Husband refusing to kasher counters

imasinger

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 12:42 am

amother wrote:

ra mom, I just found a similar thread from 2009 and you said the same thing LOL

I also saw on that thread someone used a carpet runner. That sounds easy--they come in 10 foot rolls, so it will be about 30 dollars to cover everything. The correlated plastic seems like it will add up to over 200 (based on amazon pricing and my terrible math skills)

Here's a pic of the carpet stuff covering counters:

OP, you say that your DH has some extra reasons to be stressed right now. That means he is not going to be in an emotional position to bring you hot drinks and compliment you on a job well done, no matter how hard you have been working.

Because you have been doing it all yourself, it's similarly stressful for you, so it's natural to take his grumpiness personally. Try to remember that his behavior is not primarily about you, or about Pesach cleaning.

In the moment, I think the thing to do is have a conversation. "DH, Pesach preparation is a stressful time, and that is adding to the stress you already are under. Can we talk for a bit about what bothers you the most? Is it concerns that you will go hungry for the next week? (open up for listening) I think anyone might be uncomfortable about that (start by validating). OK, so your top concerns are Shabbos, breakfasts and dinners (or whatever)? Let me make that a priority. Give me an hour, and I'll make a plan to take your concerns into account and still get us ready for Pesach. (Responding to his needs)....OK, here's the list, will this work? (Being open to further input). Do you have any thoughts about how to address your concern and still attend to mine, that I need enough time to cook? (Getting his rational thought, rather than the overwhelmed child inside him at the helm).

Now, I still need to take care of the counters before X. Here's my proposed solution. I'm telling you right now that I understand what a tough time you're having, and I am stretching pretty far to let you off the hook this year. But it can't be like this every year. Next time, I'm going to show you my plan a month ahead of time, and you can compromise with me then. Because I don't want another Pesach preparation time like this ever again. I've been working like crazy this week, and have gotten nothing but grief. Let's both try to make each other happier next time. Deal?"

Hatzlacha!

OOTBubby

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 10:29 am

This is the first year that I have counters that can be kashered. In my old home we only kashered sinks and after seeing DH struggling with the pots for that (he once dropped one), no way would I let him kasher the counters too. Here in Chicago, there are several bochurim who have commercial steam machines (NOT like Sharks or home machines) that shoot both steam and hot water and you can hire them for kashering. They are approved by the local Rabbonim. I hired one of them and he did it and it was great. He did my counters, backsplash, sink and stainless steel cooktop. No mess after; just a little bit of water left on the counter to wipe up. They charge $45-$50 for a standard home (mine is bigger so it was more). If people do it in Chicago, I'm sure they do it elsewhere too. It is a great service.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 11:37 am

I wipe down the counters really well, and then cover everything, including the back splash, with cheap shower curtain liners. I tape them down with blue painter's tape. It only costs a few dollars. It doesn't look elegant, but it does the job.

When DH has anxiety attacks over things, I just ignore him. He tends to micro manage me, and I find it best if I just nod and pretend to go along. There's nothing I can say to calm him down, and it just starts a fight.

amother

Seagreen

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 12:16 pm

OP here. Thanks for the suggestions. I bought a rug runner, I think it will be fine and super cheap.
This morning my husband emphatically apologized and told me he cried during davening about what a jerk he had been. He made a neder to give 50$ to tzedaka if he criticizes me about my Pesach cleaning again shock

. Of course I accepted his apology. I also told him that the tzedaka part of it isn't necessary, I understand he is stressed and it is hard to say exactly the right thing every single time!

ra_mom

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 1:31 pm

amother wrote:

OR both. I said ask a rav.

I understand that some people take on a chumra to go through the kashering process and then fully cover as well.

Realize though that halachikly, many countertops and sinks are not kasherable (formica countertops, natural stone or man-made stone countertops with grooves, ceramic sinks). And so, pouring boiling water over them, as one would when kashering, is not actually considered kashering halachik-wise. The kosher status does not change with the boiling water process. In such a case, boiling water is not halacha and is not kashering. It's a cleaning process. For some it may be a chumra.

amother

Aqua

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 2:09 pm

amother wrote:

. Of course I accepted his apology. I also told him that the tzedaka part of it isn't necessary, I understand he is stressed and it is hard to say exactly the right thing every single time!

He sounds like a really special person. chag kasher vsameach, op!

sourstix

Fri, Mar 31 2017, 4:49 pm

In another thread someone asked if it's normal for a dh to criticize everything a woman does.she sounded so unsure of herself. She was saying how nothing she does is good enough for her.

Asking if this is normal. I hope that poster reads this and gets an example of how normal looks like. Normal people make mistakes and then realize and apologize and do whatever it takes to make it up to their spouse. Op your married to a nice guy. I'm sure you can figure out how to deal with this.

Two healthy peop,e figure it Out find a solution and move on.