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Difficult teenager
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 7:50 pm
I have serious issues w my 14 yo dd.
She is extremely disrespectful to my DH and I, mean to her siblings (teases, calls them names occasionally hits them), treats my house like a dumping ground (I.e. Never hangs anything up or tidy up after herself). She is super sweet to her friends and has a good name. Somehow when she comes into the house she creates havoc. She's the eldest and the most work. I am at my wits end. I've tried so many therapies, for her, for us nothing works because she puts on this v innocent front and she's an amazing actress. I am so upset. Thank Gd my other kids are well behaved (not perfect obviously) but they are kind to each other and respectful. My dd also hardly eats and she is constantly buying herself food (cause nothing is good enough). She is constantly complaining about anything and everything and I said to my DH that I want her out. I don't know how to deal with it . If I could send her to Jewish foster family I totally would. It's really affecting my health and the way I interact w my DH and other kids simply because all my energy is drained out by her. I just don't know wha to do anymore!
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:08 pm
https://youtu.be/VgdZeN0k0tQ

Maybe this can help.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:12 pm
Not really an option ☝️. I really want to love her unconditionally I just can't. She's caused too much pain/damage for too long.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:15 pm
amother wrote:
Not really an option ☝️. I really want to love her unconditionally I just can't. She's caused too much pain/damage for too long.


Has she been diagnosed?
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:17 pm
amother wrote:
Not really an option ☝️. I really want to love her unconditionally I just can't. She's caused too much pain/damage for too long.

Had similar issue. After much pain Crying and feeling like failure if parents, my Daughter was diagnosed with mood disorder. On meds now. Bh there's whom to talk to at least.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:20 pm
No. It's hard to explain. She's so so different to the outside world. Her friends, school, babysitting. She's super friendly and outgoing, kid and considerate. Yet at home she's hair a terror. She claims it's cause we don't treat her nicely. She is one big victim. And is constantly blaming the members in the house for what she perceives as unfair treatment. Where do I go to see if she needs meds? And is it justified if the problem is only at home? Does it not show how she can be in control of her feelings?
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:23 pm
amother wrote:
No. It's hard to explain. She's so so different to the outside world. Her friends, school, babysitting. She's super friendly and outgoing, kid and considerate. Yet at home she's hair a terror. She claims it's cause we don't treat her nicely. She is one big victim. And is constantly blaming the members in the house for what she perceives as unfair treatment. Where do I go to see if she needs meds? And is it justified if the problem is only at home? Does it not show how she can be in control of her feelings?


Would you consider family therapy with her? It sounds like you can use professional insight? Was she always like this or did this start recently?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:25 pm
Is she still frum? Is she doing drugs or dating boys?

If those are not worries for you, then you really don't have much to complain about. Ignore her comments, and cut off her allowance (nosh budget) until she starts cleaning up her own stuff. Hitting siblings certainly should not be allowed. Really, this is small stuff, and she'll outgrow it if you show her that you love her no matter what.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:27 pm
I would do fam therapy but as I said she's an amazing actress and isn't at all honest. Which I forgot to mention above, she is constantly lying. It breaks my heart. My DH and I really try to do good and b examples she just ruins everything. She's been this way for most of her life. I always thought she would grow out of it. Unfortunately it is just getting worse.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:29 pm
amother wrote:
No. It's hard to explain. She's so so different to the outside world. Her friends, school, babysitting. She's super friendly and outgoing, kid and considerate. Yet at home she's hair a terror. She claims it's cause we don't treat her nicely. She is one big victim. And is constantly blaming the members in the house for what she perceives as unfair treatment. Where do I go to see if she needs meds? And is it justified if the problem is only at home? Does it not show how she can be in control of her feelings?


Strong minded psychiatrist that won't buy her blaming father mother sisters brothers.
Yes my daughter can control feelings outside. This was major confusion. But Thanks GD for this. At least shes ok in school socially etc so I didnt get to much additional pain.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:30 pm
Yes she is frumand no drugs or boys . So should I consider myself lucky? It's so so hard because it is constant. Daily. And nothing seems to affect her. She really doesn't give a sh*t. I feel like I need to do something drastic to get through to her. Just don't know what.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:33 pm
amother wrote:
Strong minded psychiatrist that won't buy her blaming father mother sisters brothers.
Yes my daughter can control feelings outside. This was major confusion. But Thanks GD for this. At least shes ok in school socially etc so I didnt get to much additional pain.


So does a psychiatrist prescribe the drugs for her mood or does he refer to a Dr?
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:35 pm
amother wrote:
Yes she is frumand no drugs or boys . So should I consider myself lucky? It's so so hard because it is constant. Daily. And nothing seems to affect her. She really doesn't give a sh*t. I feel like I need to do something drastic to get through to her. Just don't know what.


I wouldn't call this small stuff. Really. It's sooo exhausting. There's no getting through without a powerful outsider. Btdt.
Oh was I wishing for a foster home!!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:36 pm
amother wrote:
I would do fam therapy but as I said she's an amazing actress and isn't at all honest. Which I forgot to mention above, she is constantly lying. It breaks my heart. My DH and I really try to do good and b examples she just ruins everything. She's been this way for most of her life. I always thought she would grow out of it. Unfortunately it is just getting worse.


Have you tried to stop trying to control her, and just let her do her own thing? Don't take the bait. If she lies, just go "Mmm hmm, OK" and then carry on with whatever you're doing. If she says the sky is blue, don't believe her until you've looked out the window for yourself.

She's obviously pushing your buttons, and getting a reaction out of you. It makes her feel powerful and in control. If you disengage from her behavior, she'll figure out that it's not working anymore.

Only react to praise positive behavior, and ignore the rest. If you've tried everything else, why not give it a shot? At least you'll be expending less energy and emotion on trying to get her to change.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:37 pm
amother wrote:
So does a psychiatrist prescribe the drugs for her mood or does he refer to a Dr?


Psychiatrist is an M.D. can give meds. Some psychiatrists also do psychotherapy.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 8:58 pm
Op don't rush to give a child meds it just sounds like you don't get along, you clearly don't like her. Maybe she could dorm somewhere for high school, it might be healthiest for all of you.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 9:08 pm
My oldest dd was the same. She terrorized everybody at home but was a role model and popular and straight A student outside the house. I didn't know how to deal with her. I practically hated her and thought that she hates me also. Now she is 20 and is a great sweet person. I regret so much for all fighting I did with her and that I took it personally. I wish I could make it up to her but I can't. Now my 13 yo dd starting to act out. I just show her love and try not yo take it personally. I think I should have gone to therapy more also.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 9:13 pm
amother wrote:
Not really an option ☝️. I really want to love her unconditionally I just can't. She's caused too much pain/damage for too long.


Please, please tell me you didn't really mean this.

How is she going to change if you "just can't?"

Some things worth trying:

1. Take a parenting class geared for those with challenging kids and teens. In the meantime, look for every tiny instance of cooperation, and express gratitude for it. Smile at her as much as you can. Look for ways to spend quality time together.

2. Read "Get Out of my Life but First Could You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall".

3. Consider therapy for yourself, as a place to vent about her, and see where you could grow. Setting a good example is helpful.

4. Look for further evaluation for her, until you find someone who can really understand what is going on.

Don't despair! If she acts sweet at least some of the time, then you have succeeded with her at least part of the way. There is no shame in being the one to seek help.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 10:29 pm
My dd was also like this as a teenager. We didn't thinkntherapy would help bc she was also a charmer and didn't always tell the truth. My husband and I went to therapy instead. We received guidance and had a place to vent. Eventually she did mature and our home became a much calmer place. It took growth on both ends to make it happen. As she matured, dd took more responsibility for her actions and at the same time we worked on loving her unconditionally. We also had to let a lot of things go so that she would stop feeling like a bad person.
It's hard. Really hard. It takes time. But it's hard on everyone.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Sun, May 07 2017, 10:31 pm
This post says so much more about you than her...and it isn't pretty.

A 14 year girl who is having a hard time with puberty and her emotions is holding it together perfectly outside the home. At home she is looking to know that whatever happens she will be loved and accepted and you are showing her the complete opposite. Sending her away rather that embracing her. These are the critical years for her self worth when it is your job to make sure she knows that she is loved for more than her prefect grades.

Everyone else is seeing her competence and a success and at home when she is letting her guard down she is being pushed away.

Seriously, you need to take a look at yourself and your limitations as a parent and start doing your job!
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