What do you think of this piece of writing so far?

amother

Orange

Fri, May 12 2017, 2:07 pm

Ironing

"The monotonous rhythm of the iron as it pressed over the clothes helped me to focus on my thoughts and drift to a place of thoughtful reflection. A sense of satisfaction washed over me as I felt that the task was one of perfecting something in a way that I wished to replicate within myself. The quietness in the room was calming, interrupted only by the soft, hissing sounds of the iron's eagerness to proceed. Thoughts about my daughter were magnified in this stillness. And yet, for all the frustration I felt, the ironing was helping me to focus; to understand that life moves on."

Please be honest. Do you think this any good?
It is an ongoing piece of work that I have to produce for a class. The title was the one we were given. That's all I've written so far.

lora

Fri, May 12 2017, 2:49 pm

Great first draft great idea.
One thing though, effortless writing is the best writing. It feels like there's to much deliberation over each word maybe try to close your eyes think about what your saying then jot it down in your own words based on what you wrote till now but with a natural note. Overall great peice

enneamom

Fri, May 12 2017, 2:59 pm

The sentence structure is the same in each sentence. Try changing it up.

Right now, you have "The ______ was (or other verb) ______" over and over again, for the whole paragraph. It gets hard to read. Change the order around in each sentence, like "The ______ was ______. As I ______, I felt ______. Then the ______ did (verb), bringing me to ______ ."

Or something like that.

MagentaYenta

Fri, May 12 2017, 3:40 pm

If I may.

" A sense of satisfaction washed over me as I felt that the task was one of perfecting something in a way that I wished to replicate within myself."

A sense of satisfaction washed over me. I felt the task was one of perfecting something in a way that I wished to replicate within myself.

I do feel that the sentence, 'I felt that the task was one of perfecting something in a way that I wished to replicate within myself.' is a bit cumbersome. It makes me ask which parts of the task?

debsey

Fri, May 12 2017, 3:43 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

I agree, the imagery was beautiful but I got lost in the wordiness.

It's a sad limitation of today's generation, but people don't like too many words. But even without that limitation, it's too cumbersome.

You have a kernel of something good here, but keep polishing.

MagentaYenta

Fri, May 12 2017, 4:23 pm

debsey wrote:

Now I can read the wordiness of Maugham, Melville and even Hemingway. Writers like Shirley Jackson, Steven King are masters of using words, they leave you with questions, but you won't be wandering about with excessive verbiage.

Which takes me full circle, SK's 'On Writing', is a must read for folks who are entering the field.

amother

Mint

Fri, May 12 2017, 4:32 pm

Great idea. I'm on my phone so I can't write a lot or edit well. I second the idea of varying sentence structure. I changed a few sentences just to play around. The words in parenthesis seem like they can easily be cut out for lighter reading.

The monotonous rhythm of the iron (as it pressed over the clothes) helped me drift to a place of (thoughtful) reflection. A sense of satisfaction washed over me. I felt that the task was one of perfecting--something that I wished to replicate within myself. The quietness in the room was calming, interrupted only by the soft, hissing sounds of the iron's eagerness to proceed. Thoughts about my daughter were magnified in this stillness. Instead of the usual frustration, the ironing was helping me to focus; to understand that life moves on."

debsey

Fri, May 12 2017, 5:47 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

I think the king of wordiness is Henry James. Could not read him in college, now I can read his work, but you really have to focus on pulling the meaning out of the prose, like prising a nut out of a walnut shell.

I agree, 'On Writing' is a must. OP, check it out. It's the exact help you need.

debsey

Fri, May 12 2017, 5:48 pm

amother wrote:

MUCH better!

marina

Fri, May 12 2017, 7:58 pm

debsey wrote:

Good writing is always concise and powerful.

marina

Fri, May 12 2017, 8:16 pm

amother wrote:

I don't understand why you're frustrated if you are feeling satisfied.

Also, consider:

Quote:

Focus, focus, I tell myself Life goes on, with all its joys and tragedies and mindless routines.

Rhythmically, the iron moves back and forth, back and forth, like waves gently lapping upon the shore. I exhale. Slowly, gradually, the frustration ebbs and I drift on the ocean of my thoughts, lost in the ironing, lost in the beautiful monotony of my silent house.

My child will manage and she'll get through this. But will I?

The iron hisses softly, smoothing the creases and restoring the fabric, perfecting the button-down shirt in a way I could not hope to replicate within.

youngishbear

Sat, May 13 2017, 10:38 pm

enneamom wrote:

To be fair, monotonous sentence structure could evoke the monotony of the author's movements with the iron. Using word flow in this way requires a very skillful hand, though.

OP, your work has potential. Keep in mind that most people are better critics than they are creators. Just keep writing, and keep polishing.

enneamom

Sat, May 13 2017, 11:14 pm

youngishbear wrote:

Yes, very true! It's so much easier to tear apart than to create.

debsey

Sat, May 13 2017, 11:48 pm

marina wrote:

Good writing is always concise and powerful.

I don't know... some of the classic novelists weren't so concise, but their writing still has impact. Think of Charles Dickens, who was paid by the word. He takes three paragraphs to describe a coach moving down the road. Jane Austen was wordy, compared to today's novelists. Henry James (as I mentioned above). Tolstoy was fairly wordy, although that may be more a fault in translation. I think most of us would consider them "good" (if not "great" writers), unless you're of the school that DWEMs (with the exception of Austen) should be removed from the pantheon of "great" literature.