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Favoring some adult married children over others
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 11:43 am
This is a spinoff of the entitlement thread.

Does anyone think it's ok to bestow preferred treatment towards one or some children? Whether money, babysitting services, clothing for the kids, tuition, paid vacation, down payment for a house, shabbas/yt invitations, jewelry gifts...?

What constitutes a good reason for giving (obviously and substantially) more to one than the other?
Is it kollel vs. working, sons vs. daugthers, healthy vs. sick, more kids vs. less kids, good SB vs. bad SB, living local vs. living abroad, having a 9-5 job vs. having a 6-11 job, earning 10k/yr vs. earning 100k/year, following the family's traditions vs. not? Or is it all random based on what you feel like doing right then?

This is a sincere question that I'm trying to understand.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:02 pm
In general, not ok.
However if some marrieds are really struggling (financially, shlom bayit, whatever) and some have 'struck gold' it makes sense to give more to those who need it.
I know siblings where one is a struggling single mom and the other is a rich lawyer who owns a huge apartment in upper west side. Of course the parents give the daughter more monetary support, the son doesnt need it. They do give the son lots of attention time and little gifts for his boys, but he doesnt want or need their cash and that's the way it should be.
Inheritances are different and should be split equally IMO. Among us siblings the rich sister really wanted to split her share amongst us but we wouldn't hear of it.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:21 pm
Nopes. Not ok.
My mils mother does that. She will only go to certain children for shabbos or yom tov. She just likes them better. Or in my husbands words "bobby doesn't like my mother much"
Very sad.

And my mil keeps running after her, buting her gifts and trying to please in the extreme ways.
And what do you know, my mil does the same. Although to a lot lesser degree.
My dh and his other non-favorite siblings do the same to his mom.....

Bh dh is a lot more self aware and grounded than my mil (hes more like fil). I very much believe that with time, he'll realize the dynamics amd won't repeat these misakes.

We have two little children now, he does not favor one over the other at all.

Oops. This was meant to be amother. Too much personal info about family members.


Last edited by amother on Tue, Apr 04 2017, 11:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:23 pm
pause wrote:
This is a spinoff of the entitlement thread.

Does anyone think it's ok to bestow preferred treatment towards one or some children? Whether money, babysitting services, clothing for the kids, tuition, paid vacation, down payment for a house, shabbas/yt invitations, jewelry gifts...?

What constitutes a good reason for giving (obviously and substantially) more to one than the other?
Is it kollel vs. working, sons vs. daugthers, healthy vs. sick, more kids vs. less kids, good SB vs. bad SB, living local vs. living abroad, having a 9-5 job vs. having a 6-11 job, earning 10k/yr vs. earning 100k/year, following the family's traditions vs. not? Or is it all random based on what you feel like doing right then?

This is a sincere question that I'm trying to understand.


Of course its fine!

What if one child (or his spouse) loses his job, and needs some money to tide him over, feed the kids, pay the mortgage. Are the parents obligated to give all of the kids the same money, even if they're doing fine?

Another kid is divorced, and struggling emotionally. Maybe the parents invite her over more often, or offer to babysit more often.

Everyone knows that you'll try to help if they need it, but you hope they don't ever need it.

And that leaves aside the giant bugaboo of which kid does more. One daughter does the parents' marketing, cooks and has them for every chag and Shabbat, takes them to all their appointments, and goes over 4 times a week to check on them. The other kids occasionally fill in, call a couple of times a week, and visit twice a month.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:30 pm
Well, my ILs "favor" us by giving us financial assistance but I'm pretty sure my BILs and SILs wouldn't resent it if they knew (actually, I have no idea if they know or not) being that they are all earning tremendous incomes living in multi-million dollar homes and have less kids and less tuitions.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:36 pm
I don't believe in fair - my children each need something different now. And I'm happy with them knowing life isn't fair.


One of my sister in laws had twins with a c-secion - 9 kids in 12 years . My mother in law paid for a nurse for a month - she didn't get the rest of us nurses. But that is fair because that is what she needed. I don't think my mother in law loves me any less because I didn't get.

My MIL does give to all her children very fairly - I don't know what she gives to everyone - but my in laws are still in kollel and live super simply. Most of the their children are still in kollel or rebbeim. We are the only working couple, not rich, but not struggling like the others. They still give us a very generous gift every yom tov. I don't know what they give the others because we don't compare - but just the fact they give so generously to us when we live differently makes me feel very good because they could just not give us and we would never know.

Personally I would feel better knowing that my in laws give the others with larger families and less income more money.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:40 pm
I think as long as a child feels loved by his/her parents he/she shouldn't worry about what the other siblings have. I have no idea what my parents give my siblings (if anything) but I have always felt that my parents would help me in any way they could if I needed them.
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Stars




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:44 pm
It all depends on the reasoning behind it.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:47 pm
There's a difference between "favoring" and "helping."

My parents/in laws help us more than they help our siblings because we are younger and not as advanced in terms of career- we are just starting out. Our siblings are many years older and are making a lot more money.

However, there are no favorites- all the grandchildren and children are loved equally.
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cnc




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:51 pm
I wouldn't consider a parent giving a sibling in need "favoring". If a sibling couldn't make ends meet and I B"H can, then I would have no resentment at all if they help out that sibling.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 2:30 pm
I sincerely do not understand the OP's question.

Do parents treat all their children equally before they are married? Of course not. They give each according to their need. No, I'm not talking about food/clothing/tuition - yes, parents probably do give equally to their children.... But...

What if a child needs PT/OT for some reason? Do the other kids automatically get therapy just because one sibling is getting?

A child is struggling in school so they get a tutor. Does everyone else get a tutor?

So even before marriage, parents treat some kids differently. It's not considered favoritism.

After marriage, why should that change?

With so many threads telling posters not to expect parents to give them anything, why do we expect that if they choose to give, they must give equally?

Life's not "fair".
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 2:46 pm
Op, that's a strange question. I think the 10 responses above me all said the same thing. It seems reasonable for parents to help out certain children that are in need of more help. Is this point debatable?

Op- I'm trying to understand your question. Were you asking if its ok for parents to help one child over another just because they like them more? Smarter? Better looking? What did you mean?
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 2:53 pm
I have the flip problem. My inlaws are obsessed with "fairness" and equality .
For example they give each of their grandchildren the same stretchy when they are born. Idk, she must have hundreds. It was cute at first, but when my fourth was born, I didnt want another one. It felt ridiculous.
We had a situation and we needed aloan. My fil said no because then he will have to give all the rest of the kids that money.
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 3:44 pm
amother wrote:
I have the flip problem. My inlaws are obsessed with "fairness" and equality .
For example they give each of their grandchildren the same stretchy when they are born. Idk, she must have hundreds. It was cute at first, but when my fourth was born, I didnt want another one. It felt ridiculous.
We had a situation and we needed aloan. My fil said no because then he will have to give all the rest of the kids that money.


Yep... "fairness" is really unfair!
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amother
Denim


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 3:57 pm
My in laws favor certain kids over otbers. We r not favored at all. They won't come to me even if they have a wedding in the hall 4 minutes away from me. I live in my house 3 years they came 2 times to visit despite coming to our neighborhood many many times. The kids go live in Lakewood are their favorites. Somehow it's not too far even though it's Farther than coming to me. They give them presents not us...sometimes it bothers me but sometimes not.
I have one brother married besides me. He is learning (at least officially) He is supported all the way by both sides. She doesn't work.they just moved back from Israel and never paid a dime in rent themselves. Went on vacation on other ppl dime. My parents almost bought him a. House. They r renting a new pta in the end buying lots of furniture. (On other ppl dime). Honest I feel it's 100 % unfair. I work. Dh works. We own a home bh and have what we need but I do resent it a bit knowing they live very highly and don't pay a thing. (I was never supported)
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 3:58 pm
I think parents SHOULD in fact give equally. While I understand exceptions for true emergencies, I do NOT agree with each according to his "needs".
It gets very complicated that way.
Why give one child more because he fiddled his way through college and now can't find a job? Why give one child less because he works 16 hour days in a successful but stressful job that he would love to leave if only he could?
Why give another child more because he and his spouse love expensive vacations and cars and a big home and now are cash poor and their children don't have nutritious food and tuition is difficult to pay?
And why give another child less because she is not the complaining type.
Obviously I am not saying that this is the case with all children in need but I am showing why it gets VERY complicated when a parent tries to judge which child has a valid reason to collect more and which doesn't.

ETA To clarify my opening statement - I don't think parents need to give at all. But if they do...
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amother
Gray


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 4:09 pm
Mother in law calls dh everytime she has a problem( she doesn't think she should bother her dh).
There was once a situation that mother in law favored a different child, instead of dh. I don't care if I'm mean or not, but last time she asked for a ride, and there was no place, it was a pleasure to say no to her. Twisted Evil
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amother
Coral


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 4:42 pm
I understand that its sometimes fair to be unfair, BUT maybe do It quietly?

Also my in laws will do a lot of babysitting /give money ect to my brother in law (and do other things for other siblings) bc he complained non stop but in reality maybe he was struggling but we were struggling alot more, we just complained briefly and then went back to smiling and being happy, we didn't mope all day ect... And that is extremely unfair ,
Anyway bh we ended up moving far away from my in laws, they caused major fights and stress between us married kids
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 4:51 pm
amother wrote:
I don't believe in fair - my children each need something different now. And I'm happy with them knowing life isn't fair.


Everyone getting something different is not unfair. Giving each one precisely what they need is the very definition of fair. If one child needs therapy am I going to give everyone to be fair? If one child is having a birthday, do I buy everyone a gift to be fair? Making things even is not what fair is.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2017, 5:06 pm
So let me clarify my question.

It seems like some of you are hung up on the exactness of the fairness. I don't mean it in that way, like the poster whose parents buy the exact same stretchy. That's beyond ridiculous!

I also don't mean it when it's obvious that someone is in dire need, like a single mother with a special needs child who is working 60+ hour weeks and barely covering her rent, because then it's tzedaka and frankly, whoever knows of her situation should be helping her whether related or not.

I'm talking about regular giving that parents usually like to do for their children, examples are in my OP. None of the children are in obvious need, but they all, to some degree or another have needs. None of the children are wealthy.

One answer I got here made sense that children who do more their parents might get more. But maybe it's the opposite? Because that child gets more s/he feels more obligated making it a cycle of favoritism.

I'll give you an example:
One son is in kollel. No support from the other side. His wife works hard, but there's no choice. He is staying in kollel. Every month they dip into her savings in order to survive. Another son started out in kollel but when he saw how hard his wife was working and they were simply not making it chose to go to work. Who is needier? Do you think it's ok to help the kollel son more (giving money, buying stuff for them) when really he should be stepping up to the plate?

Another example:
Two daughters are pregnant. One is pregnant with her first, and another with her 4th in 5 years. The latter is by choice having a lot of kids close together against the advice of her mother. ( Rolling Eyes yeah, I know...) Both of them have a hard time during pregnancy and want help from their mother (invitations, sending over a younger sister, etc.). Do you think it's ok to help the one who is pregnant with her 4th because she's needier when really if she can't manage her life without help she should be taking a break?

Another example:
A daughter is married many years but loves to still go to her parents for Yom Tov. A son is married way fewer years and also wants to go to his parents for Yom Tov. The daughter can't go to her in-laws anymore because there are many other younger couples, the son can go to his in-laws because there aren't many younger than him. Do you think it's ok to help the daughter because she's needier when really she should be staying home for Yom Tov and giving others the chance she already had?

Another example:
Two daughters want to go on vacation. One has five children, and one has two. Mom has a policy of no overnight babysitting because it's too much for her, so the one with five children has never before gone on vacation. She simply didn't have where to leave her children. Now the one with two children has her husband call, and mom doesn't want to say no to her SIL.
Do you think it's ok that she babysits them?


Now take all of these examples together and imagine that in each case it's the same child who gets the help or the same one who doesn't get the help. Does it matter? Or is the mother just better off not helping anyone?
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