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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Do you wait for thank you cards?
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:01 pm
Spinning off another thread:

Do you wait for a thank you card when you give a wedding, baby, bar mitzvah, etc. gift? How much does it bother you if you never receive a thank you card and at what point does that lack of card bother you? If the recipient thanks you in person or over the phone, does it count?

Personally, I don't think I'd realize if I'd never gotten a thank you card. But generally the gifts I've given have been acknowledged not necessarily by mail.
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:06 pm
Don't care. Don't notice unless the recipients are unusually quick to send a thank you note.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:06 pm
tigerwife wrote:
Spinning off another thread:

Do you wait for a thank you card when you give a wedding, baby, bar mitzvah, etc. gift? How much does it bother you if you never receive a thank you card and at what point does that lack of card bother you? If the recipient thanks you in person or over the phone, does it count?

Personally, I don't think I'd realize if I'd never gotten a thank you card. But generally the gifts I've given have been acknowledged not necessarily by mail.


I dont wait for the card, but after a long time I may notice I never received them. I generally dont give a second gift of the first wasn't acknowledged by mail.

If I can go shopping, wrap, and deliver a gift, then the receipient can write a thank you card. Obviously, if I give presents because of some need then no thanks are necessary.
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momofone613




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:10 pm
I don't care if I don't get one, don't even notice! But I always think it's sweet if they do! Smile
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:15 pm
Yes I do but I don't hold my breath. Etiquette education has gotten so bad that now I'm surprised and impressed to get any acknowledgement at all, let alone a bona fide thank you note saying all the right things.

Ladies who don't educate your kids to write TY notes, you are not only doing society a disservice but you are also depriving yourself of a source of real nachas. Nothing beats hearing from a friend or neighbor "your dc sent me such a beautiful thank you note!"
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mommish613




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:17 pm
I don't wait for them for the most part but...

Definately get a little ticked off if I gave someone an expensive gift and got no acknowledgment.

I also think it's a parents job to make sure their son or daughter sends. out cards for their bar or bat mitzvah and yes if you had the time to cash the check you have the time to write a note.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:18 pm
zaq wrote:
Yes I do but I don't hold my breath. Etiquette education has gotten so bad that now I'm surprised and impressed to get any acknowledgement at all, let alone a bona fide thank you note saying all the right things.

Ladies who don't educate your kids to write TY notes, you are not only doing society a disservice but you are also depriving yourself of a source of real nachas. Nothing beats hearing from a friend or neighbor "your dc sent me such a beautiful thank you note!"


This^. The traditional wedding gift for the first year is paper. I often think of sending newlyweds who fail to send thank you notes a copy of Emily Post for their first anniversary.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:22 pm
I don't wait or expect thank you cards. But I generally give cheap ish gifts in accordance with our budget. If I was giving a $50 gift I would probably expect it more.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:27 pm
I don't usually remember to notice. But sometimes when I get one and it has been a very long time (almost a year) I wonder what took them so long.
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:40 pm
I like getting the thank you - not so much that I need to be thanked but that I know they actually got the gift vs lost in mail or stolen from wedding hall, etc.
I'm certainly not counting the days until it arrives in my mailbox.
I was very upset after my wedding when my MIL called 3x per week with updates on all her angry relatives who didn't get their thank you cards yet. We're talking 2-6 weeks after the wedding here (doesn't Miss Manners say you have a year??) when we (well, I - DH didn't write any) had hundreds of cards to write and had been away in Israel for 3 weeks right after the wedding. Some people really need to chill.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:44 pm
I don't sit around waiting for them like by checking my mailbox every day or keeping a spreadsheet or something, but I do notice if it never happens. If it was a baby gift, I'm much more understanding, I don't expect exhausted new parents to get around to it before 6 months at least. But newlyweds really don't have an excuse (unless they're moving cross country or internationally or something). If a card suddenly shows up a year later, I assume it was one of those situations where it got lost in a pile of stuff and then suddenly turned up.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:44 pm
Actually, no, MissManners does NOT say you have a year.She says this is a myth, that notes should be sent ASAP and a year is way too long.
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 9:58 pm
Actually newlyweds do have excuses, and I was extremely upset when my mother called to tell me her friends called her to ask where their thank you notes were. I think that is even more rude and inappropriate.
I was dealing with a very difficult shana rishona, full of ptsd, depression, difficult in laws, a sudden move, and a very serious illness during pregnancy all at the same time.
So yeah, sorry if you got no thank you card, but we were trying to survive day to day, not think about gifts.
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LittleDucky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 10:14 pm
I almost always send them ASAP so I don't forget. I sent out cards as we got them even before we were married (engagement gifts or early senders). Not religious got priority after when we got a bunch at once. (When kids are too young to write for birthday gifts I wrote them as well).
But I did get a call when someone gave me a baby gift and they didn't get the card... And I sent it! (She said she was afraid we didn't get it 😉). Apparently there is a whole mess of people who likely didn't get theirs if she didn't... I feel bad but nothing I could do! I didn't remember whose cards were in that batch!

I don't wait up for them but I know I don't always get them back and when I do I am dismayed that they obviously copied and pasted a general card for everyone. Not even a one line specifying what gift I gave......
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 11:13 pm
Squishy wrote:
I dont wait for the card, but after a long time I may notice I never received them. I generally dont give a second gift of the first wasn't acknowledged by mail.

If I can go shopping, wrap, and deliver a gift, then the receipient can write a thank you card. Obviously, if I give presents because of some need then no thanks are necessary.


And what if they called you to tell you thank you? Is that not good enough?

Don't ever buy me a gift. I don't do thank you cards. I say thank you in person or over the phone.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 11:17 pm
And in response to op. Don't notice, don't care. I enjoy giving gifts because I like giving gifts. Not because I need their silly thank you card with a poem that doesn't even rhyme.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 11:19 pm
amother wrote:
Actually newlyweds do have excuses, and I was extremely upset when my mother called to tell me her friends called her to ask where their thank you notes were. I think that is even more rude and inappropriate.
I was dealing with a very difficult shana rishona, full of ptsd, depression, difficult in laws, a sudden move, and a very serious illness during pregnancy all at the same time.
So yeah, sorry if you got no thank you card, but we were trying to survive day to day, not think about gifts.


Maybe, but all this didn't happen during the week of Sheva bruchus did it? You weren't pregnant before the wedding were you? You could have written your notes that week and the next. I assume you got some gifts before the wedding. You could have done what another poster did and start writing notes before the wedding for gifts you got then. If thanking gift givers had been a priority for you you could have had them all done long before all the difficulties of shana rishona came crashing down on your head.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 11:21 pm
amother wrote:
Maybe, but all this didn't happen during the week of Sheva bruchus did it? You weren't pregnant before the wedding were you? You could have written your notes that week and the next. I assume you got some gifts before the wedding. You could have done what another poster did and start writing notes before the wedding for gifts you got then. If thanking gift givers had been a priority for you you could have had them all done long before all the difficulties of shana rishona came crashing down on your head.


Well said. I hate this "shana rishona" cop out.

People gave you gifts, you write them thank you cards, end of story.

To answer the original question, I don't wait for them but I certainly notice when people don't send, or send generic print outs which also don't count imo.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 11:24 pm
If a gift was acknowledged in person, a note is superfluous.

I don't keep track, exactly, but we do seem to get a TY note shortly after each simcha, so the practice has not completely died out.

If someone sends something other than a check (which can be tracked when cashed), the note serves as confirmation​ that the gift was received. It can be awkward for the giver to inquire and check, but even worse if the gift was misdirected or lost. Best just to write your notes in a timely fashion.
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 11:52 pm
Ummm I had a super short engagement , and no I did not get gifts beforehand , so I can't write cards before the wedding.
The issues began the day after Sheva brachos ended actually.
It's not a cop out, it's valid.
The week of Sheva brachos was a blur of exhaustion (my wedding ended at 3 am) , and I was sick for most of the week, but still had to dress up & act all happy and nice.
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