S/O - Bring something when going to parents for all of YT?

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Mar 27 2017, 4:44 pm

I was reading the thread about being guests at a friend for all of Pesach. I remembered how the one year we were home for YT, everything was so expensive. I have never before brought anything though I do help before.

I told DH we should at least bring matzos, but he claims that none of his siblings ever did it, and my father anyway buys more than enough, so if we bring our own, they'll have six leftover boxes instead of three. IOW, there's no point.

Do you bring something when you go to parents or in-laws for Pesach?

amother

Seashell

Mon, Mar 27 2017, 4:50 pm

amother wrote:

I think going to friends vs parents for all of Pesach is different - since parents always give their children so much, I believe it's not as "expected" to "cover their extra costs" if you know what I mean. I would say to ask if there's anything helpful you can bring with you. If not, it's still nice to get a "token" gift of appreciation, but I don't think you need to feel the need to "cover" costs, unless of course parents are struggling with finances and you can afford to help.

Also, want to point out, you bring nachas to your parents (as opposed to when going to your friends), so that in and of itself is "something" that you are bringing!

out-of-towner

Mon, Mar 27 2017, 5:06 pm

It's very personal. If your parents would appreciate you bringing something then by all means do so. If $$$ is tight for them maybe offer to buy wine or some meat or something.

One year when we went to my parents, I offered to buy my mother a food processor because she didn't have one for Pesach. She didn't want one, so instead we bought them some games to keep my younger siblings happy over YT.

If you think she would appreciate a cookbook, I just saw a new one called Perfect for Pesach by Naomi Nachman which looked really good. I think a gift is a nice idea, so something like that or a frame with your latest family portrait would be nice.

And that goes without saying to offer your help and clean up after yourself and your children throughout YT.

amother

Coral

Mon, Mar 27 2017, 5:22 pm

My parents don't expect it, but I always bring something. It's a tremendous amount of work to make Pesach, and hosting my family is an additional effort and expense. I feel it's only right to express our appreciation with a tangible gift, in addition to helping as much as possible on yomtov. If I'm overwhelmed and don't have a chance to buy something special, I'll at least get a really nice bouquet of flowers.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Mar 27 2017, 8:36 pm

I agree that this is personal, depending on the parents and their situation.

We will be spending all of Pesach with my parents and I plan on helping my mom cook as well as setting the table and helping clean (and of course making sure to do the best I can with cleaning up after my toddler!). I also want write some kind of card thanking my parents for having us over. I think those are the things my parents would appreciate most.

joss3

Tue, Mar 28 2017, 9:38 am

We bring nice wine or a flower arrangement to my parents. If there are other siblings coming we spend more on the flowers and split.
My father in law doesn't appreciate wine and is allergic to flowers so we bring a small gift. Like a crystal water pitcher, a cookbook, salad in a pretty bowl.
I also help a lot with dishes and serving, but I feel that a token of thanks is always appreciated.

zaq

Tue, Mar 28 2017, 9:53 am

OP, if you want to bring something to show appreciation to your inlaws, by all means do so. Just because your sibs-in-law are thoughtless doesn't mean you have to be. If your fil does in fact buy more matzah than necessary, bring something else. How well do you know your inlaws and their likes/dislikes/needs? Ask your mil what she would appreciate. If she really doesn't want anything in the way of necessities, maybe she would appreciate really nice fruit, paper goods, hand towels, dish towels or pot holders, liqueur or sweets for dessert, or something to keep the grandchildren occupied and out of trouble.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Mar 28 2017, 9:53 am

There's really no specific answer. It's highly individual. I know my mother would not at all appreciate getting a gifty item, she has enough "stuff" (pitchers, vases, bowls, tablecloths etc), she's not into gifts and I think would find it weird for her kids to bring that. Maybe something practical like wine for the seder or something that I know for sure she needs like if her tablecloth is damaged...

More than a gift she would appreciate if we help out in the kitchen, bake something, make salads... and be on top of our kids.

chulentalakiddush

Tue, Mar 28 2017, 10:09 am

It's always nice to bring something when you're a guest. We go to my in-laws for the last days. My sis in law is there for the whole chag so she contributes by bringing all the nosh. In the past I've brought a nice ($50) bottle of wine, an acrylic shmurah matzoh holder, but I'm not sure what to do this year either. I think I may bring wine again...

amother

Natural

Tue, Mar 28 2017, 10:18 am

amother wrote:

This.
I'll also help her prepare salads and side dishes as she likes to cook on y't and have fresh food. On chol hamoed I usually crack more bags of nuts and juice and if needed bake cookies. The years I'm able I go help before pesach with either cleaning or in the kitchen.
My mother's favorite gift is pictures, so will try to print some and give her a small album. And get her a new book.

Mil- she gets nothing, no more. She gets so upset. Never acknowledges or of I bring a baked goodie or salad it gets literally thrown back in my face.(while my sil's get all excited) she's the most wonderful amazing normal person but I guess she just can't accept things from other people. I used to get her flowers or some other things not easily available where she lives (oot with no nearby florist) but stopped. The only time she appreciates it is when she makes a simcha...

Otoh though, (she doesn't know about this) we give our maaser plus funds my husband raises towards their bills cuz there's no $. We buy the kids shabbos robes and tights and have it get to her somehow without her knowing who foot the bill (we live on a very tight budget and ironically it's usually the contrary)

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Mar 28 2017, 12:00 pm

amother wrote:

Mil- she gets nothing, no more. She gets so upset. Never acknowledges or of I bring a baked goodie or salad it gets literally thrown back in my face.(while my sil's get all excited) she's the most wonderful amazing normal person but I guess she just can't accept things from other people. I used to get her flowers or some other things not easily available where she lives (oot with no nearby florist) but stopped. The only time she appreciates it is when she makes a simcha...

Otoh though, (she doesn't know about this) we give our maaser plus funds my husband raises towards their bills cuz there's no $. We buy the kids shabbos robes and tights and have it get to her somehow without her knowing who foot the bill (we live on a very tight budget and ironically it's usually the contrary)

Surely she doesn't literally throw things in your face? For one thing it would make an unholy mess, and for another, if she hurled things in your face, I don't think you'd continue going there. What you probably mean is she figuratively, throws things in your face iow rejects your gifts.

Semantics aside, maybe your mil is overly sensitive to pity. Sometimes poor people assume that any gift is an act of charity, not of plain niceness, or they believe that a gift requires reciprocity and creates an obligation that they can't afford. How would you feel if someone, not your own parent, gave you a gift you couldn't afford to reciprocate? Would you be comfortable accepting it and feeling for the rest of your life that you "owe" them something, or might you possibly say "I'm sorry, this is so nice of you, but I really can't accept such an expensive gift"?

How's your financial situation compared to your sils? Is it possible that your mil knows that your sils can afford to give her things but you can't, and that's why she's upset that you give them? While parents may appreciate gifts from their kids, they don't want children to have to sacrifice to give them.

Laughing Bag!

Tue, Mar 28 2017, 2:36 pm

We go every year to my parents, we would buy anything they need and don't ask for the money however my parents want to pay back and Dh wants to contribute the last 2 years Dh gave money towards the matzos since we come long distance we don't bring our own However we end up getting the money back at the end of yt as a gift to buy something (sh,sh... Dh doesn't know but as much as I insist my Mother always manages to get the envelope back in my bags).