Sending older kids away after giving birth

yksraya

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:12 am

cozyblanket wrote:

Someone recovering from major abdominal surgery cannot make pasta (that is a way too heavy pot for someone who just had all her abdominal muscles CUT), chicken cutlets or operate a gf grill. It is not entitlement. It is survival. From what delivery method were your kids born?

I can barely get myself an apple from the fridge after a c. I can't get in and out of bed. I sleep in a recliner. I can't pick up my sock if I drop it. I don't have family anywhere near where I live.

Don't judge ppl who you have not been in their shoes. Be happy you don't know what I am talking about.

It's ok to ask for help if you got no choice, but the idea that you expect ppl to send food is what ticked me off. No one owes it to you, no matter how hard recovery is. And yes I know it's much harder after a CS. Have a sil who had a few CS and recuperation was long and hard.

Those who take my kids for 2 wks, don't owe it to me, and they are not expected to take any kids for 4 wks because recovery after a CS is harder than a V birth. I'm extremely grateful for those who offer to take my kids, and I send them gifts and often even pay babysitting depending on the age kid I've sent. I would not expect them to keep my kid even a day later than they offered for.

pesek zman

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:12 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

A Yiddish mother shouldn't have to be bothered.

Basically, she shouldn't have to work to hard.

When my Polish grandmother visited me 3 days post partum and I was lying on the couch at one point, she said, 'what's wrong with you? Get up!'

This was definitely not her way/my mother's way/my way

Cultural expectation definitely are in play here

amother

Green

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:14 am

cozyblanket wrote:

Who says they manage? They have their kids home, that is all we know. Even with my VBs, I just got through it, I can't say how well I managed. I had no choice of how to do it even if I wanted to send away (which I am not too supportive of, but it depends on the kids, etc.) - no one offered to have them, so they stayed home. I was happy to have them, but I don't think you can assume everyone manages.

I know that "they" manage because I am one of the "they". As are my sisters and sisters in law and friends and neighbors. And we manage. The house may not be as clean and the meals not as fancy but the family members are happy. Of course there are those that dont manage I'm sure, but the general population does.

cozyblanket wrote:

Chassidish send away bc the option is available and supported in their circles.

Even if I had ten offers to take my kids, I wouldn't send them. It's clearly the mindset and culture, not just the availability.

amother

Green

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:15 am

amother wrote:

There is a cultural difference at play here. Chassidim and Heimishe families of Hungarian origin, tend to pamper and "shoin" women. The prevailing mindset is that a "Yiddishe Mamme zol zich nisht mitchen". Cleaning help is almost a given, many are SAHM's and kimpeturin homes run a brisk business.
I'm chassidish. For various reasons, I chose to keep all of my children home after the births of their younger siblings. Family and friends were practically incensed! They kept on trying to persuade me to send my kids to them. When I stood firm, they tried to get my husband and my mom to intervene. When the baby was born, we were inundated with meals and offers for playdates. They were trying to compensate for not hosting my kids!

Thank you for explaining!!!

gold21

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:18 am

livinginflatbus wrote:

I'm not chassidish and everyone in my circles sends their kids away. If you can't rest and take care of yourself how can you give to others? There's absolutely no shame in resting up after birth in a quiet home

Of course there's no shame in resting up.

Hey, if someone your kids are comfortable with is offering to watch your kids when you're PP, then I mean, like, no-brainer!

Just wondering what circles you run in. Cuz I don't know anyone in real life that sent their kids away PP. I guess their parents didn't offer. Just like, not a thing that's done.

gold21

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:28 am

livinginflatbus wrote:

I wouldn't send them to friends . Only family . Idk what I classify as probably JPF, got that from here , not yeshivish not mo

Are you sure everyone in your circles sends away?

Can I assume that you live in Flatbush? Wink

I know plenty of Flatbush JPF types that don't send away.

PinkFridge

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:32 am

It's erev Shabbos, ladies. How did this go from p. 6 (which I'm commenting on) to p. 8? I'm now forced to comment before reading the last two pages and I don't know if this has already been hashed out.

Re getting meals for 2 weeks or more: we are bnei and bnos Avrohom and Sara and excel in chessed and ingenious in finding ways to do chessed. IMO though you don't have to be a genius to offer food to a friend who just had a baby, and a community that has a chessed community committed to helping a family for two weeks is my kind of community. Now, thanks to technology and meal trains, I've got requests to help out. Which I do when I can.

I've b"H been the beneficiary of meals after giving birth to all my kids, as well as when I had back trouble. I've also been able to pay it forward, b"H.

I don't think this is controversial, or a sign of an entitled culture.

ETA: And when I've mentioned I had food in the freezer I was told, leave it for weeks 3 and beyond. And when I went into serious overtime and was beyond exhausted I was grateful to know I had the two weeks coming so I could dip into the freezer food.

PinkFridge

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 10:36 am

amother wrote:

So you personally reach out to the people who can help you. Complaining about it online doesn't raise awareness or help you personally.
I know. I have chronic illness and fatigue. There are days that breathing is too much work for me. I call people to come help me. I don't say that everyone with chronic illness needs meals for life.

Refuah shleima and hugs!
I would have no problem regularly cooking for someone in the community with a chronic condition. We're all here for each other.

amother

Khaki

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 11:08 am

I personally have had 2 very smooth deliveries, barely any stitches bh bh. Had I had c sections would never feel this way but I believe what is ideal is for kids to be home with you. And for u to get full time help with taking kids to school, cooking and cleaning and entertaining kids. my kids also do not transition well and have anxiety when not home so for me it is a huge stress to think are they ok etc.

Laughing Bag!

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 11:25 am

PinkFridge wrote:

I think Chassidish posters are likely to have lots of family nearby.

In general yes Chassidish families do tend to live near their parents and siblings but its becoming less, with young families moving away lately, when they outgrow their apartments and move to different areas. That's where friends come in, we do try to rely on family but friends are the next best thing. I don't live near my parents or in-law's. I have one first cousin nearby that I sent to, the rest are by friends. I do sent my SAH-toddler to my sil an hr away since toddlers are harder to place and my sil does it gladly.
I've taken toddlers from my friends and people thought I'm crazy for doing it as a favor most people would do it only for money even when it comes to friends. I'm happy when I can do it though and would never think of taking money.

amother

Oak

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 11:29 am

PinkFridge wrote:

Refuah shleima and hugs!
I would have no problem regularly cooking for someone in the community with a chronic condition. We're all here for each other.

Well, if you are serious and live in Flatbush, I will definitely add you to the list of people I reach out to when necessary.

amother

Plum

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 11:48 am

amother wrote:

Not everyone can afford to pay for full time help. So while your theory may be ideal to keep them home and get extra help it doesn't work for everyone.....

yksraya

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 11:52 am

amother wrote:

Not everyone can afford to pay for full time help. So while your theory may be ideal to keep them home and get extra help it doesn't work for everyone.....

Yeah, everyone needs to do what works for them, as long as you make sure to take it easy and recuperate. But something has to be done, whether sending away the kids, hiring help, or asking for help. Bouncing back when you're not ready can backfire badly.

flowerpower

Fri, Mar 17 2017, 11:55 am

amother wrote:

True, and that would go for all circles.

So...back to the original topic...why is it that almost across the board, chassidish families send away the children after giving birth, and non-chassidish families dont? It can't be that chassidish mothers are weaker after birth across the board.

WHy is it that litvish/yeshivish mothers of just as large families can manage after birth with their kids home and their chassidish counterparts can't?

Genuinely curious what the difference is.

My yeshivish friend had number 6 recently. The oldest I think is 8. She told me every afternoon a different neighbor takes the kids after school until bedtime. That is how she manages. I can't imagine the kids having a smooth transition to a new sibling that way. My kids would go nuts.

When my sister had a baby I went to take her supper. She was sitting on the couch with a screaming newborn and had a few needy kids trying to get their attention. She looked like she was going to get a dizzy attack or who knows what.

My friend got fever after a week of giving birth from overworking

So when you ask why some can do it, it doesn't mean that they fully do it. The body is weaker, the noise Seems louder and they go through those days in a haze. I do think your delivery experience has a big impact on the recovery part. I had a very traumatic birth last time and it was a much harder recovery from this time.