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Where did my DS go?!



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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 6:02 am
My son, 5, was the happiest, most confident kid around with beautiful middos. I got comments from teachers and friends about his middos, how he'll help others, and how confident he is. He was also extremely non-agressive, to the point that me and my husband were commenting that he had to learnt to stand up for himself. Then we moved to Israel and I expected a hard time and did everything I could to prepare and help him with the adjustment but now I realized that he is simply not the same kid anymore.

He has no confidence. He immediately reacts to everything very aggressively. He has always been very stubborn but now I am butting heads with him every time I turn around. His immediate reaction to things I ask is no, then he'll stop to think about it. He is constantly hurting me (for some reason, specifically me, although he does sometimes take it out on others). He loves his cheder and teachers. I am taking him to play therapy because of his difficulty with the adjustment.

He never had problems at bedtime because he needs his sleep but recently he won't stay in bed not matter what I do. I tried just taking his hand, walking him back to bed, and leaving him there but he won't walk with me. I end up picking him up, carrying him in as he kicks and scratches, and then leaving him crying saying I hurt him. He still won't stay in bed. He only ends up going when my older DS goes to bed and if my husband lays with him until he falls asleep.

Both me and my husband have really done our best to stay calm and positive with him. I now want to sit with him, plan a bedtime routine, and explain a real consequence that with be carried out if he does not stay in bed. What can the consequent be? Going to be early does not help because he doesnt' stay in bed anyway and carrying him back to bed leaves him crying that I hurt him, which I dont want him to feel?

Where has my happy confident child gone????
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hila




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 6:05 am
Are you sure he is happy in gan? does he understand what is going on? Does he have friends to play?
Is it possible that someone is hurting him or bullying him?

Play therapy sounds a good idea.
Hatslacha
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Abby2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 6:12 am
Agression and fighting sleep are both signs of anxiety.
I would check it out. It could be situational as he has had so many big changes in his life.

Good luck!
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 8:29 am
I don't think he needs structure and consequences. He needs you to help him with his underlying unhappiness, which likely stems from anxiety. How is the play therapy going? It sounds like you need to be meeting with a therapist on your own too, to learn how to be compassionate and respond appropriately to his needs.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 9:12 am
I'm so sorry for you.
I understood from the thread title that your son left to an unknown place. I was so alarmed.
I'm happy you have him with you. He's young enough and he will hopefully acclimate to the change.
I also agree with the poster about checking out someone teasing abusing or mocking him.
Hatzlucha
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 9:50 am
Out of sheer curiosity, what posessed you to move to Israel
Was it money , a job, family, a spiritual pit of gold at the end of the rainbow

I'm not trying to be argumentative or confrontational. But I have read numerous stories here and spoke to many ppl in real life

Many articles say that if yiu are going to do it, go when you're children are under 3 or adults and yet so many families just keep going with disastrous results
What is the incentive..
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 9:56 am
amother wrote:
Out of sheer curiosity, what posessed you to move to Israel
Was it money , a job, family, a spiritual pit of gold at the end of the rainbow

I'm not trying to be argumentative or confrontational. But I have read numerous stories here and spoke to many ppl in real life

Many articles say that if yiu are going to do it, go when you're children are under 3 or adults and yet so many families just keep going with disastrous results
What is the incentive..


How do you think your comments are going to help OP now? IMHO, that was a rude and insensitive thing to say.

Tons of people make Aliyah with kids, FOR their kids, and have a good assimilation. Just like you only hear about bad marriages in certain forums, you only hear about parenting problems in certain forums. That does not mean that everyone has the same experience.

By your logic, no one should ever get married or have kids either. I mean, what's the incentive? What ever possessed you to think such a thing? Don't you know that marriage and kids are full of so many problems?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 10:02 am
OP, are you in touch with any other Anglo moms in your city? Are there other Anglo kids at the cheder? Your DS is probably overwhelmed by the language issues, and possibly lonely for other kids to talk to.

Kids to tend to get tougher when they move to Israel. They learn to push in line, talk back, and stand their ground. Many kids take it too far at first, as they're getting the hang of it. It will take him a while to learn just how far he can push before it's considered rude. It's a very different culture.

I think that art and play therapy are great places to start. Encourage him to draw pictures of "happy places" and "sad, or scary places". The results should be interesting.

When DD fought me on bedtime, I made a deal with her. If she got up on time, dressed herself, and was at the table for breakfast without a fight, then she could set her own bedtime. If she was cranky, fell asleep in class, or argued with me, then I would set the bedtime. After some experimenting on her part, she started putting herself to bed an hour later than usual, but was extremely responsible in the mornings, which was a huge help to me. She loved being a big girl, and earning a privilege, and that went a long way to building her confidence.

Edited to fix typo.


Last edited by FranticFrummie on Wed, May 24 2017, 11:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 10:06 am
I don't think thats a fair analogy FF

Should you get a drivers license and drive very safety.
Or can you get in a car and drive at 16 and speed, ignore most of the traffic laws on a joh ride

Thousands of kids do that and live to tell about it, including dh ..

There is an intelligent way to do everything
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amother
White


 

Post Wed, May 24 2017, 11:08 am
it seems that your child needs some extra tlc. maybe take him out, spoil him a little bit and give him some personal one on one time and maybe he will open up if something else is bothering. I found at times when my kids were going through hard times the extra attention and one on one time did a lot for our relationship and we were able to get through the challenges in a better way.
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