Having more kids than you feel ready for

amother

Seafoam

Tue, May 23 2017, 9:31 pm

I ask this question in a completely non judgmental manner, as I am truly just curious and want to understand. This question is for those of you who have more children than you can manage/too close together/etc.

How does that happen? I've heard people say that people don't realize they have a choice, don't think about it... and it's so hard for me to understand that, that I want to understand. Maybe because I have so few and each one had to be thought about carefully and because of life circumstances I don't see myself being able to have more, which is very sad to me. And all around me I see people struggling to manage with large families that they almost seem not to have wanted, so I'd love to hear from those of you who have mentioned things like that. Can you explain how the whole family planning (or lack thereof) works in these cases?

I truly apologize if I come across in any way as anything but openly curious and wanting to learn.

amother

Slateblue

Tue, May 23 2017, 9:39 pm

Usually its failed birth control.

Sometimes its being able to handle 3 babies but not 3 preschoolers. Some mothers have an easy time when they are all small so why not go for more, and don't realize it will be harder when the kids are bigger plus a new baby.
I had an easier time with my 3 under 2 1/2 yrs than when they were bigger.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, May 23 2017, 9:48 pm

amother wrote:

I work with families that have 10+ kids and they're not managing and I just don't get it. Would love to hear from any of those moms if you're on here!

They told you they're not managing or you came to your own conclusion?

I personally don't feel I'm able to have so many, but I definitely don't judge those who do. I think it's beautiful to have a large family if one is up to it.

amother

Silver

Tue, May 23 2017, 9:51 pm

I am going on 8. I generally cope well and don't feel like I cant handle it (I'm more a calm type person, a little mess doesn't bother me etc so I don't particularly feel like you're talking about me). I was born with a happy, grateful disposition bh which is very helpful.
that said, kids each come with their challenges. I have had longer and shorter breaks between my kids depending on what was happening at the time. my first three are very close together and then it got difficult so I waited til they were all toilet trained til I had another baby. by then I discovered my 2 oldest had medical issues that needed attention so I took care of that for another few years and held off on having more babies .... I had good days and bad days. once it was generally under control, I had another 2 more. my feeling is that I do want a big family - please g-d everyone will turn out healthy and mentchlich but I feel like kids are a major investment for the future (generally speaking) I come from a big family and today my siblings are my best friends. (of course, as kids we fought like cats and dogs) I want to be surrounded by lots of people and family members and I want the kids to have each other as they grow up. b'h we are doing well and I don't think you mean me, but this is just one perspective...

cnc

Tue, May 23 2017, 9:53 pm

amother wrote:

As I mentioned on other posts: I have family members with 10-13 kids . They're managing beautifully (or they seem to be at least). They're very happy with their choice.( Note that it WAS a choice.) It probably also helps that they have 13 kids in 24 years as opposed to 13 kids under the age of 14.

I don't think those are the people that the poster is addressing.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, May 23 2017, 9:53 pm

amother wrote:

Referring to those who are not managing and often are therefore coming to me for help. This is definitely not a judgment, just something I seek to understand better. And all I've really heard is speculation from others in my field and would love to actually hear from these people themselves but can't really ask straight out. And there are people on this site who seem to be in that situation as well, so I'm hoping to become more enlightened.

amother

Beige

Tue, May 23 2017, 9:57 pm

amother wrote:

Beautiful post.
I come from a family of three and currently have three. I always look at larger families and think how beautiful it is that the siblings have each other and that the parents have their kids by their side!

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like I'll be having a large family, because to put it simply I'm not cut out for it and I was finally mature and responsible enough to come to the conclusion that this is what I need to do for my mental health. I'm relatively young and my children are spaced but I think I'm done (or nearly done)

I envy those with large families that manage .

amother

Pewter

Tue, May 23 2017, 9:58 pm

amother wrote:

Its a different perspective. Not, how can I justify having another child now, but rather...is there any really pressing reason for me not to. and just because someone feels ready before they become pregnant doesn't mean they will not become overwhelmed with an additional child.

This is what happens to me, but my kids are 3 years apart, so I don't think waiting will help and I want kids. It's an investment in my own future (and present! I love my kids we have an amazing life together bh)

amother

Teal

Tue, May 23 2017, 10:07 pm

I'll bite. Im op of failing miserably thread.

#1 happened 6 wks after my wedding.
#2 I had 2 yrs later. I thought bc was for serious mental or physical issues. I didnot know its for im x sure abt it...

Thanks to imamother I learned bc is more accepted at least until baby is 2. So I took a little break but felt like I had to get off bc when baby was 2 cuz both were same gender so no peru urevu yet. (btw I didnt get a heter for this reason. Rav said 3 mnths spermicide and I needed more security than that . Just did it on my own)

After this one was gonna do an even longer break but got pregnant while nursing clean. I hadnt expected that at all because of how long I nursed clean with the others. I had a difficult pregnancy and went on longterm bc immediately after.

amother

Azure

Tue, May 23 2017, 10:28 pm

I have 9 children, spaced 2-3 years apart, ranging from 21 to infant. At different stages of my life I probably would have fallen into the "not managing" category. The thing is, those stages were all temporary. Now we're in a managing-very-well-thank-you stage. We were finally able to get out of our tiny apartment, moved to a different city and bought a house. I went to school, got a degre and now have a well-paying job BH, all while having babies before, during and after school. Our youngest was born (surprise pregnancy) after our move. If I had decided after 2 kids or 4 kids or whatever number that I was "done" I would have missed out on a lot of joy. Yes some kids are more difficult than others. I now have 1 child in his 20s, 3 teenagers, 2 preteens and 3 little ones. I am really enjoying the mix and the perspective that comes only from having weathered many life challenges. I feel more secure than I have ever felt in my life.

gold21

Tue, May 23 2017, 10:49 pm

amother wrote:

With just three kids, KA"H, you have accomplished just that- your kids B"H have each other, and you, the parents have three beautiful children by your side Tongue Out

KA"H Ad Meiah V'Esrim Shana. No need to be envious.

amother

Peach

Wed, May 24 2017, 12:55 am

OP, could you define a little better what you mean by "not managing"? I am a single mother of 2 kids. B"H I have family support and am able to give my kids a happy and stable life. They are functioning amazingly well, happy in school, really well-adjusted - B"H a hundred times. But, if you ask me if I am managing I would say no, and I do reach out for help, perhaps the type of help that you give to other "non-managing" mothers.

Why would I say I am not managing? Because I sleep very little, have way too many responsibilities for one person, and feel constanly exhausted and burnt out. But the bottom line is that my kids are happy and well cared for, and that I know that this is temporary. Sure, I would be "managing" better if I didn't have kids, but I figure the stress I am dealing with now is worth the long term benefits.

Now, of course there are much more extreme types of "not managing," and I can't answer your question with regards to those cases. But I do think that there is a level of "not managing" that people are willing to accept because they want children.

pgk

Wed, May 24 2017, 1:13 am

I'll echo some of the above- yes there are days (ok maybe even most days) when I lose it at times. I BH have 6 children the oldest whom is 12, I work almost full time and have no family nearby. Some days I think to myself it would be selfish for me to have another but the truth is life comes in stages. Yes, right now life is extremely hectic, but my children will not be toddlers, preschoolers, infants etc forever. IyH these children will grow up and while each new stage will bring along new challenges I do not think I will be in this "not managing" stage forever. And I really can not imagine the baby I have now being my last (I literally feel a pit in my stomach every time the thought even enters my mind).

On a separate note I know more than one person with "only" 1 child who is also not managing...

amother

Gray

Wed, May 24 2017, 1:51 am

pgk wrote:

At least the parents realize that they can't handle more and stop. The issue is when there are parents as you mentioned above, who are not managing with one, who keep on having more.