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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Son's friend is dying how could I console?



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amother
Purple


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 3:46 pm
My son is 18 years old has a friend in yeshiva who is dying of cancer r"l. A day before my son left Yeshivah for bein hazmanim this boy told my son it's probably the last time he will see him. He has one month to live((( My son is so distraught. Either crying or walking around depressed. How could I console him. Anyone have words of advice? It's soo sad and I don't have the right words to help my son.
Thank you in advance.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 3:49 pm
Sometimes we don't have the words to console our children during painful passages such as this. Open the door and tell him you don't know what to do to help him or comfort him. Ask him if he knows what he needs and wants right now. Let him know that you realize that emotions are fluid at times of crisis so what he wants today may not be what he wants tomorrow.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 4:37 pm
It's human nature especially as a parent to want to console him but there's a time and place and right now he needs to let his emotions run their course as he can't really grieve yet but he's feeling grief. Just tell him that you empathize and really feel for him and that it's a horrible tragic situation and he shouldnt fight the emotions but try to channel it to something productive. Take on something that is in zechus for him that it should be as painless as possible etc.
Besuros Tovos. Nissan is a month of miracles we should all see revealed miracles speedily.
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amother
Purple


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 5:23 pm
Thank you so much for your advice and compassion!
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 5:41 pm
Unfortunately, speaking from experience...I highly recommended therapy.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 5:43 pm
maybe he could arrange a visit to him during chol ha'moed ?

I'm so sorry for your son & his friend being terminally sick ... may Hashem watch over both of them
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 5:52 pm
When H' takes away a neshama he tells all the imahos come and comfort the family in pain and that's how people have a strength that is beyond their imagination to survive a loss.
He should have a yeshua and a refuah. Im sure the bochur doesn't want him to cry. He should do what he thinks this bochur would want him to do. It appears that the bachur is going on with life as much as he can.
Wow wow so sad. Its traumatic.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 6:17 pm
amother wrote:
He should have a yeshua and a refuah. Im sure the bochur doesn't want him to cry. He should do what he thinks this bochur would want him to do. It appears that the bachur is going on with life as much as he can.
Wow wow so sad. Its traumatic.


Crying is probably the healthiest thing in this tragic situation. Feeling grief is infinitely more healing than burying all the grief deep in the heart where it bubbles and festers.

OP, that is such a heartbreaking situation to be in. And it must be so painful watching your son mourn this at such a young age. Hugs, and I hope you all find healing and comfort.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 6:18 pm
I don't think you can console him. This is just a terribly hard and sad situation. I think you can tell him that his emotions are normal and that you are there for him - to talk, to just cry, or whatever else he needs/wants. That it is okay to feel what he is feeling and to cry etc.

I think you can offer him the option of talking to a therapist and/or a rav and explain to him why one or both of these options may help him. But I wouldn't pressure him. Unless he is really not functioning and that goes on for awhile - then perhaps you'd have to push therapy.

Maybe get in touch with Chai Lifeline. Unfortunately they deal with this a lot. I am sure they would be able to give you guidance.

If he wants something concrete to do with his feelings some ideas are journaling, writing to his friend, davening, learning or doing chesed as a zechus, talking to other friends who are dealing with this situation and maybe learning together with them. But I wouldn't push anything.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 6:19 pm
amother wrote:
Unfortunately, speaking from experience...I highly recommended therapy.


I agree. I lost a friend and my parents never gave the tools to handle it properly. It took a long time for me to figure things out on my own.
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yummydd




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 7:30 pm
Pm me if you would like me to put you in touch with chai lifeline bereavement division. They specialize for such kinds of cases
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amother
Silver


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 8:11 pm
I think you should leave him alone to grieve but tell him that if he wants to talk then you're there for him. Just keep an eye on him that it doesn't take over his life that he becomes depressed and can't function properly
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cozyblanket




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 8:36 pm
I can't add any more than what you have already been told by other posters, but I just wanted to send a hug to everyone involved. Bsuros tovos.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 8:38 pm
Another vote for therapy. I think it's wrong of parents to think that their children will just get over a traumatic experience. They may just let it fester and be confused and scared, alone in their own mind.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 8:47 pm
When he expresses his emotions just be with him. Just listening is very powerful. Let him sit down with you and have a conversation with you where he speaks and you listen. But listen to everything he says. Be with him and no distractions. He should know that your with him and listening.

Listening is a powerful tool we have that doesnt cost anything but is tremendously powerful.

Therapists spend most of their time listening and learning how to reflect people's feelings. A good therapist has expertise in this. Reason I'm saying this is you can do the listening too.

Go for walks with him and let him speak it out.

You know your son, what comforts him. And it might be a good idea to speak with chai lifeline.

Hugs to you this is very hard to watch.

I second that he should ask this Bochur if he would like visitors. Again he needs to feel comfortable with this. It might be a good idea on paper but he needs to feel comfortable with it.

We should never have to deal with this, may Hashem heal all those who need it. May moshiach come and heal all.

Maybe he can do some action to get him to make something positive out of it. Challenges are there to make us rise above it. To do what he can for a zechus and to make him feel less despondent.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 8:50 pm
Not everyone can handle a therapist when they are grieving. If it's a good match and the client is ready to share then it works but not if the client is not ready for it. Op only you can know if your child is willing or ready to go. Again very good advice but it's worth knowing your child and knowing if they would be open to it.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 8:54 pm
That is so hard Hug

I lost a friend at 17. She had been sick but it was rather sudden and incredibly difficult. Therapy wasn't all that popular back then - what helped me most was leaning on my friends who were going through the same grief.

Does he have a group of friends that includes this friend? For me (and my friends), talking through the pain with others who were right there with me was the most therapeutic experience. If he has friends to share this with, they may be the best therapy, but definitely let him know that you are there for him and it's okay if he needs extra help to get through the grief.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 8:58 pm
Sourstix, most therapists do not spend most of their time listening and reflecting feelings. Just wanted to point that out. They have specialized skills that are developed over many years of study and experience.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Wed, Mar 29 2017, 9:08 pm
Hugs to you and your family. I lost a friend abruptly at age 17. It was a disorienting experience in many ways. It helped to know that my parents cared for and loved me, quietly without making too much of a scene. Coincidentally I was seeing a therapist at the time for something else, but it wasn't particularly helpful and I discontinued soon after. Not everyone needs or benefits from professional help for every situation.

Ask your son if he thinks he would like to talk with someone, and facilitate it in any way you can if he does. But if he is generally emotionally healthy and wants to try to cope without professional help at first, don't force it. Just keep an eye on him and make sure communication stays wide open, so he can change his mind whenever he wants.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 30 2017, 4:24 am
I agree with all the above.

I don't know if your son goes on the computer, but Aish, Chabad, and Breslov all have great articles on grieving. He may not be ready to read any of them, but if you send him the links in an email, he can have them whenever he feels like he can handle it. It may be very helpful in the months to come.

Make sure that he doesn't feel any pressure to read anything, and tell him that you understand if he isn't interested right now.

May we all know no more troubles, and Moshiach comes NOW to wipe away our tears. Hug
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