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Forum
-> Judaism
-> Halachic Questions and Discussions
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amother
Cerulean
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 Tue, May 09 2017, 4:10 pm
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Iymnok
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Tue, May 09 2017, 4:17 pm
Did you make it verbally?
Did you use Shem Hashem?
There may be a heter anyway since it was made in the heat of the moment.
Did your husband hear about it? He could nullify it as soon as he hears it.
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amother
cornflower
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Tue, May 09 2017, 4:19 pm
Sounds like she's the abusive one, trying to get full control over you.
Once she realized it won't work with you, she doesn't need you anymore.
But I may be wrong. And I don't know about the neder part.
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susan11230
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Tue, May 09 2017, 4:23 pm
Wow I personaly feel that you should actually forget about her, You have involved her enough in your peronal life , and if you feel that she has in a way influenced you into thinking that you are in an abusive relationship parhaps with you husband then she is actually trying to ruine your marriage and thats a no no . I would stay far away from her , Think about it what have you got from her friendship to you seems like only negetive things.
Learn from your mistakes , be carefull who you tell your secrets or personal problems to, If your having marrage problems consult a proffetional marrage councelor not a friend. If you really need to speak to someone then make sure it is someone who really cares about you and your life.
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amother
Blush
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Tue, May 09 2017, 4:27 pm
| amother wrote: | Sounds like she's the abusive one, trying to get full control over you.
Once she realized it won't work with you, she doesn't need you anymore.
But I may be wrong. And I don't know about the neder part. |
It sounds to me like this friend genuinely thought that the OP was in an abusive situation, and tried to help. Maybe she was right. Maybe she was wrong. But I think it ridiculous to attack her this way.
I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship. Her husband threw a metal bar at her. He was angry she didn't make enough money, so he destroyed all the work in her briefcase. He once took her train ticket and all of her money, so she couldn't get home. And she denied that the relationship was abusive. So while OP could be right, she could also be wrong.
And don't we nullify all vows on Kol Nidre?
Anon because of the personal story.
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amother
Chocolate
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Tue, May 09 2017, 4:49 pm
Sounds like the neder is the least of your worries. It's probably not considered a neder anyway, you need rules to make it and as far as I know, if you aren't in a good emotional place, it doesn't count. You weren't thinking clearly, so you're fine.
I have no idea your situation so if I am mistaken, please totally disregard my post.
I'm very familiar with denial. I lived in denial for years. I had a good friend - a mentor actually - that I would talk to all the time, shared with her my deepest, darkest secrets. She "tried to convince me" that I'm in an abusive relationship (something similar, but lets go with this) and I sounded exactly like you did. I also had a therapist that I saw but then stopped seeing him, not because he wasn't good - he was - but because I was so sure I didn't need therapy! My friend/mentor also broke off with me eventually and after even more suffering I finally woke up to the fact how much pain I was in and got the help I was desperate for. Let me tell you, by the time I got help, I was in a very bad place. I still reeked of denial, until, finally, therapy worked and I mellowed and I did the work I had to. Which was to face myself and my past and be very humble and honest with myself.
Are you very sure you aren't in denial? It sounds like something else is going on here and I'm not sure if it's just total denial or some other emotional issues. Think about why you stopped seeing your therapist - you didn't share why that was. Was it a valid reason or more denial?
Lets look at your friend for a moment. Whether or not she is right, she has spent time either to get you out of your denial OR convince you for her own reasons, but fact is, she has spent the time to convince you AND YOU RESPONDED! She had made a breakthrough, on her part (whether she is accurate or not, that's not the point because we're now looking at it through her eyes and she believes you are in abusive relationship). Anyways, what happens? You finally believe her and then she stops talking to you. She breaks contact because on her part she is being responsible. She's your friend, not therapist. She knows she can only be a friend and cannot help you with whatever issues you have. So, she puts boundaries in place.
Then, you do something characteristic of denial. Or something unhealthy. You go back to "what you always knew" that you are okay and nothing is wrong with you. Coming to that place, YOU feel confident that now you can talk to her again because you don't need the help she's told you that you do need, but your friend - I don't even know what she feels. Frustrated possibly. Saddened, perhaps. All this time she's worked to convince you that you have a problem and you've, in essence, gone back on that. Whether it's true or false, on her part, that's how things look.
Before leaving this topic though, I want to point out that nobody else has your truths or answers. So whilst everyone around me practically begged me to see the pain I was in (!!!) and the problems I was creating, I was actually entirely convinced I was okay! Sure, they helped me alot, and I had my times I tried to help myself earlier, but the breakthrough was when I, just me, finally fell to my knees in utter desperation. When I finally saw the truth about myself and knew I needed help.
OP, I've no idea your story and tbh I don't really want to share mine. But I did it, because if it can help you, I want to do that. do whatever you like with it - take it, leave it, just please don't bash me for it. I just want to say that when I read your post it triggered this response in me because I recognise that style of writing. You say it's a halacha question, but if it's really halacha you're after, you didn't need to give the whole background story. I think you were asking for more. And, if halacha is really that important to you, and you had to break your values to cross boundaries (because you can't deal with the pain of the relationship) than that in itself is indicative of a problem. I could be "right" and I could be "wrong" and I really don't care, because it's your life and I hope you find your own personal truth wherever and whatever it may be.
And, I suggest you go back to therapy. Whatever your story is, you need someone to talk to and it shouldn't be a friend who isn't there for you anymore anyway.
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amother
Cerise
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Tue, May 09 2017, 5:45 pm
I am not a poisek and I dont play one on tv 
But that really doesn't sound like a neder to me
More like telling your mother I hate you I never want to see you again
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doctorima
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Tue, May 09 2017, 6:00 pm
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What were the words of the neder that came out of your mouth?
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amother
Coral
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Tue, May 09 2017, 6:17 pm
I would call a posek or a reliable sheilos hot line anonymously to put your mind at ease. There are a lot of complexities with nedarim and hopefully the way it was done everything is okay. At least you won't have this doubt plaguing you and hanging over you head.
I don't think anyone here will clear your mind with our answers.
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amother
Coral
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Tue, May 09 2017, 6:18 pm
| amother wrote: | I am not a poisek and I dont play one on tv
But that really doesn't sound like a neder to me
More like telling your mother I hate you I never want to see you again |
That isn't a neder - that is a wish - and I don't think problematic.
A neder is more like "I hate you and promise I will never come to visit you again."
That has more implications.
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Water Stones
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Tue, May 09 2017, 7:51 pm
| amother wrote: |
And don't we nullify all vows on Kol Nidre. |
I think only specific kind of neder gets nullified on Kol Nidre.
OP did your husband hear you say the words? If he did, he can nullify it for you.
Or go speak to a Talmid chachim and he will ask you why you want nullifying and he will do it.
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agreer
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Tue, May 09 2017, 10:53 pm
I once thought I made a neder and wanted to violate it. I called a rav. Turns out it wasn't really a neder.
Don't get caught up in the neder. Ask a rav. If it is real, you do hataras nedarim - really kinda simple.
The friend is a much more severe issue.
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crust
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Tue, May 09 2017, 11:49 pm
Nisht kein Behr in nisht kein vald.
This was not a neder and you didn't violate it.
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Ruchel
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Wed, May 10 2017, 5:37 am
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Your husband can free you in case it was (or your father if not married).
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