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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Sad friend is conversation killer



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amother
Wheat


 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 1:05 am
Anonymous post in case friend is on imamother.

I have a group of friends and one of them is going through a really hard time in life. We all feel really bad for her. We want to be there for her, listen, sympathize, help. It makes sense that she is absorbed in her situation because it is very consuming so I am not judging her at all. But it seems like every conversation we have as a group somehow becomes about her and what she's going through. Nobody's going to tell her not to do that because we feel so bad for her, but I really miss being able to have lighthearted conversations with my friends. I feel a little selfish and guilty for being annoyed when a friend is obviously having such a hard time but it's really hard for me! I don't think there's anything I can do about it so maybe I just want to tell people in general that if you're going through a hard time, please try to leave a little space for other people to talk about their own lives even if they seem petty.

We can't just get together without her because not only would that be mean but it's like we always meet up with each other in the same places. Things like after shul or when picking up kids from playgroup.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 1:30 am
For your edification and consideration. http://www.imamother.com/forum.....78598
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 1:45 am
The situation isn't the same but it sounds like the other end of the same problem. Like I said I really do feel for her. I just also feel like I need my recreational chatting sometimes. I also have things that are hard for me and sometimes I talk about them, but other times I hold back because I don't think it's appropriate to kill other people's conversations. We're not tactless enough to talk about vacations and sheitels in front of someone who can't afford any, actually we're not the vacation type at all, but we like to shmooze about random things.

The situation is not going away anytime soon and I just don't know where this is going to lead for our group of friends. I'm nervous about losing something that was nice.
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 2:01 am
MagentaYenta wrote:
For your edification and consideration. http://www.imamother.com/forum.....78598


LOL. I was going to post the same thing.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 2:03 am
I try - try very hard - not to be that person.

Sometimes you can't help it.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 9:40 am
Thank you magenta yenta and tigerwife I am the op of that thread and it was so nice of you to be so considerate.
I know it is not me but I just have to say that maybe try to understand what she is going through and maybe give her a few moments to vent and then change the topic.
I know how she feels so just try to give her a listening ear.
Sorry I don't have any other advice.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 10:11 am
I've been in a similar situation, OP. I felt very guilty for getting so annoyed and 'sick' of hearing about her troubles, but I missed just talking about normal life. I didn't want to be a fair weather friend, but I also had typical stresses and issues I wanted to talk to friends about! So I completely understand you.

My advice would be to stick it out for a few more weeks. This is where you can show that you are not only a good friend, but a great friend. She is hurting, as you know. You have been there for her, and sympathized with her, probably past your tolerance point. It seems she still needs some more time- she is in a vulnerable, selfish place, and this is when she needs you most. Keep up the sympathetic ear, even though your brain may be screaming at times "when is she going to get over this?!"

It is okay to try to gently steer the conversation to other topics. Like "Hey Sara; how did that doctor's appointment go?", or "How is your aunt feeling?", and this can hopefully serve as a gentle reminder that her friends have lives, too, and need space to be heard as well.
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 10:59 am
Can you maybe prompt her by saying "how are you feeling today? I've been thinking about you?" Then listen and let her vent.

After she's said her piece, say something like "well, I'm going to distract you from all that by .... telling you the funniest story about...going on about my crazy children who won't stop drawing in the walls/the grocery shopping and errands I need to get done today." Or something like that. And then talk about just normal everyday stuff.

Clearly your friend is in pain, so make space for her to vent and then transition to regular chitchat in a way that shows that you see her pain and are going to give her a break or some relief from her worries by talking about mundane stuff.
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