Would this be considered a teen at risk or OTD?

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 1:12 am

My ds 14 goes to a school where the boys have girlfriends and some smoke. We are more charedi than the school, but this type of school fits my son, in Israel it's complicated. Anyway, yesterday he told me that while he has been going out with his friends in the pesach break he has started also meeting up with girls too (with his friends). My husband and I are against gender mixing and my son knows this. He told me he wants to be religious but he does want a girl friend. Should I be really worried? Maybe get some help? Or is he doing what most normal teens do even though it's not our way?

amother

Olive

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 1:15 am

amother wrote:

If he was in a chareidi school where this wasn't normal I would be concerned but if he's in a school where everyone else has girlfriends why would he want to be different?

amother

Blonde

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 2:28 am

OP I understand your concern. I went through the same and am still in it......

Honestly from my experience I wouldn't call it it otd or a teen at risk but a different level of yiddishkeit. In our chareidy frum world it's unheard of and a big no no but not so for the modern orthodox I think. There it's accepted.

To ban him from doing it I wouldn't advise as he may just do it behind your back.
The first few times my ds went out with her he didn't tell me he was nervous of how I'd react. But now we are very open about it.

Good luck and strength to get used to it......wasnt easy.

amother

Orchid

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 3:12 am

amother wrote:

It's not your personal way but it's clearly the way of the school you're sending him to. Therefore he is being socially appropriate. Kudos for sending your kid to a school that's good for him, even if it's not what you and your dh ideally want.
It would be unfair to ban him from hanging out with girls if that's what his peers are doing, and you're also unlikely to be successful.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 3:41 am

Op here. Thank you so much for replying. You've put my mind at rest. I want to talk to him about shomer negiah, though not sure there's a point, it's just I know how one thing can easily lead to another..

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 3:45 am

My almost 14yo DD has her first boyfriend. shock

I feel your pain. All you can do is be there, listen, and talk about being responsible (both physically, and with other people's feelings.)

saw50st8

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 7:16 am

Burlywood, I highly recommend telling him that if he has a girl friend, he should bring her home. Get to know her and make sure to be a big presence in their lives.

grace413

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 7:25 am

Excellent that your son feels comfortable enough to tell you about this!

It's certainly the norm in the non-Charedi segment of religious society, even here in Israel.

My neighbors 20 year old son just got married to a girl he'd been going out with since they were 14.

Try to accept him for who he is.

MyUsername

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 2:11 pm

Definitely talk to him about shomer negiah. .. and s*x ed. Even if he does what he wants in the end, he should be given the knowledge to act responsibly. If you don't give him that knowledge, he won't get it elsewhere (or he;ll get an inaccurate version from his friends), and don't assume he knows it or he;ll find out himself. Without that knowledge, he won't act responsibly, but with that knowledge, there's a chance he will.

You can't imagine how many frum kids do stupid things because there parents thought there was no point in covering s*x ed or thought that it was way beyond what their kids would do. Please, please educate him. Even if he never has to use that knowledge, better safe than sorry with these things. And if he does come up against a situation of not being shomer negiah or even beyond that, he will stop and think twice because you said something to him.

MagentaYenta

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 2:29 pm

No real advice but to love him unconditionally, and educate him about, $ex, stds, drugs and contraception. And if that is your choice, get some factual information from reliable sources, don't just depend on scare tactics or guilting him into submission.

dancingqueen

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 2:36 pm

There are definitely MO parents who wouldnt love their 14 year old to have a significant other, 14 is young. But LW MO boys do grow up with friends who are girls, girls are their classmates, so they relate to girls in a different way in IMO. I do agree that basic respect for women and relations ed would be a good idea.

greenfire

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 2:24 pm

for whatever need this boy needed to be educated differently ... he still needs to be educated for the lifestyle that his schoolmates have

totally be open about zex, drugs & rock~n~roll ... make sure he knows where you stand regardless of knowledge & that is that it is always important to be a mentsch & that intimacy is always best when married

even adults have emotions unraveled when dealing with relationships - teens are all the more vulnerable

zohar

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 2:38 pm

I would suggest getting in touch with someone from the hanhalla and perhaps another parent you respect and ask for guidance. Explain your background and they you are ignorant when it comes to this issue. Ask if it's ok to hang out with girls in a group only, or if one on one dates are ok. What venues are appropriate. What other boundaries should you be making. Shomer negiah. I wouldn't trust a 14 year old to tell you what is accepted and what isn't.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 6:42 pm

Make sure that s-x education includes how to prevent pregnancy. You don't want ignorant teens showing up pregnant cv. They need to know so they can be responsible. Don't assume he won't have s-x just because he tells you he won't. He needs to know the direct correlation.