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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Why do my kids talk back to me?
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amother
Purple


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 2:20 pm
Ages 8 to 12, why do they think they can talk back to me with a smart attitude? My DH and I were both raised with the type of parents, had we said some of the things my kids say to us, we would have been spanked or slapped in the face. so we knew not to dare. (And yet I still manage to love my parents even though they have threatened and sometimes exacted physical punishment on me).
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 2:25 pm
What do you do when they talk back to you?

I am dealing with this too, also from a family where I got slapped around for a fresh mouth and wouldn't dare. I wont do this to my kids and not sure how to handle this but to largely ignore it rather than get angry and let things elevate. I always thought if I treat my kids very sweet and with respect they will treat me the same. But it doesn't work out this way.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 2:49 pm
amother wrote:
Ages 8 to 12, why do they think they can talk back to me with a smart attitude? My DH and I were both raised with the type of parents, had we said some of the things my kids say to us, we would have been spanked or slapped in the face. so we knew not to dare. (And yet I still manage to love my parents even though they have threatened and sometimes exacted physical punishment on me).


What we gave to remember as parents is that we are the adults here. It is our responsibility that they should witness proper adult behavior. Mature adults may be unnerved by a freshmouth but will not loose thier cool. At the end of the day; What's the big deal that someone 20 or 30 years younger than you talks back?
Why would it render a spank or a slap?

Apparently, something doesn't sit right with you about your parents way of doing things because If your parents were successfull in what they did, then, why don't you do the same?
Can you identify what that is?


Last edited by crust on Sun, Apr 30 2017, 2:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 2:54 pm
crust wrote:
What we gave to remember as parents is that we are the adults here. It is our responsibility that they should witness proper adult behavior. Mature adults may be unnerved by a freshmouth but will not loose thier cool. At the end of the day; What's the big deal that someone 20 or 30 years younger than you talks back?
Why would it render a spank or a slap?


If your parents were successfull in what they did, then, why don't you do the same?


I have the same issue - one of my kids specifically is very disrespectful - I end up screaming at her a lot - often things I don't really mean. I don't go as so far as to hit. I don't know how to handle it in a good way. I want to show kids that it this type of behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated - how can I do that without the "anger" route? How would you handle it?
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:08 pm
amother wrote:
I have the same issue - one of my kids specifically is very disrespectful - I end up screaming at her a lot - often things I don't really mean. I don't go as so far as to hit. I don't know how to handle it in a good way. I want to show kids that it this type of behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated - how can I do that without the "anger" route? How would you handle it?


First let's clarify. You are trying to show your kids that this type of behavior is not acceptable. How are you showing it to them? Ironically, By an unacceptable type of behavior!

It is very challenging especially with the intense child. But. First make sure that you;
A. You ignore the behavior totally. It's good to view it as every other tantrum. I'm sure that at this point when your child is this age you know how to 'do' toddler tantrums. Do the same. Don't worry that your other children will learn to do thr same. If they will do the same, you will iyh be experienced how to handle it already .
B. Don't speak to your child about it in the heat of the moment. 24-48 hours later is just fine. You are more clear headed and will be able to;
C. State very clearly what the wrong wording was and what the right wording is.
Yes. These children need exact explanations. Don't assume that she 'should've' known not to talk to a parent like this. She. Does. Not. Know. You gotta teach her. 'Next time you dont want to do your job, Is it possible for you to say: mommy I want to talk to you?'
E. Some of these children have unexpressed feelings. They have no idea how to express themselves let alone how to express feelings!! We need to help them.

This is not an all inclusive guide but for starters I hope it gives some insight.
Hatzlucha
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:11 pm
Remember you are the parent, not the child's friend. Never lower yourself to your child. Act your age and not to friendly with your child. It's ok to be nice, but not immature. (I have to practice what I preach, right?)
There is a chance that you are trying to makeup for your parents strictness. It is okay to discipline but it's not okay to abuse. Its very scary because one can sometimes miss the fine line.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:11 pm
crust wrote:
First let's clarify. You are trying to show your kids that this type of behavior is not acceptable. How are you showing it to them? Ironically, By an unacceptable type of behavior!

It is very challenging especially with the intense child. But. First make sure that you;
A. You ignore the behavior totally. It's good to view it as every other tantrum. I'm sure that at this point when your child is this age you know how to 'do' toddler tantrums. Do the same. Don't worry that your other children will learn to do thr same. If they will do the same, you will iyh be experienced how to handle it already .
B. Don't speak to your child about it in the heat of the moment. 24-48 hours later is just fine. You are more clear headed and will be able to;
C. State very clearly what the wrong wording was and what the right wording is.
Yes. These children need exact explanations. Don't assume that she 'should've' known not to talk to a parent like this. She. Does. Not. Know. You gotta teach her. 'Next time you dont want tobdo your job, Is it possible for you to say: mommy I want to talk to you?'
E. Most of these children have unexpressed feelings. They have no idea hoe to express themselves let alone how to express feelings!! We need to help them.


I believe you are right in what you say. I know she is a child, but I do get very "triggered" from her talk and behavior. Logically, you are right, practically I have very hard time staying calm and following it. I'm wondering - would you say I need counseling if I know what I should do, but can't seem to do it and if yes, how can it help?
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yksraya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:14 pm
Kids know they are not suppose to talk back, but they do it to test what your reaction will be. By ignoring the chutzpa as if it didn't happen, they eventually stop the talking back.

For example:
Me: ds, pls come to the table and eat your dinner.

Ds: no, I didn't ask you what to do, I'm not coming

Me: no reaction, I busy myself with next chore/task

Ds: a few min later (maybe even an hr later)you can see him at table eating his dinner.

Ds 1 (10 yo) used to talk back really often, and used to stare at me to see if I'll give a reaction, sometimes he even continued saying chutzpa to probe a reaction out of me. But I always ignored it as if I really didn't hear, and now he does it way less bh.

Dd (12 yo) talks back sometimes, and when I don't react she sometimes has a fit and yells "mommy you're ignoring me, your a horrible mom" but that doesn't get any reaction either, which makes her brood, but then she calms down.

Parenting is not easy, but working to stay calm and ignore the bad behavior, eventually teaches them that:
1. This behavior does not get a reaction anyway, so not worth it.
2. They see how mom handles it, and iyh when they have kids will handle it same way too, it gives them the tools, what we model is way way more than what we preach.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:15 pm
Adding to Crust's post. Kids this age are often hormone driven although we may not recognize it. They also don't think before engaging their mouths, some are testing boundaries (this is going to naturally happen until they fledge).

Smacking a kid is not very creative, and the fact that is has to be done multiple times tells me it's not very effective. There are plenty of good parenting books out there, and many threads of suggestions by the Imas.
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amother
Purple


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:29 pm
OP here. I didn't have to get smacked often. It only took a few times. But my kids don't get smacked (because we learn it's bad parenting) and they are chutzpadik all over the place.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:30 pm
amother wrote:
I believe you are right in what you say. I know she is a child, but I do get very "triggered" from her talk and behavior. Logically, you are right, practically I have very hard time staying calm and following it. I'm wondering - would you say I need counseling if I know what I should do, but can't seem to do it and if yes, how can it help?


Absolutely!!
Why deprive yourself of something that will benefit you now and in the long run?
Sometimes, a healthy support group where everyone brings thier success story can do the job as well.


Last edited by crust on Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:32 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Purple


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:31 pm
PS there is something wrong with this entire world. Everyone's kids are running amuck. It seems kids are so lost these days. It's the permissive parenting.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:35 pm
amother wrote:
PS there is something wrong with this entire world. Everyone's kids are running amuck. It seems kids are so lost these days. It's the permissive parenting.


Permissive parenting? Or maybe focused/guided/redirective parenting?
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yksraya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 3:40 pm
amother wrote:
PS there is something wrong with this entire world. Everyone's kids are running amuck. It seems kids are so lost these days. It's the permissive parenting.

Who is permissive here? No one said to their child "sweety it's ok to talk back". But kids will be kids and they will talk back. It's our job as parents to teach self control. And when they see us having self control it goes over by osmosis. Hitting will teach that it's ok to use violance when getting upset.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 4:01 pm
amother wrote:
OP here. I didn't have to get smacked often. It only took a few times. But my kids don't get smacked (because we learn it's bad parenting) and they are chutzpadik all over the place.


Im not saying this is the case by you.
But unfurtonately, Chutzpah can sometimes be a self fulfilling prophecy.


Last edited by crust on Wed, May 03 2017, 8:42 am; edited 1 time in total
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 4:32 pm
amother wrote:
PS there is something wrong with this entire world. Everyone's kids are running amuck. It seems kids are so lost these days. It's the permissive parenting.


Rolling Eyes I don't think permissive parenting means what you think it means.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 4:48 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
Rolling Eyes I don't think permissive parenting means what you think it means.


I agree. To amother poster: If you want to know what permissive parenting is I recommend the book Rebel Mother, by peter andreas.
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 4:59 pm
They talk back because you have created an environment in your home where it is safe to talk back to you. That is ok. That is healthy. And now you can choose to ignore it and stay calm or discipline for it. Sometimes I will tell my son that it hurts my feelings, or I make a sad face. Sometimes I ignore. Sometimes I tell him I will respond when he is ready to talk nicely. And if he presses my buttons long enough I may lose my cool Sad
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 5:08 pm
OP can you give an example of the type of situation and thing they'll say?
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2017, 5:33 pm
amother wrote:
OP can you give an example of the type of situation and thing they'll say?


And also an example of what type of chutzpahdig thing they say?
At the end of the day, we all have our own ingrained versions of how chutzpah is defined.
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