Why does everyone say 'do whats best for you'?

amother

Linen

Thu, May 04 2017, 6:43 pm

I've noticed that's a common line on this site 'Do what's best for you' 'just make sure you're happy...' and it keeps making me cringe. I definitely hear that nobody should be a door mat, but there are SO many other considerations in every situation. Re naming your baby - yes, its your decision, but its a great kavod and a special way to connect with previous generations and give your parents nachas. Its not ONLY about what name you love.
Re being a parent/ being there for your kids - its not ONLY about what makes you happy. Sometimes kids are impossible and bratty and embarrassing and you cant stand them, but Gd handpicked you as their parents and you're there for the long run. It doesn't matter. Suck it up and be the mom. Fake it til you make it.
I'm sorry, I'll get off my soap box now, but I'm sick of this entitled message that keeps cropping up. I'm new-ish on this site and its completely turning me off.

behappy2

Thu, May 04 2017, 6:51 pm

I don't know which threads you are referring to but I think what happens is that posters give advice but they don't know the intricate details of someone's life so they want to remind them to do what works which is really the best advice. I think that when someone says do what makes you happy they don't mean the kind of happy where you yell at your kids and you feel good that you let it all out or the kind of happy when you finish off a chocolate bar. They are referring to emotional health. That is my guess.

yksraya

Thu, May 04 2017, 6:56 pm

"Do what's best for you" does not mean "do not have anyone else in mind" it means "do what works best for you and your family, in your particular circumstances"

Re the naming babies: it's a decision between a DW and DH what they want to name their child. No one should be pressured by anyone else, be it parents or inlaws, to give a name. Of course if the couple is in agreement with honoring/naming after a parent/grandparent that is nice, but it's their choice, not anyone elses.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, May 04 2017, 6:57 pm

re naming your baby - if you don't care about the kavod stuff and giving parents naches, then whats best for you is naming a baby whatever you want. For most people - whats best for them - is giving kavod.

re being a parent - lots of ways to parent. Lots and lots and lots. Doing what makes you happy means making decisions that you are comfortable with, and not what other people do say (like for example - 'the rule is a baby must be with her mom'. no such rule). I don't think when anyone here says 'do what makes you happy' they mean it to mean that you should abandon your children if they are making your life miserable.

Not seeing anything about entitlement here.

What I do see a lot of is financial irresponsibility. If I'm 'willing to' pay a cleaning lady...

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:27 pm

The problem arises when too many people around you want too many different things and/or conflict with what's easiest/healthiest for you.

For example, after I gave birth to my first, I did not go stay with my mother. She was terribly hurt because that's what is usually "done" in our community. But I needed my own privacy and personal space, and wouldn't have had it at her house. So I did what was best for me (went to my in laws, whose house is bigger and quieter and more comfortable) although that was hurtful.

amother

Silver

Thu, May 04 2017, 8:07 pm

amother wrote:

Barring unusual circumstances (mother who invades personal space etc), that does sound like quite a slap in the face decision to make.

amother

Orchid

Thu, May 04 2017, 8:12 pm

OP I find your post quite triggering.

Everyone is entitled to do what is best for them. Period.

If they don't feel connected to the past, and they weighed all the outcomes, and still decided on their favorite name, then they did the right thing.

People like me, who were abused all our lives do not do what is best for us Naturally. That is why we love hearing that advice. It's a reminder that if we don't care for ourselves, no one else will.

amother

Ruby

Thu, May 04 2017, 8:13 pm

amother wrote:

Barring unusual circumstances (mother who invades personal space etc), that does sound like quite a slap in the face decision to make.

Umm hello, she was a kimpeturim! Of course her health and rest are her first priority. Social norms be darned. The hurt is her mother's to work through. When you just had a baby you need to make the best decision for you, not for the social norms and expectations of others.

Personal boundaries are important. We shouldn't be shmattas, just living for other people. We need to put ourselves first, because if not, we won't have anything left to give for others.

amother

Silver

Thu, May 04 2017, 8:32 pm

amother wrote:

Of course we shouldn't be shmattas. But, no need for the drama, there's a middle way. And going to my MIL after having a baby because she has a nicer guest room just sounds mean to me. Nothing to do with living for others, but to do with kibbud eim and mentsclichkeit. But to each their own.

yksraya

Thu, May 04 2017, 9:00 pm

amother wrote:

Seriously, what is the middle way in this situation??? You cannot know why she didn't want to go to her mom. Maybe her mom or dad or sibling is not mentally healthy etc, or even if all is ok, maybe she has little siblings still at home, and it can get too noisy, thus what's the point of staying there if there will be no rest etc. She does not need to do what's best for her mom, when she is the one that needs to recuperate and take care of her health.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, May 04 2017, 9:05 pm

amother wrote:

Kibbud Eim? Wow when I had my first, my mother practiced Kibbud the 'new Eim'. She asked me how should could be helpful and how much space I needed.

crust

Thu, May 04 2017, 9:33 pm

amother wrote:

I'm trying to understand your point of view. I cant see myself having pain over where my child (married, no less) chooses to stay.
Can you Please further explain yourself?

amother

Linen

Thu, May 04 2017, 9:52 pm

THIS.
This poster who posted about staying with her MIL even though her mother was so hurt. THIS. Exactly.
I am trying so hard not to judge but why would it be ok to let your mother feel hurt? Why would you want to? Yes it is 'better' for you, 'easier' for you but you are not a mentch in my book. Sorry for judging you but that's the truth. Some things are hard - and its not always about what's best for you. Yes you just had a baby - but guess what, YOU are your mothers baby - and presuming you have a healthy relationship, why would you let her feel hurt??? When its in your control? Maybe your relationship is terrible, who knows, maybe she always plays the hurt card, who knows, but I bet you hope your own baby will be careful of your feelings in the future even if it is at odds of what's 'best' for her.

amother

Navy

Thu, May 04 2017, 9:58 pm

amother wrote:

Ok ok my friend. We hear you. But Why is this the'truth'? Where have you read this bible? And why is this bible more 'true' than my Torah in which I haven't seen such a halucha?

tichellady

Thu, May 04 2017, 10:00 pm

amother wrote:

When you have a baby, people want to help out. If the things they are offering are not helpful, It's ok to turn them down. If people offer to bring meals and that's not helpful, you can say " thanks so much for offering, but that's not what I need right now". If your mom or mil offers to host you and you would rather not stay with them, it's ok to thank them for their love and support and tell them what's best for you. A woman who just gave birth doesn't need to inconvience herself because other people have self-esteeem issues. I don't even understand how this is a conversation. Maybe part of the problem is living in a community where there are "standards". In my community, some women stay with their moms after they give birth, some don't, some get baby nurses, some have no additional help, everyone does what makes sense for her, there is no set expectation.

seeker

Thu, May 04 2017, 10:01 pm

"Do what's best for you" doesn't mean "don't think about anyone else." It means "You have it within you to figure out what is best in this situation. Nobody else has the unique perspective and tools to make decisions for you. Don't get dragged down by other people's pressures and opinions. Listen to your inner wisdom."

At least, that's what I'd like it to mean.