Moving only because my husband wants to

amother

Mustard

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 8:01 am

Has anyone moved only because their husband wanted to? I find that everything is perfect here. My daughter, who is in second grade, goes to a great school that's only 4 blocks away. I have stores all around me that I can just walk to. My husband wants to move outside of New York to a suburban neighborhood where everything is at least a 10-15 minute drive away. He hates our current community because it's very transient and all of his friends have moved away. However, he has made no effort to make new friends. Yet, I have made major efforts for my husband going back and forth looking at houses, looking at schools. We can't afford a house where we currently are but I am comfortable here. I feel like he is being selfish making my daughter and myself give up our lives here. My daughter has friends here and she loves her school. I have a whole group of friends here as well and my husband refuses to even try to make an effort be friends with their husbands. He judges them right off the bat saying that they are not for him, that they are not his type. He hasn't even tried to make this community work for him, yet my daughter and I are required to uproot our lives because he refuses to make an effort here. All the effort seems to be on my part, moving and doing all this for him. I'm worried that if we move, I'm just going to resent him, if I don't already do.

saw50st8

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 8:39 am

This is a really hard situation. If your spouse is miserable, I think you need to entertain the idea, even if you don't end up moving. Look at different communities and schools and see if you can find one that works for all of you.

You don't have to commit to anything. I would agree to do some research, maybe visit some communities for shabbos etc. If you find something that would work for everyone, you can really hash out whether or not to move.

Being in a transient community is really hard. Friends of mine moved from Riverdale and spoke about how frustrating it was that every 6 months their friends were moving out. Your husband might be burnt out from starting friendships.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 8:43 am

can you make a compromise and move someplace where some things are closer like Passaic/Clifton? Depending where you live there you can walk to a supermarket, to school etc... I don't know your hashkafa so don't know if that would work for you? We ended up leaving there because it was a good fit for us but I think someplace like that that's in between New York and Out of Town might work for you?

MiracleMama

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 9:03 am

There is no guarantee he will be happier wherever you move to.

There is also no guarantee you will be unhappy wherever you move to.

It's immature to just dig in your heals and say your not moving when your husband is unhappy. Likewise it's immature for him to want to move for his own social reasons and not take anyone else's feelings, as well as other issues, into consideration.

Make some time for the two of you to talk calmly and open-mindedly about the options that are feasible in terms of cost of living/ job availability/ quality of schools/ feel of the Jewish community at large, etc. Weigh the pros and cons of each community - including that one you're already in. If you can come up with one or two new places that might work for you, arrange to spend a shabbos or two there, then discuss again. No need for rash decisions.

Edited to add: A depressed husband does not make for a happy home life. If he is genuinely miserable it will greatly benefit you and your child(ren) in the end to find a place where you all can feel good.

amother

Red

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 9:28 am

I started the "Depressed in the Suburbs" thread the other day. I understand your husband. It's really hard to be miserable where you live and not something to take lightly. That doesn't mean you should pick up and move, but yes, you owe him consideration and not just "well, majority rules". And how happy will you and your daughter really be in the long run if he is so miserable? I don't know what a compromise can look like in your particular situation. I agree that if he really wants moving to happen, he needs to put in more effort. He should be doing the research and looking into ways to compromise since he's the one asking to rock the boat. But you do need to have a discussion and figure out a real compromise. His issues are very real and absolutely should be considered as an important factor in whatever decision you come to.

amother

Silver

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 12:07 pm

We have a similar issue and are meeting with a therapist to talk it out since we can't seem to talk it out productively on our own. I want my husband to be happy and know that his feelings matter to me but I also need him to be realistic about what moving would actually mean for us. Hopefully we will be able to find an answer that makes us both happy and you will too!