How to build attachment with very difficult children

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Rose

Sat, Apr 08 2017, 8:57 pm

My child is extreamly difficult in many ways and it is hard not to get angry at her/have her behavior affect our attachment. Sometimes she is very hard to love. Sometimes I imagine what life would be like without her. Help! Difficult children need love the most, but it is so hard! Any pointers or books would be appreciated.

amother

Green

Sat, Apr 08 2017, 9:01 pm

This doesn't answer your question but it's something I think about often. I feel that my difficult child is difficult BECAUSE I didn't build a secure attachment from the beginning. (Through no fault of my own.- difficult pregnancy and labor, sick after birth , child had medical issues that made communication and attachment difficult etc) . Do you find this to be the case in your experience?

I'm following , would love to read responses to your question.

imasinger

Sat, Apr 08 2017, 9:07 pm

Google "Nurtured Heart Approach.". Buy and read the book. It really makes a huge difference.

amother

Plum

Sat, Apr 08 2017, 9:41 pm

Connecting to the child's difficulties makes it much easier to deal with.
Is it his fault that Hashem created him without a voice and he can't talk?
Wld u be upset at a person in a wheelchair for not being able to walk up the stairs??
This is the same that is happening with these poor kids. They are struggling much more than us.
It does not take away the hardships, but makes it easier to not kill the child's self esteem in the process.

Good luck for these hectic days. I'm also at my wits end with mine!!

amother

Seafoam

Sat, Apr 08 2017, 10:27 pm

Following. Sometimes I reframe the age. When I am dressing him (he is 6) and he is acting silly and stalling etc. .I think. What if he were two? It really shifts things for me. Cuz if he were two I would be much more forgiving. ..

amother

Teal

Sat, Apr 08 2017, 10:47 pm

Op every difficult child has something they shine in. No matter how difficult. Think about that beautiful thing and say it to them again and again. Help them shine in the area they are best at. Look away at the difficult.

Op how old is this child? Hug and kiss her often speak softly with a lot of love. And constantly be positive with her. Positivity breaks a lot of tension and breaks through to difficulty. Be the positive energy they will eventually pick up on it. Look for something positive and build on it.

Can you tell us what are the most difficult stuff? What is the thing that puts you in this negative mind frame?

I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm trying to see what it it that is difficult. As a mother with a difficult child I understand you and I have felt this way with enormous anger and wishing he were not my child. Bh he has gotten a lot of help and is doing much better he still has difficulties but I try to think of his positive and I also lose it and I do remember that he's a difficult child and it's a challenge no matter what.

Hashem gave this ti me. The interesting thing is you would never know from seeing him. He looks like every child but struggles with language and ADHD severely. Affects so many things.

The more I understand his difficulties. And work around them the better we are. There are a lot we still have to work on.

momtra

Sat, Apr 08 2017, 10:54 pm

The five love languages of love by Gary chapman. It gave me very good guidance when I was dealing with something similar

amother

Sienna

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 3:26 am

I have a very difficult child. I have many times imagined what the family would be like without him, or what if their could be a service to raise him to be a mensch for me. I worry whether he will be able to be a good husband one day, with all that he enjoys bothering other kids. His siblings, grandparents, neighbors, and friends get frustrated with him quite often.

And with all that I do have a close relationship with him. I make private time with him every day where we read together, or walk and talk, or bake. I spend time with him every night at bedtime, even though we have a large family. He says cute and clever things, and also shows affection to me. I also celebrate every minor positive thing he does. Right now he is way more difficult than enjoyable, but I daven that the ratio will reverse.

Hang in there!

amother

Cerise

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 6:33 am

amother wrote:

I could have written most of this post. The things we do to connect are different, but apart from that, this is DS 9 and I. Davka we have very similar personalities and I 'get' him even as I despair. I try my best to enjoy his strengths, to channel his energies for good, while firmly responding to the (many and extreme) unacceptable behaviours.

I daven that he will grow into a mensch and these struggles will be only a memory.

sneakermom

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 9:17 am

Spend alone time with the child every day. Play a game, read a story, go for a walk etc. This will give you an opportunity to get close.

Spend a minute every day thinking of only the positive aspects of this child.

Purge your negative thoughts into paper and then rip it up.

Remember that many many kids have issues and they can feel permanent and insurmountable. But it's also very common, that with proper intervention and Hashem's help a child can really mature, grow and get better.

Practice acceptance. Instead of rejecting this nisayon. Just accept that this was Hashem's will. Once your brain moves past the stage of, why me?, the brain can move into problem solving mode figuring out the best way to handle the situation.

If the unaccepting feelings are overwhelming (it's only normal to have them). Try writing them out and purging them that way. Or see a therapist. It can take the load off your chest.

Wishing you bracha v'hatzlacha!

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 9:30 am

I really like the idea of spending special time with the child. It definitely creates a bond. Another thing I was thinking is to try to find something you both love and do it together. My son loves books, science and history. So do I. So I take out a ton of books from the library on fish, animals, George Washington etc. And I read to him. It is our special something and is very easy for me to get into the zone with him on that.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 1:51 pm

Really, having been a difficult child myself, I'd say the key things are making sure that your child is getting appropriate therapy (speech, PT/OT, and especially with a trained psychologist) and that you are being guided by a professional in how to parent him/her (trained psychologist for example). Difficult kids know that you find them difficult, and it is hard for them to deal with. This is what really made the biggest difference.

amother

Rose

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 3:51 pm

OP here. She is in therapy three times a week, and to travel there and back adds up to roughly 6 hours a week I am exclusively with her. Then I come home tired. I have other children and don't think it is fair to them to be spending even more alone time with this difficult child. This is not a "love language" problem, it is just that she is messed up in the head and out of control. And I feel so guilty using such strong words to describe my child, but sometimes it just so hard to like her. Nebach on her, her own mother doesn't even like her. I am a horrible person.

amother

Denim

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 4:52 pm

Have you tried medication? It can make a HUGE difference

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 4:56 pm

amother wrote:

Can you hug her?

amother

Teal

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 8:54 pm

op I totally get how you feel.

dont go the route where you say. "I am a horrible person". that is destructive. I understand thast you are in pain. she is not what you envisioned. your frustrated. you spend so much time with her. do you see any improvements?

has she had a full neuropsychological eval? what is she in therapy for? is that helping? so many questions. I am just trying to help. please dont think negatively of yourself. I know how it feels to be in your shoes. I have a difficult child. that I thought would never see anything from. was worried if he will be a decent dh. gave me so much embarrassement. its hard to describe. so I know why your feeling this way. but dont hold it in. can you express yourself to your dh how despondent you feel? does it help? does therapy for you help? maybe you need someone to help you at home after spending so much time with your kids. im just throwing it out. because after dealing with a difficult child the last thing you want to do is deal with more kids.

give yourself breaks. an understatement. realize that the feeling of inadequacy on your part is because of issues your child has that is not reflective of you. this child is taking everythying you have got.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Apr 13 2017, 7:33 am

amother wrote:

Sounds like you are getting her all the help she can get, which is great!

But you also need to get help for yourself - therapy for yourself and/or professional guidance in dealing with her. I'm the poster above who was a difficult child. If my mother hadn't gotten help for herself, I'm sure I wouldn't have anything to do with her today. As it is, she waited too long to get help for herself and our relationship leaves much to be desired. . .

amother

Lime

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 4:58 pm

I have a 16 year old daughter and I have similar feelings. From a traumatic pregnancy and birth until today, our relationship has been so strained. I look at her and don't relate to her as I do my other children. I feel detached from her in a weird way as if she isn't really my daughter.

I have put so much effort into medical treatments, therapies and special education over the years that I am just burnt out. She still has many issues that give me so much torment although I do love her. I think it is impossible not to love someone you have given your life to. Giving and chessed is the foundation of love. Most of the time I don't like her a whole lot because she gives me so much trouble and heartache. No one said you have to like your children or their personalities. Definitely not their bad behavior. Most of the time, you can find some endearing qualities to like but when you have children who are really selfish or ungrateful, it is a challenge. Other times I am really proud of her and how far she has come and I try to look at her through someone else's eyes who don't see the negative and can therefore appreciate the positive of her without the bias I have.

This is how I see it: Hashem gives us our particular children because we need the individual tests they provide. To have been given her means I have a lot to work on Smile

So, I give a lot of care, effort and energy into raising her and I get back a lot of heartache but I believe I am still getting what I need to improve the middot in myself that need the work which only she can provide. I need to keep giving and not worry about getting from her because my soul will be getting what tikkun it needs and someday I will understand, appreciate and be grateful to Hashem for this child in the way I need to now but I cannot yet as it is a work in progress. I have to say that I am proud of the mother I have become because of her. She has tested me in many ways and in the ones I have passed and grown from, I can say I need her just as much as she needs me. I think I am an awesome mom! Mothers who don't have this situation can't understand. I have another daughter with the opposite qualities and it is so easy to love and like her. My heart bursts with joy and pride the moment I see her. Sometimes I feel guilty at the lack of those feelings for my other daughter. The difficult children are incomparable because you don't get nachas right away yet you still have continue to show them love and acceptance. They remind you of the ugly parts of yourself and no one likes to be shown that in a mirror.

These children are gifts which are entrusted to us for a short time in the scheme of life. We can't spend our lives running away from our challenges and wishing them away. Hashem knows how hard it is for us. We just have to try our best. Don't worry about what this child makes you feel like embarrassment to the family or lack of nachas now. Just continue doing the best under the circumstances and remind yourself that Hashem must really think highly of you to entrusted you with so difficult a job!

Sparkle

Tue, Apr 18 2017, 11:41 pm

I do many things, but something that I do when a child is being REALLY difficult is to go into my child's room when he's sleeping and just look at his innocent, calm face (which he does not have during the day, lol!) and really focus on accessing the love I have for him and I just allow myself to connect to that feeling for a few minutes. Warning: You may find yourself tearing up a bit when you do this.

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