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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Dh extremely resistant to therapy



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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 7:20 am
The school wants us to see a therapist for my 5 year old daughter's attn issues. Personally, I think it might just be a developmental issue. I would see a therapist just to make the school happy and to look like we care (which we do). However, dh has always been resistant to therapy and his resistance is probably not going to change. Now, we look bad in the eyes of the school and they don't fully understand why we haven't "treated" our daughter.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 8:36 am
Sorry, but the school is right to raise eyebrows.

If you get your DD assessed, and the assessment shows only minor issues that may be a question of maturity, then you can tell the school and get them off your backs.

But if the assessment indicates that intervention is going to make a difference, then refusing to start that process is mean. Because the longer she goes without intervention, the harder her life can get. Every day counts.

It translates as, "DH's opinions and concerns about therapy and assessment are more important than our concerns for DD's future success and happiness."

Which I don't believe you really think or want.

So, tell your DH that just getting it checked out is a necessity, not an option. Schedule the appointment. See what the people say. And take it from there.

I am fed up with these men who deprive children of needed resources to soothe their own egos.
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 8:39 am
amother wrote:
The school wants us to see a therapist for my 5 year old daughter's attn issues. Personally, I think it might just be a developmental issue. I would see a therapist just to make the school happy and to look like we care (which we do). However, dh has always been resistant to therapy and his resistance is probably not going to change. Now, we look bad in the eyes of the school and they don't fully understand why we haven't "treated" our daughter.

Have they provided concrete, factual observations, and if so what are they? Or did they just tell you in general terms your dd has attention issues?
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 9:09 am
She has problems sitting still in class, social problems with friends, cant draw letters in a straight line or recall info that she knows without being prompted a number of times. no aggression though.
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 9:33 am
amother wrote:
She has problems sitting still in class, social problems with friends, cant draw letters in a straight line or recall info that she knows without being prompted a number of times. no aggression though.

Still too general to know if the problem is with your dd or the environment/expectations.

5yos really shouldn't be expected to "sit still in class" even if some 5yos can.

What kinds of social problems with friends?

Not drawing letters in a straight line and needing prompting can both also be well within the range of normal development. Without more details - objective, observable, factual - you don't have enough info to decide if an evaluation is warranted. What's the downside of an eval? Plenty. Pathologizing children unnecessarily can create a feeling of inadequacy or brokenness, needing to be fixed, even if that's never stated or even implied. So while you don't want to hold back on getting an evaluation when it is needed, you also don't want to take a child for an evaluation when it is not needed. These should both be concerns to the same degree.

You need more information from the teachers about what dd's concerning behaviors look like, not an interpretation of what they think the problems are.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 1:00 pm
amother wrote:
She has problems sitting still in class, social problems with friends, cant draw letters in a straight line or recall info that she knows without being prompted a number of times. no aggression though.


My dd had similar issues, school insisted we take her for an eval.

Dd did very well at the eval- her behavior was considered age appropriate. The evaluator made suggestions to the school on easing up on their expectations of dd and to provide more age appropriate classroom setup and other little adjustments that made a big difference.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 1:03 pm
Imho teachers need an evaluation when they're having a problem with a student. Just sayin.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 1:44 pm
amother wrote:
She has problems sitting still in class, social problems with friends, cant draw letters in a straight line or recall info that she knows without being prompted a number of times. no aggression though.


The attention span of an average 5 yo is about 15 minutes. Your mileage may vary. I do wonder whether this teacher took any child development courses in college. I would think that she may have to adjust her own expectations once a professional evaluation is completed. This sounds almost like a child being called out for not coloring within the lines.

Good luck for both you and your DD.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 1:47 pm
yes I love some responses here. dh is saying this for years. we are making every child look bad because we dont have patience for them. educators want easy children and children who dont give them trouble. children must fit in a box. and I think hes right. were not talking about children who have obvious issues. but kids who are young like ops and teachers just dont know what is normal anymore. gazilllion kids are in therapy these days. for no good reason. people today have taken this out of proportion. not saying there is not place for therapy. but common. this is crazy.

yes sure there are kids who seriously need help. I have a child with adhd and is on meds so I know when its needed but I also see when kids need to be told that they are ok and let them mature at their rate.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 3:54 pm
I recently had similar experience with my 5 year old. I did get him evaluated by a developmental psychologist ( evaluation lasted 5h!) and found her to be very informative and insightful. I understand your concern of just labeling a child, however, I feel if you go to a competent evaluator ( someone who has a PhD) they are very hesitant to make a formal diagnosis and at young age and instead will mainly provide recommendations for targeted therapy ( speech, OT....) which I feel any child can benefit from.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 16 2017, 9:12 pm
Unbelievable the conclusions people are jumping to here. Without knowing any details about OP's child you've already decided that the teachers are unqualified and overdiagnosing and all kinds of other things that I don't feel are going to help this situation.

I'm not even clear on what the school is suggesting here - are they asking for an evaluation or to hire a therapist right off the bat? An evaluation would definitely be a more reasonable starting point. If they are asking for therapy and DH is in disagreement, then you should have both compromise on getting an evaluation instead, and let the evaluation results/recommendations weigh in on the therapy decisions.

The things OP says the teacher said do not indicate to me any unrealistic expectations. It is possible that the teacher has unrealistic expectations, but too little detail is given here to judge that. For example, she notes "social problems with friends." We don't know what the specific social problems might be, but if she is in fact having difficulty with friends then that is very significant and warrants at least a closer look to decide if intervention is indicated. She says "problems sitting still" and you're all jumping at how a 5-year-old shouldn't have to sit still, but I'm just noticing that she did not say that she has "problems sitting at a desk for 45-minute periods," just "problems sitting still." I'm visualizing 15 little 4-5 year olds sitting in a circle on a carpet listening to Morah read a simple book with some discussion of the book's content for about 10 minutes. This is a developmentally appropriate activity. You have about 5 kids sitting with rapt attention glued to every word and picture. You have another 5-6 basically paying attention but with some eyes wandering and other normal enough deviations. You have 3-4 kids with wiggly bottoms and hands/feet out of their own personal space, and these kids need some attention to see if they'd benefit from special strategies to make things easier for them. And then you have that 1 kid who literally can't sit, jumps up across the carpet and shouts out or runs around the classroom, and even a reasonably competent teacher is not successful at containing this behavior. I'm not saying this is OP's kid, but imagine this teacher calling the 1-kid's mom or even the 3-4 kid's mom and saying the child can't sit still, would you say "What kind of incompetent teacher are you, you shouldn't expect a 5 year old to sit still, and this must be an issue with how you're managing the class and not with my child."
Anything's possible but I would like to see a little more benefit of the doubt. There are lemon teachers out there but most people are classroom teachers because they have some skills, and most classroom teachers also have a good sense of what's normal to expect of a child in their age group.

I would not have any worries about evaluating a child at this age "unnecessarily." 5 year old children, in my pretty wide range of experience, do not have any negative associations with being evaluated. They don't even know that they're being evaluated. They see it as playing games with a special morah. Adult attention with interesting activities and stickers. They will not be scarred in any way from being evaluated, and then once you have that objective insight then we can talk about the costs vs benefits of therapy if it's recommended.
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