Aggressive child!!! Please help me!!

esther36

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 6:16 pm

I'm at my wit's end!! Took my kids shopping today. Told them before what they can choose from... My five almost six year old son had a complete meltdown. He was hitting me, kicking me and screeching and crying in the store. I was mortified! Problem is that whenever he doesn't get his way he becomes extremely aggressive. In school hes an angel and his Rebbe and teachers love him. He only is out of control with me and my husband! We have rules and he knows what we expect from him, so that's why I have no clue what to do with him now. I punished him when we came home but he kept telling me that I started up!!!! He thought if I didn't buy him what he wanted then I'm at fault and I started a fight?!?! I'm at a total loss and am completely drained! Anyone experience anything like this?!?!

ValleyMom

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 6:51 pm

I have a few suggestions as I am a teacher of 6 year old boys.

Rule number one:
Always be extremely clear and explicit with what is happening.
Children need very clear boundaries.

"We are going to the supermarket. I need to buy
laundry detergent
eggs
apples
2 cans of baked beans
and breakfast cereal- YOU can choose one breakfast cereal and these are your choices
<have>
honey nut cheerios
chex mix
kix

Ask him to choose the cereal BEFORE you leave.
REPEATEDLY remind him that he has committed to _________ cereal.
In the car remind him that this is the cereal he committed to buy.
Have him locate the cereal on the shelf and put it in the cart.
Go pay and leave immediately

What happens IF he has a temper?
Abandon the shopping cart and proceed directly to the car.

As you are walking remind him why we are leaving.
"We are leaving because you did not keep your commitment.
We had committed to buying _____ cereal and you did not keep your commitment."

keep using the term "commitment" we need to keep our commitment.
This takes YOU out of his arguing and bullying and makes it more about the object.

I hope I was helpful.

ValleyMom

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 6:53 pm

<have>
was supposed to read have pictures of the cereals that you can print off the internet so he knows VISUALLY what cereal he is choosing.
Sometimes they confuse the names of the cereal...

anonymrs

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 7:40 pm

Hugs! It's so stressful to find yourself iin that situation.

If it was my child, I would overhaul my entire parenting style. Have you looked into The Nurtured Heart Approach? 1-2-3 Magic? Both great programs.

All the best!

amother

Olive

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 10:32 pm

I have a son like this. It is partially developmental, most kids go through a stage at about 6 where they test authority and rules.

We are having success with this sort of conversation:
me: ok, lets get in PJs
him: NO
me: no? What bothers you about that?
him: I like to be in clothing at dinner
me: oh. what bothers me about being in clothes at dinner is that you get more tired the later it gets, and it is very hard to behave when people are tired
him: oh. well can we do part of the bedtime routine now so that after dinner there won't be much to do and I can go straight to bed?
me: that's a great solution! That takes care of my concern--cooperating with the bedtime routine, and your concern--wearing clothing at dinner--and makes both of us happy! Great job thinking of that solution!

and

me: it is going to be time for a bath in a few minutes
him: NO! (hitting, screaming, hiding)
me: that makes you very upset! What's the problem?
him: I am in the middle of playing with my silly putty!
me: ok, how about this? I will set the timer and when it beeps you will listen and come right away. This is the sort of arangement where if you aren't able to listen when the beeper goes off, I'll know you can't do manage this sort of compromise
him: ok!

We also have a rule that cannot be broken, ever, and that is violence. The second there is hitting, there is an immediate punishment (going to this room for 5 seconds and I hold the door closed if he tries to run out). Then I say, "are you ready to behave now, or do you feel like you need to have a calm discussion about what happened?" Often, he wants to talk about how angry he was and how impossible it feels to control his violence. I validate him and reiterate that the feeling of anger or jealousy is always ok, but the behavior of hurting is never ok. We discuss appropriate ways to deal with the unpleasant feeling. It is especially good if you can get your son to agree about this, ex:

me: when you are angry, how do you calm down?
him: I don't. I just cry and hit.
me: but you are not crying now. How did it stop?
him: well, usually you give me chocolate milk and I go under a blanket
me: wow, so chocolate milk can be our magic calming down trick! You know what? No one likes to feel like they can't calm down and are stuck angry. I am going to keep a cup of chocolate milk read on the bottom shelf in the fridge. Whenever you feel like you need it, go and get it. You don't have to ask, it will be there for you.

This teaches the kid to take responsibility for their behavior, develip a desire for self control, and facilitate their improvement without yelling and reprimanding.

Another trick--
me: it's so sad that you are stuck angry the whole day. What if you decide to just be happy?
him: I can't! If you don't let me do something then you mess up my whole day and I have the worst day ever!
me: worst day ever! Oy! I don't want you do have those! But sometimes things aren't good for you and I have to teach you to have appropriate behavior. What if you decide on an amount of time you'd like to be angry, I'll set a timer, and when it beeps, we'll do a different activitiy?
him: I'll want to be angry for a very long time
me: ok. so set the time for the longest time (an hour). For now, thats how you feel. If you eer want to make the timer go off sooner, you can choose that

another--
him: I won't eat because I am angry at you and you made this food
me: ok.
him: I'm hungry!
me: oy. you feel so stuck! You are angry, but you made a rule you won't eat the food I made, but you're hungry, but you made a rule you can't eat...wow, sounds like we are stuck going around and around in a circle! (we call this circle thinking, and discuss it often) How will you get out?
him: Can I have bread from the store that you didn't make?
me: sure. and because you made up this rule, you can decide to stop it if you feel like it isn't worth it to hold on to this anger anymore. It is up to you and I am not pressuring you.

I am not taking responsibility for his behavior. I am not controlling him. I am not yelling at him. I am not embarrassing him. I am teaching him skills to want to improve his self control FOR HIS OWN GOOD, not mine. Remember to be compassionate because he is feeling a lot more terrible than you are. You are the adult, he is the child, model appropriate discussions and solutions. (I know, easier said than done).

My son is also in therapy for past abuse, so a lot of these ideas were from his therapist.

ckk

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 10:41 pm

amother wrote:

I love love love this approach. Is there a book or cd that explains it?

esther36

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 10:44 pm

Thank you for ur advice.
Valley mom- I actually was quite specific before we went into the store. I told each of my children that they can choose four treats to be used on a trip on a trip we r taking. Each of my children did just that besides this son! He chose 8 things and had a complete meltdown in the store when I laid them out for him and explained again to him that everyone can choose four and he needs to make a decision.... He couldn't handle that!

esther36

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 10:45 pm

Anonymrs I actually tried magic1,2,3 in my home and it wasn't working. I actually use a lot of Supernanny techniques and they r very good.

TwinsMommy

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 11:16 pm

ckk--- part of olive's approach is very similar to Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child". I'm sure she can elaborate more, but that's a great book with which to start.

I find it interesting that he's completely different at school and at home. My kids with special needs are the same at school and at home. So I wonder if the function of a lot of his behavior is attention from you (going for negative attention, but if you pile on the positive attention when he's not in a meltdown it might be helpful).

When he's melting down in the store, what happens if you just quietly move away from him to another aisle? Does he still kick/scream/hit/bite/etc? Have you ever praised siblings out loud at that point? I like how Shira is behaving so nicely... Moishy is walking so quietly. Not mentioning him negatively, just pointing out the positive in his siblings' behaviors at the moment. Works for some kids. NOT mine. Smile

amother

Plum

Sun, Apr 23 2017, 11:35 pm

It's actually quite common for kids to hold themselves together in school and meltdown only at home. For typical kids, the embarrassment factor is enough for them to expend the extra energy into containing themselves when they're around their peers and teachers.

I would definitely recommend reading the explosive child. It's an easy read with a very straightforward approach that allows kids to develop flexible thinking- not just having the parent impose a behavior system. And it works. The book addresses aggressive behavior as well.

Remember that your child is missing a skill. If he couldn't read you would teach him. If he couldn't swim you would teach him. If he couldn't get dressed independently you would teach him. Right now, he needs you to teach him flexible thinking.

amother

Olive

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 7:41 am

ckk wrote:

I love love love this approach. Is there a book or cd that explains it?

I'm sorry, not really. It is sort of similar to the explosive child, that book helped a lot. But it is more than that.
Child want to be good: The basic premise is believing the child wants to be good but doesn't know how, and that your job is to facilitate their skills, not reward/punish.

Reward is self control: Yes, not reward either. The reward itself is having self control and feeling good that they can navigate their feelings. There are times we have done short term sticker charts for a specific goal, but that is once in a blue moon for something he doesn't have any awareness of, not an ongoing issue.
One of the problems with rewards and over-praising is that they start to only be motivated by it. If they aren't going to get something, why should they have self-control? Also, after a very hard session of getting to self control, if you praise, it diminishes their dignity (the unspoken message is "you were so wrong just now. Thank G-d you got out of it!!!) You need to allow them to save face--they did it, it was hard, they feel good, and don't need you to rub it in their face that you knew better.

Treat child with respect: You treat them with the respect you would give an immigrant without language. There is nothing wrong with the child's brain--this is how Hashem created them. Fortunately, they are not stuck "without language," they want to learn it and need you to do that in a calm, patient way that leaves them with dignity.

Explaining rules: According to my child's therapist, having kids listen "just because I said so and I am your mommy" is very unrealistic for children. If you believe that they can think and understand, why not explain it to them? If there is no reason, why are you insisting? All rules should be able to be explained clearly in a way the child can understand that it is for HIS benefit, because that is the number one motivator.

This is a safe house: The "yaharog v'lo yaavor" rule is NO VIOLENCE. One a child has to differentiate between hard hits that make people cry, and little hits that their sibling ignores, they won't understand that all violence is bad. The second a child hits they get punished in a small, reasonable, age appropriate manor. The point of the punishment is not to "make them think about what they did," that is unrealistic for an angry 6 year old. The point is to bring an end to the violence and show that this is never ok. This is the precursor for discussions about feelings and appropriate ways to manage them.

Discussions: Whenever possible, especially after a big meltdown, it is important to have a discussion. Pretend your child is ten years older, if that helps, and talk to them with a lot of patience and respect. Try to really understand their problem, voice your concern, and try to get HIM to come up with a better solution. If he can't, you can suggest your own, but it always works better if he can get to the logic himself.

Attention and attachment: The foundation of all of this is the relationship. No parenting technique is going to work if you don't have a strong foundation of trust, respect, love, stability, and time together. Your child must feel that you are there for him and love him no matter how awful he can be. This is developed in a DIR style context, through "home play therapy." You play games with him making eye contact, being part of his ideas in the game, letting him lead the game instead of you forcing your ideas on him. You are the follower. Many times, the games they play will be about something disturbing happening in their life, just with animals or cars. This is why it is so important to listen to the story line and see where his thoughts bring him. Never stop a game if the characters are unsafe or scared; always help him get the characters to resolution. This way, the game is not about fun, it is about learning to navigate the world with you as his facilitator of strength.

Sometimes it looks like there is no end in site. I've been there, believe me, many times. There were days my son wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire day (!!) in protest of me not allowing him to have something he wanted. We've had more than our share of embarrassing public meltdowns. It can be very hard to keep your composure and not turn into a raging lunatic yourself! The behavior is partially age appropriate--most year olds test the boundaries, but kids with more difficult natures and kids with other issues go through this stage in a much more intense way. They don't want SOME control, they want ALL of it. With persistence and patience, it will get better!

That's the gist of this method and it turned my crazy dysfunctional traumatized child into a sweet, thoughtful, respectful one. He still has meltdowns, but he is on board with the tools we use to get out of them, he wants to improve, and feels that I am his number one support/advocate.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 7:52 am

Olive- please reveal yourself. Please don't be anonymous.

Who are you???

You are soooooo good!

esther36

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:39 am

Thank u olive! I feel like u really understand the issue at hand and I will incorporate some of the ideas u suggested. Thanks!!!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 11:57 am

Olive amother, I am in pure awe of you! You are an incredible woman, and I am so thankful that you took the time to write up such clear and detailed situations. Your explanations are perfect! You come across as a professional writer (maybe you are?)

Hashem obviously placed this child in your care, knowing that you would be the perfect parent for him, as he went though his difficult situation. May you both go from strength to strength.

It sounds to me like a lot of the techniques you are using are from "Parenting with Love and Logic", which has done wonders for me and my DD. Are there any other books you could suggest?

PassionFruit

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 12:37 pm

amother wrote:

Olive- please reveal yourself. Please don't be anonymous.

Who are you???

You are soooooo good!

Thank you...I went anonymous because my mother and mother in law are on this site...but what the heck