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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
I verbally abused my child. Please help me.



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amother
Maroon


 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 10:41 am
I am under a tremendous amount of stress. I say this by way of explanation not excuse. To make a very long story short, this morning in response to my daughter physically hurting her sibling and then lying to me about it, I screamed in her face "You're a liar! Get away from me!"

I am so ashamed. I called my child at school and apologize, she did too, and I hope I have not traumatized her. I hope that all my parenting fails through the years do not add up to me being a failure as a mother.

I'm feeling very hopeless right now that I brought a soul into the world just to destroy it. I am terrified that I have caused my daughter a lifetime of problems because of times I have lost control.

I have already been through therapy and I think I have gotten so much better but a total lack of episodes of lashing out is eluding me.

Any help is appreciated. Please try your best to keep in mind that I am extremely fragile right now when responding.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 10:49 am
Hugs, OP. You are obviously aware that losing control like this isn't okay, and you are working to correct it. You apologized to her, and are doing your best, which is all you can do. A total lack of episodes may not be a realistic goal, but if you can minimize them and gain coping skills, then you are doing a great job.

When you are calm, maybe have a talk with her that mommies are people too, and that when you lose your temper she should remember that it's not about her, and that you love her no matter what, and that you are working hard to make sure you don't lash out anymore. And obviously keep up the work (which it sounds like you are already doing) to avoid these episodes.

Do your best to make sure that the rest of your interactions are loving and positive. And don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a failure- you know there is a problem, and you are working on it. That's better than so many other moms out there.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 10:50 am
Good for you that you called her. You are a good parent.
I was hesitant about opening this thread. At the end of the day, who has koach to read about abuse so much? Crying

But. Your story is a bit different. Let me put you in perspective.
Theres a HUGE difference between you and the abusers you are afraid you are;
You question yourself.
You apologize.
You are AWARE.
You are working on it.
You are ADMITTING.

The illusion of a picture perfect non explosive non abusive person is just that. An illusion.
Especially if you were raised with abuse, it's like expecting a child raised in New York to never speak English in his adult life. Crying

Rather than measuring your success by what you are not, applaud yourself for what you are doing right.
Nu? Applause
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 11:02 am
Hugs, OP!

First of all, even though I do not believe in labeling at all, what you said was not that bad, and I am sure your DD realized she did something very wrong, hence the apologies all around.

Secondly, if you want help to get more self control in how you speak to them.....I have one out of 6 who always grated my nerves - different personalities, manipulative etc. - I often did lose it at her, and then hated myself after bc the other kids do not do that to me, and when she was not around I was able to see what was awesome about her and that I love her so much, but the second we were around each other again for more than a couple minutes she'd get under my skin. For yrs I said to myself I must get therapy for how to deal with her (and myself around her) and I felt I couldn't afford it. Well guess what, I couldn't afford NOT to even though my gut told me that even then...

We think she may have also been (s-xually) abused...but now in her mid-teens she is OTD, has a mood disorder on top of ADHD, has turned our home upside down completely, and we are now investing TONS in therapy for us and her for the situation and trying to improve things, but it's more stopgap measures at this point, and while we hope and daven and try massive hishtadlus in changing ourselves, it is possible and even likely that things will never be "normal" again...

Now, anytime I feel like losing it at any of the kids, seeing her/them suddenly gives me superhuman self control I didn't think I had. Because I see in front of me the immediate damage caused. I think if you try to envision that, it may help to have that superhuman self control when you think it's impossible to not ("legitimately" bc there are real reasons) flip at them....
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ChanahR




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 11:20 am
I've recently done some research on abusers, their characteristics, and their mind set. You are not an abuser. The one thing that sets abusers apart from others is their mind set of entitlement. Abusers feel like they are entitled to abuse their victims. Like they are justified in some way. That is not the case here. Guilt will hinder your process. The Yetzer Hara disguised as guilt will keep you from getting better, strengthening your relationship with your children, and feeling good about yourself. I speak from experience. The one thing you can do is keep an open discussion with your children about your struggles. Let them understand their mommy as the multifaceted person that she is. Your daughter has already forgiven you.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 4:22 pm
Thank you everyone.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Tue, May 23 2017, 4:26 pm
Omg! Op I am like you. I was in a very difficult situation not long ago and I have more then one child with issues. One of them that was very hard turns out ADHD and is on meds and doing so much better. Don't knock yourself. We're human we all lose it. And yes the fact that your regretful shows your not abusive. I used to think so too that I'm abusive. No no. You are trying to control yourself in difficult situations. And that is super hard. I can only speak for myself. How hard it was and why I lost it. I knew then that I was not acting like myself. Difficult circumstances make us lose it before we have a chance to breath. Yes sometimes we are in such difficult circumstances we don't have time to process and take time to breath before reacting.

Praise yourself for the good you do. Your a good mother! May you shep a lot of nachas!
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amother
Brown


 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 5:43 pm
Kids are resilient - one incident is unlikely to ruin them. We've all had times when we lost it and screamed at our kids, even screamed things that were harsh. That doesn't make us all abusers.

Sit down with your dd, apologize again, and she will get over it and move on.

I also recommend that you keep working hard on yourself, as it sounds like you've been doing. Don't be afraid to go back for a few sessions of therapy during a stressful time in your life.
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