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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
3yo dd knows she is beautiful



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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 4:08 am
BH my 3 y.o dd is unusually beautiful and (unfortunately) we get stopped by random people/strangers on the street literally all the time who comment on it. I already don't really appreciate it b/c I do usually have other kids with me who are ignored but that's a separate issue.
My 3 yo dd is particularly articulate and has begun saying things like 'Right I'm so beautiful?' and things like that. It bothers me, I don't want her to be caught up in physicality. I've said things like 'Hashem makes everyone beautiful in their own way.' and 'Right, but the really important thing is to make sure your actions are beautiful like when you do mitzvos and are nice to people.'
Any other thing I should be saying or doing?? Any advice?
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 4:14 am
Use the word beautiful often to describe good midos, behavior, etc.

"Look how he is helping the homeless! He has such a beautiful neshama."
"I am so proud of you for sharing! You are showing such beautiful midos!"
"What a beautiful mitzvah. I love listening to you daven."
"Baruch Hashem others can see you have a beautiful body, but I know you have a beautiful neshama!"
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 8:12 am
Be careful that she doesn't confuse your love for her with her beauty. I love the idea amother above said about beautiful neshama and beautiful midos.

I think if she's asking if she's beautiful, you can answer ' you have a beautiful smile. You have beautiful hands that are so helpful to everyone. You have a beautiful angry face.' let her know that every part of her is beautiful, so she feels like she can feel or do anything and still be beautiful in your eyes.
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jflower




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 8:39 am
Make sure you compliment your other children as well for their beautiful accomplishments / middos.
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 8:42 am
Love all the above ideas but whatever you do, make sure you tell her how beautiful she is. I was never told that ever and now as an adult am constantly told how beautiful I am. But I look for love in all the wrong places. It really messed me up. It's so important to hear it from a healthy place of love. And of course while also focusing on what the other posters wrote.

Eta: never told by my parents. As I got older and more beautiful I got it from everyone else, but to this day not a word from my parents.
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 8:47 am
I think you shouldn't be so upset that she knows that she is beautiful. She might feel it.
Just say yes you are beautiful. Tell you other girls that they are beautiful on different occasions. Even if she knows that she is beautiful it's not bad. Just don't make a big deal out of it and put more emphasis on her good midos and other good values. if you are a nice person being beautiful or rich etc is a plus because you can have good influence on people. And the opposite.
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 9:30 am
Yeah, as she gets older, I'd say Hashem gave every person different special things about them and one of the special things he gave you is that you are very pretty. I'd try to make sure each kid knows they are special in some way. And that each special thing Hashem gave us is a tool we can somehow use at some point for our mission in life.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 9:37 am
amother wrote:
Love all the above ideas but whatever you do, make sure you tell her how beautiful she is. I was never told that ever and now as an adult am constantly told how beautiful I am. But I look for love in all the wrong places. It really messed me up. It's so important to hear it from a healthy place of love. And of course while also focusing on what the other posters wrote.

Eta: never told by my parents. As I got older and more beautiful I got it from everyone else, but to this day not a word from my parents.


I agree with this.

Also, there is nothing wrong with her knowing she is beautiful. Just like there's nothing wrong with someone knowing they have a beautiful voice, or that they dance beautifully.

They're all gifts from Hashem. And she can enjoy it and appreciate it. As long as you model good non-vain middos and behavior, and your chinuch for ALL your children gives the message that pnimiyus is what counts, she should be fine.

It's not just what you tell her. That might have the least impact, actually. It's what you model, your own mentality, and all the indirect messages you send.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 12:42 pm
I'm divided about this topic. On the one hand, if a child learns that a stranger's remarks are the TRUTH, what's the child gonna think when a stranger tells her something derogatory?
We want our children to believe the positive and not the negative, yet it's beyond the mind's capacity to sort these things into their proper bins so to speak.

I'd rather teach my child to self-assess. For example, ''Mommy, right I'm beautiful?''
I'd say, ''What makes you say that, honey?''
Child might say ''So and so said so''
I might say, ''oh, how interesting that so and so said so. What do YOU think, honey? Do you think you're beautiful?''
And all the other children, those who are not hearing it from the strangers, begin to learn that they have internal capacity to feed themselves positive messages.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 12:45 pm
My initial reaction is "So what?"

It's ok if she knows she's beautiful. Don't make her feel bad about it!
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 12:49 pm
Every little girl should believe she is beautiful.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 12:52 pm
Strangers would often stop my mother on the street and point at me and say how beautiful I am. I was with a few of my sisters (we are five in a row, a year and a half apart each).

I think my mother didn't like that my beauty was put on center stage. I felt it. I resented that my mother didn't ''fargin'' me to feel good about my beauty.

I had a difficult life (who doesn't?) And the comments of, ''Oh, she's so beautiful!!!!'' gave me something of value.

Let your daughter enjoy the compliments. I don't see the harm in a child knowing she's beautiful.
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rae




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 1:56 pm
Just as an aside, the beautiful little girls don't always become the beautiful adults. Validate that she's beautiful because it's a core need for most girls to feel pretty. However, please make sure to value and point out all her other many many assets. Beauty is not the be all and end all.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 2:27 pm
We just got 4 yo dd the book "The Rainbow Fish' - about a beautiful fish who has no friends because he's too proud, then he gives is special beautiful scales away to all the other fish and he feels so happy to have shared with them even though he's not more beautiful than the other fish anymore - e.g. happiness and sharing and making others happy are more important than beauty. My daughter loved the book and seems to be taking the message to heart. I recommend this book and/or others like it.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Sun, Mar 26 2017, 8:10 pm
I think it's important to know what our strengths are, so we can have hakoras hatov to Hashem for His gifts.

OP I think you're handling it fine. Children should feel beautiful, and that it's from Hashem.

I'd also tell your other kids that Hashem made them beautiful. Also, that Hashem made them smart.

But convey to them that what you value the most are their efforts and middos.
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