Pressure from school to do something counterproductive

imasinger

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 6:54 am

OP, you are describing the school as a "they," but in these matters, it is often one person who is behind such a push.

Do you know who that person is? When did you last sit down with him? Chayalle's idea is a very good one; to set up a time frame to try your system. A face to face meeting will help.

Let me try to imagine what might be behind their pushing so hard, so that you can best prepare for the discussion.

I suspect that this person's perspective would be that you were informed of DS having problems a while ago, so you "should have" set up such a father son system then, and the fact that DS is still floundering is evidence that he will only succeed with help outside the family.

You will need to help him (the pushy guy) understand why it has taken a while for you as a family to reach this solution, and why he should give it some time.

You may also need to explain how resistant your DS is to tutoring, and your deep concern that forcing him will backfire.

Since it is so late in the school year, you would do well to show that you understand that if your strategy doesn't work, there may not be enough time in the school year left afterwards for a tutor to make a difference, and that either a summer makeup learning arrangement or a different school may be the consequence.

You all should also take Fox's words to heart. There is a cause to this situation, and a really good diagnostician can be a huge help in either pinpointing it, or ruling out learning issues.

Hatzlacha! I hope everyone succeeds, and your DS turns the corner.

MyUsername

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 7:29 am

Try to frame it to them so everyone is working towards the same goal. I recommend sending the school an email such as follows.

"I am so glad that we are all working towards the same goal - to improve son's performance in school. We know that you want the best for him and we should all work together as partners to make this happen.

Our first step in that direction is that we agree on the main goal of helping child academically, but we do disagree on the best way to achieve that goal. We believe the best way to reach that goal is to take the whole child into account. We agree with you that from an academic / intellectual perspective, tutoring is the best option. But, taking the whole child into account, son is also suffering from problems with self-esteem and self-motivation and is developing a mistrust of authority which needs to be nipped in the bud (or insert other problem here), and we feel that taking that into account, that the best approach would be one which caters to his academic needs, as well as his emotional and psychological needs. This is why we feel that the best way to get son to improve his performance in school is to have his father tutor him. Since we disagree on this point, let's try and come to a mutual decision which will be best for son.

In order for all of us to make a decision on whether a professional tutor or father tutor is best suited to helping son reach the goal of improving in school, we need to look at what the actual and potential wins and losses are for each option.

Father tutor:
(a) Wins:
- An actual win is that son is motivated to learn of his own accord, which is a big win considering his low motivation to learn at the moment.
- A potential additional win is that son's motivation allows son to learns what he needs to in being tutored by his father.
(b) Losses:
- A potential loss is that having his father tutor him may not be as effective as a professional tutor.

Professional tutor:
(a) Wins:
- A potential win is that son may learn what is needed.
(b) Losses:
- An actual loss, considering that son is completely resistant to having a professional tutor, is that son will feel forced by all the people who are supposed to be taking care of him - his parents and his rebbe and principal - to do something that he feels very against, and that no one is taking his needs into account.
- A potential additional loss is that because of the way son feels, he learns almost nothing with the tutor.

In our opinion, the wins which can be achieved by having father teach son and the losses which could be achieved by having a professional tutor teach son are significant. This is what led us to decide that having father tutor son would be the best option when we take the whole child into account, in deciding how to best help him reach to the goal of learning what he needs to and advancing academically.

We also believe that we can make father tutoring effective - we take this option just as seriously as with an tutor, and we plan to have father can work with school and teachers (just as any tutor would) to develop an appropriate tutoring curriculum, provide regular progress reports on what material/skills student has covered and how he is progressing, and have regular contact with the teacher to discuss concerns on both ends. We are happy to receive and implement additional suggestions to make the most of the father tutoring arrangement.

We all want son to succeed, and nurturing him both academically and emotionally at this sensitive age is our best option in helping him move forward academically and in terms of building his own self-motivation academically. We know that you want the best for him and we look forward to all working together as partners to make this happen.

Thank you for your consideration"

33055

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 8:39 am

MyUsername wrote:

Your letter is lovely, but I am not sure if the school would read it. It is too long and there are masses of material admin needs to read and all the other demands on their time. OP has one son and they have how many boys to educate. Condense it to a much short message with bullet points. If you want to include everything include it at the end.

OP needs to come in with action - not just telling the school where it is wrong. I am sorry but the school is not impartial reading this. She needs to start the program ASAP.

Also her son needs to get on board. He must understand he goes with this program or there are consequences.

I still think she should include a part about the cost of the tutoring.

MyUsername

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 12:15 pm

I understand your points too, squishy. I hope OP uses whatever part of the letter and other suggestions that will help her.

The reason I suggested a letter like this is the more you work 'against' the school, the more stubborn they become. If you try to show them that you want to work with them, they get less defensive and are more likely to try to work with you as well.

I agree that teachers and administrators are busy, but a teacher that doesn't have 5 minutes to read an e-mail like this seems like an exception. We have several teachers in the family, and they will all sit down and read e-mails like this, and they all prefer to get your case in writing and read it at their convenience rather than have you argue with them on the phone, or have to have a meeting with you during their only break during the school day, or have to meet with you after hours. . .

As far as I'm concerned, OP can set up a meeting with them and have them read it there. At the very least, e-mail it and then call to follow up. But I find it hard to believe a teacher or principal can't take 5 minutes to read an e-mail, when they are already calling this mother personally every single day to ask her what's going on with a tutor. . .

heidi

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 1:30 pm

studying_torah wrote:

Schools often have the idea they can demand things or force a parent to do whatever they say.
Honestly, no they cannot.
You need to be firm and remind them that everyone is here for the best interests of your child.
Having all of his best interests in mind might mean getting a tutor ( sometimes a stranger is less emotionally invested so the kid does better), it might mean learning with his father if his father can remain calm , it might mean backing off for a bit, it might mean your son learns with someone of his own choosing, ot might mean getting a professional evaluation.
But it does not mean they can pressure or force you because "we are the school".

Umm, honestly, yes they can.
A Jewish day school in America and chareidi yeshivot in Israel are private institutions and they can do what they want. If you don't like it, leave.
If you feel that the school is asking you to do something counter productive you may want to find a school that is more willing to work with you. As long as you're in their playing field you play by their rules.

33055

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 1:31 pm

MyUsername wrote:

There may be a difference of heshkofas here. Some Rebbes are very paternalistic and do not want to hear what the parents say. Other Rebbes are willing to partner with the parents. And most are somewhere in between but believe they are the chinuch experts and know better than the parents how to educate children but are willing to listen. Teachers are used to being in control. If they can't control the class, then they don't belong in a classroom. I totally agree asking an admin to take 5 minutes to read your letter is not unreasonable. But will they actually take the 5 minutes is the question. Will they take the 5 minutes but shut down while reading it? Will they spend the 5 minutes figuring out why the parent is wrong?

I wrote letters to two of my son's schools on three different matters. All three matters, admin first read the letter when we requested a meeting weeks later because the problem was not solved.

*Bullet points
*Highlights
*Parent implementation of the plan - father already contacting Rebbe regarding material he is teaching
*Boy on board

I totally agree the more you work against the school, the more they dig their heels in. They already believe there is something off with the parents because of a difficult boy.