Grrrrrrrrrrrr! Advice and sympathy wanted!

amother

Gold

Wed, Mar 15 2017, 11:25 pm

I felt the same when D.C. We're little. Now I realize that children say that stuff and don't really care much about it. I was on both sides. When we had a big house my son invited a friend when he was about 6 yo. The friend lived in an appartment. My son told him happily pointing at the big hill in our back yard: I have a great house. Do you like my house? The friend very confidently said yes and they kept playing. This friend had a great family and my son loved going there. Kids don't care or understand social status at this age. If you are happy with what you have and make it fun they don't mind.
Later on they do mind but what more important is to have a great family and even if you lack in money you have other stuff. If you are happy with what you have the kids are happy. I really mean it.

33055

Wed, Mar 15 2017, 11:35 pm

I also want to address the first part. I have had adults walk in my house and say that my house is small, and my house is bigger than theirs. People say stupid things. Your son handled it great. You can't let these things bother you because they are meaningless. Add the other posters said, you have the important measures.

As far as collecting, I don't let my kids collect for a prize.

Some of the kids are way too aggressive trying to earn their prizes. They definitely cross boundaries.

DVOM

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 8:49 am

Zehava wrote:

Firstly my heart is breaking for your little boy and for you. But I want to tell you what jumped out at me from your post.
Your son is so articulate!! He shares his feelings with you so clearly and openly without any reservations!!! And you know exactly how to comfort him and validate his pain! Do you realize how big this is? I don't know any six year old boys who can express themselves so well. Heck not many girls either. My five year old would not be capable of describing something that bothers her the way he does.
You're giving your son something no money can buy! Actually lots of things. Love stability validation self awareness and expression...
I doubt many of those boys have what your son has. It will serve him well in life.

Good morning everyone! I just read all these replies. Thanks so much for all the love and support. This post has turned out to be really great for my ego!

Yes, my almost 6 year old is extremely articulate and expressive (and hilarious). I wish I could take all the credit, but he was pretty much born this way. My older son has ASD, and struggles to express himself well, so we do put a lot of focus on emotion and attachment based story telling.

DVOM

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 8:58 am

amother wrote:

This!
Your son is feeling left out because he didn't collect enough money for a prize. He wants to feel special and be able to brag. If I were in your situation, I would call Rebbi and explain to him how your son feels. Explain to Rebbi that the money that he gave is from his own savings. Explain that you don't have the ability to give more right now, but you are able to buy a prize. Can he please help your son feel special by giving him the prize in the same way that he is giving to the other boys?

Before doing this, discuss with your son. He may or may not agree to the plan. He may not agree, but would feel so happy that you are willing to do it for him. You never know!

and so is this, but I'm struggling to figure out how to word it. My son's rebbe isn’t very accessible by phone, but I can write him a note. What do I say? Unfiltered, what I'd like to write is that I think the hole concept of having little guys (and galls) collect money and then compete for prizes is so so so wrong. That’s not going to get me very far though, so I’m writing that here, to a more sympathetic audience. To the Rebbe I’ll write:
Little guy worked really hard collected money for Yeshiva over the past few weeks, but didn’t come close to the 75 dollars required to get a prize. Is there any way that boys who collected can be rewarded for their efforts anyway?
Any critiques, advice, suggstions?

DVOM

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 9:02 am

amother wrote:

This is very true, and even in the moment I wasn't angry or upset at my son's friend. I could also see that my son wasn't much effected by it. It did sit heavily on my heart though. My kids are getting bigger. They are definitely starting to become more conscious about the ‘things’ that others have that we don’t. I guess I worry for the future.

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 9:15 am

DVOM wrote:

You need to feel confident that you are giving your kids what they need in life. They don't NEED a house with stairs and swings. What they do NEED is loving parents who let them feel validated, loved, cared for...while they learn life's lessons.

You are always going to find people who have more than you in life - and people who have less. It's so great that your son will learn, from a young age, to be happy and confident with what he does have, without too much harping on what he doesn't. He will learn this best if you feel it, too.

I happen to live in a small, starter home. We do have a playroom down stairs, but no private yard with swings. Our house is not large.

Years ago there was a bullying situation in my DD's class, and bullying leads to copycat bullies. Girls were saying nasty things and putting other girls down, especially those who weren't especially "cool" and having lots of "things". During that time, we worked really hard to help DD feel good about herself, and recognize that it isn't accessories that make the person.

At that time, DD's class was having a Shabbaton in our neighborhood, and we signed up to host. FTR, more than half of DD's class petitioned to come to us (!) rather than to another girl who had a much bigger, newer, more elegant home. I told the teacher she has to assign the girls to hosts rather than work it out themselves, so that feelings (of the other girl!) should not be hurt.

Anyway, at that time, there was one girl who was in the habit of elevating herself at others' expense, and she said to DD "I don't know why anyone would want to come to YOUR house, anyway. Your house is so tiny, they will have to sleep on the kitchen table!"

DD coolly responded "Great idea! We'll put pillows and blankets there, and everyone can sleep on it!"

I was so proud of her confidence. She didn't lose it, and I felt so validated that what our children need from us is not a big house, elegant furnishings, etc....but rather love, validation, confidence, and a happy atmosphere.

DVOM, you sound awesome. You have everything your kids need - just keep on giving it to them.

moonmama

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 9:23 am

Sounds like you are an amazing mama and your kids are rich beyond their wildest dreams in the things that matter.

Years ago at University (before I was frum) I was invited to spend a weekend with some friends at one of the friends' house. It was my total dream house. A hundreds' year old cottage with thatched roof in th uk countryside, crackling fireplaces, antique furniture, tennis courts, stunning views of the rolling hills from every window, secret passageways... Seriously it was like all my imaginative fantasies come to life. I couldn't believe how lucky my friend was until the friend told me that his mother had never once told him she loved him. it was an important lesson for me in what "wealth" is.

I wish you continued nachas from your kids.

nw11

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 10:51 am

Coming from the other side, I grew up in a house with a backyard and swing set, yet with an emotionally dysfunctional father and a mother not lagging far behind. Now I live in a smallish apartment without the private backyard and a lot less space, I work so hard to give my kids an emotionally healthy upbringing and tons of (expressed) love. I am still suffering from the lack of emotional stability I received as a child. I consider my kids a lot luckier than me! The most important things are not things, and can't be purchased for any money.

nw11

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 11:25 am

I forgot to add that many times we erroneously reward achievement over effort. Just like the kids who manage collect a lot of money are getting praised, so are we praising the smart kids even though they were gifted with their brains. The same goes for good looks etc etc I would say this problem is much more widespread than we think, and the same kids getting praised for collecting loads of money may be insanely jealous of the smart kids in the class.

mummiedearest

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 7:19 pm

op, regarding the home itself, please don't feel you're depriving your son of anything. my dd was born after we moved into our first house. she is terribly jealous of all her friends who live in apartments. she has begged us for years to move to an apartment. it sounds like your child has the right attitude. home is home, it doesn't matter what size it is. kids don't necessarily feel the need to have a lot of space or toys, as long as they have a home.

as for tzedaka, I never allowed my kids to collect. I told them they could do chores to earn money towards the same prizes. I did not allow them to call relatives for donations. people are bombarded with requests for money via mail, email, phone, text, etc. no one needs a kid-related guilt trip to give more. as for bragging rights, I'm sure there will be non-tzedaka related opportunities. and I think it would be a good idea to speak to his teacher about what his classmates are saying regarding kids who don't raise a certain amount of money.

debsey

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 8:07 pm

OP, first of all, like everyone else on here says - you sound like an awesome mom and you have an adorable son. That's riches beyond compare. You can't buy a kid like your son.

I think you should slightly reword your original post, and send it as a letter to the school principal, so he realizes what kind of message he is (inadvertently, I"m sure) sending. A school is supposed to be a chinuch institution. I suppose being initiated into the realities of this world is a kind of education, but it's not the kind we sacrifice to pay tuition for!

As for your house, I'd teach my son to say "It's not small, it's cozy!" or something of the sort. That's one of the reasons I love Dr. Seuss's "There's a Wocket in my Pocket" - I love the line "That's the kind of house we live in, and I hope we never leave it."

Kids will always find something to make you feel bad about, unless you show them that you're immune.

tigerwife

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 8:23 pm

Wow. That reminds me of a story I totally forgot that is so similar. In first grade we also had a "tzedaka collecting contest". I tried so hard to collect as much as I could. Then I went home and emptied my entire "savings" (literally pennies, nickels and dimes I had studiously stored) from my piggy bank into the pushka. I have no recollection of what the prize was but I guess I really wanted it! Well, imagine my shock when I didn't win. I can feel that frustration right now- that awful feeling of sacrificing for nothing. You know what? I have no special feelings about the tzedaka I gave then. It was nothing about chesed and all about what was in it for me.

There has got to be a better way to teach children the importance of giving tzedaka. Prizes should not be involved at all.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 9:42 pm

op as others have said you sound like a great mother! I'm b"h not struggling financially so I won't pretend to relate but I just wanted to share a conversation I had with my 6 year old daughter tonight. She asked me why some people are richer and some people poorer. As an aside I asked her if she knew who in her school was wealthier and she said no so it really is not on her radar on a personal level even though as an adult it's clear to me. I told her that Hashem decides, she was like oh really I never knew that, why would Hashem make some people wealthy and some people poor so I told her that Hashem has a plan for each person and different people need different things.

I also told her that there is also a concept of hishtadlus, that we can't just sit around and wait for money to fall from the sky, we have to be responsible and try to earn money even if Hashem will decide in the end how much we should have.

I then went on to tell her that as long as we have enough money for food, clothing etc. the things she needs, that's not actually what makes people happier. I asked her which would she prefer, a larger house etc... but a Daddy who isn't home so much or less stuff but a Daddy who is home a lot to spend time with her. B"H she is incredibly lucky and has both so its a theoretical question but she said she would prefer to have her Daddy home a lot. At the end of the day having a loving family is really what matters to a child.

I also don't believe in these fundraiser and while I might give my daughter 5 dollars for a prize, I'm not going to take money out of saving for these fundraisers nor am I going to call up family members, I think its wrong. Don't feel like you should be giving this to your child but can't. I can and don't think I should. I understand it's harder when it's not a choice but realize that you aren't shortchanging your child. I hope that helps.

Coffee Addict

Thu, Mar 16 2017, 9:47 pm

First of all, I'll echo what everyone said, you're a awesome mom!!
Zehava's post is so on point.

I wonder why no one mentioned this yet, but based on your op alone, you seem to be a excellent writer. Beautiful description of the situation. Usually a long op takes away my interest to read. Here on the contrary I anticipated every word to see what comes next!! You should be in this field of writing Very Happy

Good luck with your son. You got some good advice here!!