giving to the other boys?

Before doing this, discuss with your son. He may or may not agree to the plan. He may not agree, but would feel so happy that you are willing to do it for him. You never know!
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 11:10 pm
the whole idea of kids collecting makes me want to puke. Something about it is so offffffffff. The rewarding them for the amount of money....puke... Are our kids money-making machines for the mosdos and orgs? Something about it just feels off. Maybe it's the competitive aspect. Iduno. I'd rather have my child give the money to a poor neighbor.
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yksraya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 11:12 pm
amother wrote:
the whole idea of kids collecting makes me want to puke. Something about it is so offffffffff. The rewarding them for the amount of money....puke... Are our kids money-making machines for the mosdos and orgs? Something about it just feels off. Maybe it's the competitive aspect. Iduno. I'd rather have my child give the money to a poor neighbor.

I agree, I too am annoyed at this and feel like they are taking advantage of the kids. I do not allow my kids to go collect, it's not something I want my kids to do.
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 15 2017, 11:19 pm
You've gotten a lot of great advice about the second part of your post. I just wanted to address the first part - at almost but not quite 6 years old it's very normal for kids a) not to be aware of some social norms and b) not to be aware of how differently some people live than they do. What you heard as disparaging about your tiny house with no swing set could have just been coming from a place of astonishment - it's possible for a house to have no stairs? This kid is amazed! For all you know he went home that day and said "Mommy I wish we could live on one floor like my friend so I wouldn't have to go up and down stairs all the time."
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