Family problems over pesach (new title)

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 12:00 pm

My mother needed help making pesach. Okay so I did EVERYTHING as she is ailing and aging. I also made sure that other relatives had what they needed like a new sippy cup, stuff I wouldn't actually eat, enough matzah, and so on and so forth.

One day my niece was disrespectful to my mother and I called her on it. She told her daddy and then they all banned the food. Not sure of the connection because she woke up my elderly mother bringing friends and kids into the house after hours. But then also started to be disrespectful to the kosher for passover house by letting her toddler run amok with not kosher stuff. This time my mother called her on it. Then I mentioned since I am old enough to be her mother and she is disrespectful to my mother I get to tell her to behave.

She then called me a crazy Jew with kosher bullschit controlling nazi. Like wow. How do you get so insulted to be that down and dirty. Mentioned we've always been Kosher for Pesach well before she was ever born. And along with some expletives, I told her to go back home. And she did. Now my brother and her are mad at me.

I feel so hurt by doing everything and being called a crazy Jew in the house I grew up in. My father would be rolling in his grave!!!!!!!!

33055

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 12:31 pm

amother wrote:

Your the good daughter who is over worked and followed the rules, but you don't get to step into your mother's place without being resented. You are still only a daughter, and there is a way to get your point across and keep shalom.

I totally get you as I was also the good daughter doing everything for my parents. My siblings never acknowledged what I did; although, all their spouses did. I had to learn to bite my tongue if I wanted my parents last years pleasant. They love their other children and grandchildren even when they are deeply flawed. Maybe Hashem does this because they need a parent's love more.

Do you realise how hurt and angry they were to use words to designed to cut you?

Next time try requests and getting their agreement rather than impossing your way. You are already doing almost everything; you can continue to do it and keep the peace.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 12:38 pm

Squishy wrote:

We don't know the dynamics here. And because we don't know, it can be harmful to tell OP to swallow everything to keep the peace. We don't know if OP is really trying to impose her way on everyone and therefore should introspect and try to change her interaction patterns, or if her relatives are verbally abusive and she should assert herself and insist on being treated respectfully and decently.

Keeping the peace is not always the goal. Sometimes we need to make sure to take care of ourselves and not be trampled on as a doormat. We don't know what the dynamics really are from the few details OP provided.

33055

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 1:43 pm

amother wrote:

She, was hardly swallowing everything. She scolded her neice for being disrespectful and OP was using expletives to do so.

"And along with some expletives, I told her to go back home. "

That sounds verbally abusive by OP. All I am saying is that instead of sending her mother's grandchildren home, which is why her siblings are angry with her, she can try reasoning with her neice, her mother, her siblings to keep the peace.

If anyone sent my kids home from someone else's house, I would be just as angry as her siblings.

She also said "(t)hen I mentioned .... I get to tell her to behave."

There is a big range between swallowing everything and stating you get to tell others how to behave.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 1:45 pm

Squishy wrote:

Thanks for responding - I missed that line. Yes, that does sound verbally abusive. And I'd go further and say it isn't even for keeping the peace, but just for basic human decency.

MiracleMama

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 4:16 pm

I don't understand the "banned all the food" part of your story, OP. What does that mean?

There are two separate things....
1. Respecting the kashrus in the house.
2. Child being disrespectful to your mother.

Regarding the kashrus, you should be able to gently, nicely talk to your brother and SIL about it. I get that a kid is running around with food, but sounds like she is very young. Deal with the parents. A kind, non-attacking request will usually be honored. If it's not, ask your mother to say something to them. You say she is ailing and aging - you don't say she's senile. So she can also advocate for herself a bit.

Regarding the niece being rude to your mother - I'd say you should stay out of it. Not your kid. Not your headache. Again, your mother can either say something or chose to ignore it. Since there is already friction in the family it sounds like, even from before this, just stay out of it. Just because you are old enough to be her mother doesn't give you the job.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm beating up on you. I think all the hard work you are putting into caring for your mother is very special and amazing and none of the above negates that at all.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 6:39 pm

Well I am guessing that it's hard to understand the situation without telling every detail.

I do know where I am wrong. The curse word. The end. I did apologize.

However, there are 4 generations. So niece is a disrespectful adult to an elderly woman, my mother. And is also lacking respect with her purposeful carelessness in not taking care of her toddler and letting him run amok with stuff that was not kosher for pesach. She was ignoring my mother, the kid's great-grandmother, in her respectful requests. That's where and when I told her to be "respectful" which is actually the word I used rather than "behave". (not sure if that makes any difference)

It was not until she called me and I quote "crazy Jew with kosher bullschit controlling nazi" that I reacted and called her one name along with the statement for her to go home if she is not willing to respect my mother's house.

And guess what, it is my job to tell her because I am the one taking care of my elderly mother and she was being disrespectful to put it mildly. My mother didn't feel well and was shaking. It wasn't enough that she was ignoring her kid and I was taking care of him too. From making him milk and breakfast to putting him in for a nap so that she is not overwhelmed.

Why am I the one out of 8 children taking care of her? Everybody else thinks things just happen by magic.

The ban was on the food. They stopped eating. I really don't know why. Maybe because there was a promise to pitch in monetarily. They figured if they ate treif outside they could forego their share.

Guess what? I can't take care of an eighty something year old and a 2 year old. Not to mention the emotional needs of my own family unit. It's impossible!!!!!!!!