I really don't like my co-worker. Please help

amother

Lemon

Tue, May 02 2017, 8:12 am

I used to work in a office where it was just me and my boss. About 2+ years ago we hired another girl. So now its the 2 of us and my boss.
My relationship with this other girl was good when it came to things not related to work. Any work-related things-there was issues from day 1. (I'm not going to go into them all now-but to sum it up-she never accepted that I am "on top" of her-even though that is how it is). Every here and there the work issue would come up again and would effect our relationship but then it would calm down and things would go back to the way it was before. I knew this wasn't good b/c it was just pushing off the problem instead of dealing with it.

A couple of months ago the problem really blew up-to the point where it was going to be that 1 of us was going to have to leave. She got a very strong speech explaining her position etc. and that either she accept it or leave. So the work issue was worked out.

My problem is this: I DON"T LIKE HER. During the whole blow-up I got to see that our personalities really clash (I noticed things from before when things were good between us).

What am I supposed to do? We work right next to each other and I don't like talking to her at all. Please help me.

enter

Tue, May 02 2017, 8:57 am

Doesn't sound like a nice environment to work in Sad

This is how I understand what you wrote. She crossed boundaries, and that hurt 2 things: your work position and your ego. Now you've sorted out the work issue but not your feelings towards her.

People can be different and still get along. You have feelings towards her - you do not like her, that's not the same as indifference. When I'm in this situation, that somebody irritates me, I try to work through the issue. Usually I wait until it gets bad enough Wink

and then I'll ask myself: what is it in her that bothers me in me? What is the resentment that I have towards her and what is it hurting in me? What do I want from this person that s/he isn't giving to me? Then I try to see how I can change the situation, and the best way is when I leave the other person out of it entirely and try to see my part. What I can do to change. What I can do to myself to fulfil my needs. Basically, the most helpful thing I can do to myself is to emotionally separate myself from the other person, let her deal with her issues and I'll deal with mine. In this situation, I'd probably be seething that she didn't respect me.

It'll probably help you to understand exactly what she does that gets on your nerves, because then you can attempt to deal with it - whether it's to leave the room when possible, find a new job if you feel you cannot continue there, or accept it. Her issues are for her to deal with and they are nothing to do with you. You don't have to like her. It's just a shame when it's disliking her because it's ruining your work.

You can try to empower yourself by realising you are making a choice by continuing to work there, even though you don't like your co-worker.

This is just what I'm thinking when I'm reading this, I'm sure other amother's will have some good advice for you. I hope it all works out well.

amother

Lemon

Tue, May 02 2017, 9:30 am

enter wrote:

Doesn't sound like a nice environment to work in Sad

I really like this advice. I have tried to do this, to really work it through inside myself so then I can interact with her normally. But somehow even after I do all that work the next day when I get to work all that inner work I did goes out the window and I'm left just not liking her again.

The one thing that I'm thinking-is that she is the type of person that takes advantage. Like at work we are on an honor system with our hours and she comes and leaves when she wants without docking it ever. That really bothers me and I know I'm not supposed to get involved (I did let my boss know-but he said he isn't going to make a big deal about it). But it still really irritates me anew each time. Any advice.

crust

Tue, May 02 2017, 9:54 am

Was it clearly verbalized to her before she took the job that you will be on top of her?
If it wasn't and she came in thinking that you will work as partners then this makes things a little complicated.
Positions need to be clearly outlined.
First think about your position;
What is your position? What qualifies you to be more in top than her? Is it your expertise? Education? Talent? If there is nothing to show for then it can cause a lot of anxiety for you that maybe one day she will take your position away.
Also, as part of your position, is it your responsibility to report her to your boss? Again. It has to be clearly defined and agreed to by you, your boss and her.
In general, peope enjoy to work in an environment which fosters a partnership rather than top/under positions.
Dr. David Lieberman has very straightforward answers to such questions.
Hatzlucha.

amother

White

Tue, May 02 2017, 9:57 am

amother wrote:

Whoa!!! Are u sure she is the one with the issue?! Tattling by work is really really mean. myob.! Seriously not ur place!

amother

Lemon

Tue, May 02 2017, 10:09 am

crust wrote:

yes it was clearly stated and stated many more times again. It took her a LONG time to accept that. Which she finally did-after the blow-up.
I'm not afraid that she is going to take away my position-as she is not able to do what I do-and has no interest either.
So regarding her hours-no I'm not supposed to be involved which is why I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard to keep out of it. It does involve me b/c her work doesn't get done and then I have to do it-which is when I said s/t to my boss-not before that. I was just wondering if anyone else had a situation where they see s/o taking advantage and it bothers them but they just can't get involved. (or maybe I'm the only one out there like this). Again to reiterate I am aware that I should not get involved-just wanted advice on how to not let it bother me.

crust

Tue, May 02 2017, 10:27 am

amother wrote:

If you end up doing her work then it's impossible that this shouldn't bother you. You have to be a tzadeikes to work for free. Why should you?
Is your boss willing to give you a raise for the extra hours/work that you put in?

enter

Tue, May 02 2017, 11:46 am

Hummm, how about trying to accept that this is just the way it is? She takes advantage. You can't stand it. That's just the way it is. Sometimes the mere acceptance, both of the situation and the feelings to the situation, can give us the freedom we're seeking. Don't fight it.

You can try affirmations: repeating to yourself something like, "it is what it is." / "ok, so I don't like her, I can't change her." / "she has her issues to work on, I have mine." Find a phrase that rings true for you.

There is also an idea out there of praying for her. You can try that if you want.

You commented on it just being you - absolutely not. Everyone has people they don't like for whatever reason, and some people decide to work on it! You're exactly where you're meant to be, don't worry about it more than necessary. Things will fall into place, time has a way of doing that.

Fox

Tue, May 02 2017, 5:56 pm

I'd love to give you some great advice on how to get along with an unpleasant co-worker or at least keep it from affecting your overall mood and job satisfaction. Unfortunately, my experience has been that the only real solution was to find another job.

However, when I've been in similar situations, a seriously unpleasant co-worker was really a symptom, not a cause. The presence of someone who cannot or will not be cooperative, professional, and appropriately friendly means that there is a management problem. Your boss is allowing this woman to control the atmosphere at work and sap the motivation of a longtime, valuable employee -- you!

It seems that your boss is aware of the fact that your co-worker is a bit of a pill. The fact that he's unwilling to take a consistent leadership role in creating a positive work environment means that he doesn't want to be bothered -- why should he solve it when you're the one who has to put up with it?

You sound like you deserve a better boss -- someone who understands that the most important asset of a business is the experience and commitment of good employees.

HonesttoGod

Wed, May 03 2017, 8:50 am

amother wrote:

Whoa!!! Are u sure she is the one with the issue?! Tattling by work is really really mean. myob.! Seriously not ur place!

Didn't the op say she is her superior? Meaning it is up to her to report to the boss any happenings and doings with this employee.

I have an assistant and you bet your a$$ that I report to my boss if she is doing something against the office rules.
She clocked in hours that I KNEW she wasn't there, of COURSE I told my boss!
She used her phone on loud volumn when that is not allowed in our office, of COURSE I told my boss.
And I don't consider it tattling, she is my assistant, I am her superior, and it is my duty to let the boss know if she is not doing her job.