How did you stick to decision not to potch?

amother

Apricot

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 10:00 am

I'm finding it so hard to stick to this decision. my kids are getting to the stage of manipulating and threatening each other and I'm having a tough time not potching when things get out of control. I feel so guilty. I am so guilty. I apologize after but I feel like it's just a band aid for my own hurt not theirs.
how did you do it??

Blue jay

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 10:07 am

manipulating and threatening each other stage?

No such stage.

How old are your children, OP? This will help me understand your situation better and avoid potching.

As an immediate intervention When you feel out of it and ready to potch, go to a different room or bathroom and change the scene for moment to collect your senses. If you cant leave then look out the window, or better yet look at the ceiling and take a few deep breaths. Repeat to yourself "Its not worth it. I can deal with this in a better way."

Last edited by Blue jay on Thu, Mar 30 2017, 10:20 am; edited 2 times in total

Blue jay

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 10:35 am

amother wrote:

my children are under 5. my older one will convince LO to give up all her toys and stuff. if LO touches one of her stuff she shrieks so loud till LO drops everything and runs away crying.
how is this not manipulating?

OP, its good you can name the behavior problem as you see it. But you dont need to expect it or accept it. It sounds like the oldest is having problems with sharing. You need to talk to the oldest and tell her that her younger siblings let her play with their toys and therefore she should let them play with her toys as well. IF she is going to scream and carry on, then she cant play for 5 minutes and is punished in a time out. Also, at this age you need to be Solomon the wise and give time limits on each toy being shared for awhile.

Everyone needs to cooperate according to their appropriate age level. If there is a sacred special toy that is not up for sharing with your children, they need to respect each others boundaries too. But for the most part the oldest needs to lead the way in sharing.

All children as a group should be responsible for putting their toys away and treating them with respect as well.

Iymnok

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 10:40 am

It's called trail and error. It works. She gets her toy back.
Your job is to teach her good communication skills. Pitching won't teach her that. But in this instance they are both wrong. The one who's taking needs to learn not to or to ask. The one who is being taken from needs to learn how to say no, give a different toy, share... something else that works.

Your older one seems to have good negotiating skills for her own benefit. That's great.

You can't punish unfairness. But if the screaming itself bothers you, it can be a punishable action.

amother

Rose

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 10:43 am

OP, also I have trouble with not potching certain of mmy kids. One of them seriously will hit the BABY until he cries, and on purpose, while laughing! This is a kid who is old enough to know better (7).

I found The Nurtured Child WOrkbook to be very very helpful for me. It provides other ways of dealing with extremely not ok behavior.

(BTW, I NEVER had any situations that triggered my "potch response" in my older kids. Those with less intense kids just don't get it. Not saying it's ok, but you shouldn't feel like you are an awful person, these kids are pushing your buttons deliberately to get an exciting response and they will keep pushing until they get it. Until you have a comprehsnive way of dealing with things they will just keep doing it and escalating the behavior until you hit them.)

gibberish

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 12:43 pm

Read parenting books and develop other methods of how to prevent and respond to misbehaviors. There are many good books out there. (As an aside, I strongly dislike the book 123 magic mentioned upthtread, there are better ones out there). I recommend Love and Logic, How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and The Nurtured Heart Approach.
Best of luck!

amother

Babypink

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 12:56 pm

Early on I did potch my kids a few times. Not super hard, but enough for a sting.

Then I reflected on a few things:

1. My parents hit me a lot when I was a kid. Although I get along fine with them, I still resent them for it to this day. I didn't want my kids to hate me.

2. My kids felt afraid of me. I was not okay with this. Kids should not fear their parents.

3. The absurdity of teaching kids it's never okay to hit someone else no matter what the reason (except for true self defense) but hitting them for a reason that is not self defense.

4. Hitting was ineffective in bringing about the behavioral changes I was seeking in my kids.

5. I felt embarrassed when I overheard one child tell her friend that I had hit her. If your behavior embarrasses you, it should be clear that it's WRONG.

After serious reflection over this, it was frankly easy to stop.

Full disclosure.... I'm still working on the yelling. But I have kept my hands to myself for many years now.

amother

Slategray

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 2:40 pm

Definitely the easiest way is to replace hitting with a different discipline method. Books to learn from: I personally liked '1-2-3 magic' as well, since the method is simple to learn. I also strongly recommend P.E.T. - Parent Effectiveness Training. Another good one is How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.

I also strongly recommend going to a parenting class to learn more effective parenting techniques and discipline methods.

Also, if you find that you just can't control yourself, you may want to start going to a mindfulness class or to a therapist who can teach you anger management (or anxiety management, or whatever the underlying emotion is that makes you lose control).

greenfire

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 4:32 pm

think of it this way ... if someone hit you how would you feel ? scared. unloved. pained. would you want your child feeling this way ... absolutely not

find a time out corner ... bring the child there ... tell them what they did wrong and to think about it ... depending on the age [some say a minute for every year but under 4 I find this ineffective & too long] come back after and on their level - face to face - remind them they cannot ____ ... ask them if they understand - then guide them out of the timeout to apologize or clean up mess or play nicely or _____

they need consistency - not hitting

Laiya

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 5:21 pm

OP, I think you first need to ask why you are hitting.

Is it out of anger?
Or because it's the only thing they seem to respond to?

If you're hitting out of anger, then knowing better techniques probably won't help you stop. You first need to identify what thoughts trigger you to lose your temper.

What really helped me was learning not to personalize my kids' misbehavior. They do things that kids do. My job is to help them learn better ways, but it's not about me. Iow, take your own feelings about their behavior out of the equation.

amother

Khaki

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 5:28 pm

amother wrote:

U are basically saying it's ok. I'm sorry ur child annoys u so much that u just lose it and hit them. If u can't handle an annoying child then stop having kids. Even the easiest children have their bad days-not an excuse for you to hit out of anger. I personally don't believe in hitting ever, but I can understand someone doing it as a teaching tool, not just because their child is just so intense. That makes you a bad mother.

greenfire

Thu, Mar 30 2017, 5:45 pm

amother wrote:

...these kids are pushing your buttons deliberately to get an exciting response and they will keep pushing until they get it. Until you have a comprehsnive way of dealing with things they will just keep doing it and escalating the behavior until you hit them.)

so you are saying they asked for it much like a rape victim asks for it Confused

Iymnok

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 6:48 am

greenfire wrote:

so you are saying they asked for it much like a rape victim asks for it Confused

Mommy looks really excited in the minutes prior to the slap. The little child gets satisfaction out of a big response in someone so much bigger than them. It's also called seeking negative attention.
It can often be avoided if they are getting lots of positive attention and their negative behavior gets dealt with using minimal attention. (No talking, no emotion)

FranticFrummie

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 7:14 am

The only long term way to train children is with Natural Consequences. The punishment has to be directly related to the offense, and understandable by a child. Child grabs toy away, child loses the toy.

Parenting with Love and Logic is the BEST book I have ever read. The book for teens has saved my sanity, too.

Potching is not a logical consequence. It may stop the behavior in that moment, but the behavior will continue the next day, and the next, and the next. Logic will stick, even for a little one.

DD forced me to figure this out, because she's sensory seeking, and it turns out that she ENJOYS getting potched! She also likes getting pinched, squashed with sofa cushions, and walking barefoot in the snow. A smack on the bottom was nothing to her, and just make me feel completely ineffective as a parent.

Once I found the Love and Logic book, our whole lives changed for the better. At first she would tantrum at a consequence, but pretty quickly that phase passed, and she accepted her consequences with calm understanding that she had crossed the line.

As she got older (around 7 or 8), I would ask her what she thought her consequences should be. For example, if she stayed out after I asked her come inside, and I asked her about consequences, she would say "I'm grounded for a WEEK." I thought that was a bit much, and I said "How about 3 days, and you can work 2 of them off if you do some chores for me?" We were both happy, and she was more aware of the time in the future. Win/win!

shatzileh

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 12:47 pm

You may also want to consider what it is you'd like to teach your kids. While punishments (be it potching or otherwise) may get the behavior to stop, you also want to teach your kids the skills and provide them with the tools to succeed in life. They will need to interact with other kids, they will need to share their toys, they will need to assert their independence and they will need to protect their property at times. There are also times when they will need to read a situation and figure out what they can do so they can achieve their objectives; they will also be on the other end of these kind of situations, when someone is trying to manipulate them.

How can you intervene in a way that helps them build the skills they'll need later in life? I like the suggestions for how you can overcome your anger in the moment, but if it's a recurring situation like you suggest it is, it's time to sit down and plan what you want to teach them, and how you will react in the situation. Visualize it to yourself in detail, it'll make it easier to play it out.

Your kids will also come across situations where they are INCREDIBLY angry. When they react in a certain way because that's how Mommy always handled it, what kind of reaction will make you proud?