How to get my child to go to therapy

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, May 15 2017, 11:45 pm

I have an eleven year old ds who needs therapy for anger management, emotion regulation etc. I've taken him to more than one therapist but after a few times he refuses to go. Yes, he is offered incentives for going and consequences (which I enforce) for not going. He's very stubborn and I cannot physically get him into the car.

I am so terrified of what he will turn out like as his hair trigger temper and rages (which can include throwing things etc) scare me and I don't see any way to deal with it. (Yes, I've read the explosive child, the spirited child, etc).

Any ideas (and chizzuk) for me?

amother

Slateblue

Tue, May 16 2017, 12:11 am

I'm in a bit of a similar situation. For me this helps. (sometimes)

Stop making it about making him go to therapy. Somehow it's got to be about YOU. Your job may not be to MAKE HIM GO TO THERAPY. In fact it probably isn't, because making somebody else do something is very rarely a worthwhile goal.

I don't know enough about you to work this out, but you could start by asking yourself some questions like these -

What is my biggest weakness?
Do I need to learn to ask for more help?
Do I need to learn specifically to ask my husband for more help?
Do I need to be more open with friends or family so I can find the help I need?
Do I need to learn to stop controlling others?
Do I need to learn more deeply that Hashem runs the world and I cannot control ANYTHING outside of myself?
Do I need to learn to accept Hashem's will?

Let the answers to these questions guide you to your next step.

Also- you should consider medication. It can help a lot to get the child into a place where they can accept therapy.

amother

Sienna

Tue, May 16 2017, 1:54 pm

I have been a therapy refuser myself as a child. . .

You should sit down and talk to your child about why he doesn't want to go back. Sometimes, it's just not the right therapist. Or, it could be that the methods used are not right for him, so each therapist uses the same technique and he's running away.

You should also offer to go with him to therapy - for some kids, this helps, for some it doesn't. Offer yourself as an advocate - if it's hard for him to tell the therapist when something is too hard for him or he really doesn't like it, then he can tell you instead.

Also, I strongly recommend that you take a parenting class for children with anger/aggression issues or emotional regulation issues. This is together with therapy, but it will help give you some better tools to manage him as well.

Also, medication might be called for, consider your next trip to be to psychiatrist. Sometimes, medication helps things enoug hthat therapy isn't so bad/hard.

Lastly - really huge bribes. Let him pick them, if possible.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, May 16 2017, 2:06 pm

He won't talk about why he doesn't want to go back. He doesn't express himself at all, for the most part. I realize that's part of his issue.

I am open to parenting classes on kids with anger issues/emotion regulation issues, I have been working on dealing with his anger etc for the past approximately 7 years and have not seen anything make a difference. Any suggestions on parenting classes that focus on that issue exclusively? (I have many other children who I have no issues parenting bH).

I have gone with him to therapy, it didn't make a difference.

I would love to put him on medication, I dream of it (as I said, I've tried a lot of things, to no avail) but I didn't realize there was one that might help him. I AM looking into making an appointment with a child psych.

I offered huge bribes-up to $1k worth (and trust me, I don't have that kind of money) but he still won't go Sad

I am feeling hopeless and terrified Crying

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, May 16 2017, 2:46 pm

Why is he ostensibly angry? I don't always know but usually over small things (ie a younger sibling asks him a question when he would rather be reading, I tell him it's time to go to sleep, he stubs his toe. . . ) Why is he "really" angry? That's the million dollar question. He either will not or cannot (because he doesn't know himself) identify what is going on for him:(

Who would do a neurodevelopmental evaluation?

amother

Khaki

Tue, May 16 2017, 3:00 pm

I work in a dorm were all the kids are like this -some have parents like you who just gave up and some are this explosive because of the parents. I have had chairs, rocks, blocks of wood thrown at me, been hit ect...

A couple of tips for explosive kids;
- Meds can be a lifesaver though it can take a while to find the right combo. They don't solve the problems, just lower the intensity and frequency.
- The therapists you send to need to have experiance working with kids who are explosive and don't want help. Sometimes animal therapy or equestrian therapy is easier for resistant kids to swallow.
- Bear hugs; we were trained to hold the children in a bear hug for as long as it takes for then to calm down(usually 30 min). The only way it works is if you stay completely calm, and soothe the child while you hold them( reassure them that you live them, are there with them - no talking about what brought the explosan.

amother

Silver

Tue, May 16 2017, 3:05 pm

The way I view it, is that he did not click with his therapists. I sincerely believe that a therapist who builds on the therapeutic alliance with a child, will have his/her clients wanting to come back.
Except in a case where there is a personality disorder - which a child at this age is usually not diagnosed with yet.
Seems like he does not need a behavior oriented therapist even if you would like his behaviors to change. An object relations therapist who is knowledgeable in dealing with emotions and behavior might really work for him, if the chemistry clicks.

(Signed, a child therapist)

amother

Salmon

Tue, May 16 2017, 3:11 pm

What types of parenting classes or therapists are there for kids like this? (Overly emotional, hair trigger, super sensory that turned behavioral). Ot made no difference, learning self soothing also did not, etc. Not op, just another mother w a child like this.