Do you update your minhagim based on practicality?

amother

Oak

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 11:18 am

water_bear88 wrote:

The bolded is what I found objectionable in your post. Not the fact that you wash off the spoon.

ok so I exaggerated a bit. its more like we eyeroll about how he takes it so seriously but we dont do it and what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

SixOfWands

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 11:18 am

Chayalle wrote:

This is reminding me of a story I think I heard in the name of the Belzer Rebbe. A Chassid came to him and complained that his wife does not want to follow certain chumrahs of his, including not buying any ready products (to make her life easier). The Rebbe asked him if he makes his own matzos and wine, and he said he does not - he buys them from the matza bakery and the winery.

So the Rebbe said - if it were YOUR job to do the cooking and baking, you would also want some ready products. Your job is to get the matza and wine - so you buy those ready made - and then you want your wife to make everything from scratch.

Not to mention shechting your own cows and chickens.

yksraya

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 12:33 pm

amother wrote:

Val titosh toras imecha-which means minhagim. You do whatever your husband tells you.
If we laugh or question our mesorah then we may as well not keep anything.
This discussion is for eighth graders.
My mother comes from a family that bruks they dunk the matzah into the soup -heaven! She married a chasidish guy that has seperate tables for matzah and regular food. We don't mish or bruk.
Keeping these chumros it doesn't restrict us, it makes us malachim-royal.

That depends if it's a chumra done happily or if it's done bec of OCD and it becomes a burden on the kids and they have a negative association with it. It's not as black and white and everyone needs to do what's right for them sanity wise. Emotional/mental health is far more important than chumras.

Note: not saying one should drop all chumras. It's great to keep chumras and pass it from generation to generation.

yksraya

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 12:39 pm

About the utensils dropping debate: if it's not in agreement with your husband, you can't do it behind his back. The kids will learn it's ok to do things behind the backs of their parents, and later in life behind the backs of their husbands.

Also, this is how kids get confused, they won't know the difference between halacha and minhag/chumra if one spouse thinks of it as halacha, but the other one says chumra and doesn't keep it behind the back, they can asume that something that is halacha is also chumra and drop that for convenience purposes.

I'm of the opinion, that if you can't stick to it, discuss it with your dh before pesach. If need be speak to a rav abt it. But get on the same page as your dh. Wether you compromise for him, or he for you, no one does anything behind eachothers backs.

water_bear88

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 12:58 pm

zaq wrote:

He will find out one day.
I won't be there to see what happens next.
You will.
Just saying.

And/or her kids will someday be doing something that effects her negatively behind her back, because they've seen that's acceptable in their family culture. Or they'll learn good behavior elsewhere but not leave their kids alone with her so they don't get bad ideas. Someone is going to get hurt here, regardless.

gp2.0

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:02 pm

yksraya wrote:

What about lying for the sake of shalom? I used to agree with you. People should be upfront and communicate and compromise. The problem is when people are rigid and refuse to communicate or compromise. Then you both end up frustrated and angry.

This lady will gain NOTHING by discussing this with her husband. (Or father?) It will just make them both miserable. With some people, in some situations, the easiest way to preserve shalom and keep a semblance of respect is to lie.

When my grandfather asks me if I carry with the eruv in Boro park on shabbos, I say no. End of story. You don't know how much anguish it caused him - for weeks - when he thought he figured out that we do carry. The truth isn't always worth it.

zaq

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:03 pm

water_bear88 wrote:

Quite so.

zohar

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:13 pm

zaq wrote:

No. Autocorrect caused this. I meant YOU need to spell check. Not your computer. You. G-d gave you sechel that a computer lacks.

Relax. Your right autocorrect is the culprit, but would you believe that my new phone's autocorrect is very aggressive and although I remember going back to change that (and the following word) it still went back and changed it again? Also, would you believe that while I try to use correct grammer and spelling, I don't believe this is my thesis or something and I choose not to lose to much sleep over it.
I actually thought you found my mistake humorous and were having fun with it. My bad.

SixOfWands

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:24 pm

amother wrote:

If keeping these chumras makes you FEEL royal, then by all means continue them. Although given then you think that the simple act of dunking a piece of matza into soup would be "heaven" leads me to believe that you feel these restrictions acutely.

But eating your matzo at a separate table or over something that looks like a horse's feed bag or making sure it never gets wet or whatever chumra you adopt doesn't make you "royal," or even a better joy than someone who spends 8 days eating matzo balls and matzo brie. Jews aren't ascetics. We don't wear hair shirts.

Moonlight

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:30 pm

My parents minhag/chumra/thing is also to put aside cutlery that falls on the floor until the next year Pesach, and not use it EVEN if it is washed with soap. I understand it to be a very widespread minhag and I'm surprised that someone on the Lakewood Bais Horaah would term it "minhag shtus".

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:42 pm

Moonlight wrote:

To be correct - he said kashering it would be shtus. There is no need to kasher something that did not become chometz.

And he does not currently serve on the Bais Horaah.

treestump

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 2:18 pm

Some people here are misusing the word chumra.

Chumra = the most stringent halachic opinion on the matter.

Like, if there are several opinions in the gemara, and a minority opinion is more stringent. If you take the stringent minority opinion upon yourself, you are being machmir, taking on a chumra - the stringent opinion.

For those asking to respect chumros - first of all, most of the things mentioned are not chumros.

Second of all, while I respect your right to practice whatever chumros you like, I don't respect the stringent customs themselves, which barely have a basis in halacha and cause untold hardship and stress to many, many families.

There's a sin of adding to the Torah for a reason. I don't know why more people aren't machmir on that.

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 2:29 pm

My husband was talking to a Rav in our community about the minhag of Kitniot and the seed of quinoa.
Rav tells DH that years ago ground coconut and potatoe starch were not certified klp by the Eidah Hachareidis (anything that resembled chometz). Till Rabbi Weiss became the Gavaad and allowed it to be certified KLP.

Just shows you, minhagim can be changed...

greenfire

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 2:55 pm

first of all there are some people who don't use utensils if it falls to the floor ... you don't have to like it & you don't have to agree ...

the place I have an issue is for the husbands who are machmir on this - where the wives simply wash it behind his back [whilst laughing] ... why on earth would anybody trust any of your other kashrus ?!?!?!

at mimimum - be honest !!!