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Forum
-> Pregnancy & Childbirth
-> Baby Names
amother
Ruby
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Wed, May 24 2017, 2:00 pm
My husband's grandfather passed away a few years ago, and since then, every boy born in the extended family has been named after him.
I am due with a baby boy iyH in a few weeks, and am really struggling. On the one hand, we really loved my husband's grandfather, and it would be a real zechus to name after him. On the other hand, his name is my brother's name. I know there's no halachic issue, and in many families it's absolutely normal to have uncles and nephews share the same name. But I have a tiny family, and the thought of calling a child by my brother's name is unsettling. I know I should probably get over it because it would mean a lot to my in-laws, but even though I've been grappling with this for weeks now, I'm no more comfortable with the idea.
Any advice?
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miami85
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Wed, May 24 2017, 2:03 pm
I have nephews with the same name as my brothers--the names came from the other side. My daugther's name is the same as my sister-in-law (but she goes by the nickname version and my daughter is the actual name). Doesn't bother us.
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glamourmom
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Wed, May 24 2017, 2:04 pm
would a different nickname make you feel more comfortable?
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amother
Slateblue
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Wed, May 24 2017, 2:12 pm
I have the same issue.
My grandfather was niftar a few years ago and almost every grandchild has named a son for him. He had the same name as DH's only brother and I have become reconciled to the idea that I will never name my own son in his honor.
Another issue is that my other grandfather who was niftar more recently had the same name as my FIL. Since we're not Sephardic there is no chance that I will be able to name after him either.
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lfab
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Wed, May 24 2017, 2:13 pm
I agree with you. I would not name my child the same name as one of my siblings. My husband doesn't see what the big deal is but to me it's weird.
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Chayalle
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Wed, May 24 2017, 2:24 pm
I don't think there's any problem per se with giving the name. In fact, I have several siblings who gave their kids my name. I take it as a compliment . And one of my girls has the same name as DH's sister (but not named after the same person).
I think what matters is how you feel. If you are not comfortable with it for some reason, you need to understand why so you can make a choice that you are happy with.
Do you like the people who have this name? Is that a factor for you?
Can you add a name with it or a nickname, to make you happier?
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amother
Ginger
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Wed, May 24 2017, 2:34 pm
I wouldn't be a consideration for me.
Sure, it's nice to have unique names to my family, but it would never be a reason for me to not name after a grandfather. If anything I would be bothered that all my nephews had the same names, but I would do it anyway.
That's my answer because you asked for thoughts. But, it's your baby, your choice...
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amother
Puce
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Wed, May 24 2017, 2:53 pm
when I was pregnant with my oldest considered naming my son after the grandfather I took care of butmy in laws told me they didn't want me to ever name my children the name of there sons. I am upset about it because my brother in laws have very common names and all the names that I want to give I can't. I can understand not naming the same name if the brother was sick. but To have the same name I can't
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amother
Cyan
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Wed, May 24 2017, 2:57 pm
I'm probably in the minority - but I think its weird when all male cousins born within, say 18 months of each other, are given the same name.
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doctorima
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Wed, May 24 2017, 3:01 pm
I understand why it's uncomfortable and not ideal, but giving what's involved and at stake, I would find a way to get over my discomfort and go ahead and name for the relative.
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Iymnok
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Wed, May 24 2017, 3:11 pm
Would talking to your brother make you more comfortable with the name?
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amother
Wheat
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Wed, May 24 2017, 3:46 pm
amother wrote: | I'm probably in the minority - but I think its weird when all male cousins born within, say 18 months of each other, are given the same name. |
Yes, and my brother who was the youngest of the male cousins who all had the same name grew out of his babyish nickname but has had a very hard time shaking it off because the other options "belong" to others in the family. I feel like where you already share a last name, you lose an element of identity when you share your first name too. But then our last name wasn't Cohen or something equally common- I can see how others might feel differently based on different circumstances.
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agreer
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Wed, May 24 2017, 5:13 pm
Yes, you should get over it.
As you said: there's nothing wrong with it, and it would mean so much to them. So you feel weird now, in theory? Most likely, you'll get used to it.
It's important to note: things that are theoretical can bother you way more in theory than in actuality.
You can always do a different nickname.
Good luck.
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amother
Royalblue
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Wed, May 24 2017, 5:24 pm
amother wrote: | when I was pregnant with my oldest considered naming my son after the grandfather I took care of butmy in laws told me they didn't want me to ever name my children the name of there sons. I am upset about it because my brother in laws have very common names and all the names that I want to give I can't. I can understand not naming the same name if the brother was sick. but To have the same name I can't |
It is known that the naming of a child is ruach hakodesh of the parents. NOT the grandparents. It is the parents responsibility and right to choose a name without any interference, including from immediate family.
I've named my children first after grandparents. My husband and I were each close to our grandparents. Who cares if a brother, or BIL, or cousin has the same name. I did it to honor them.
As a side point, the surviving GP has such nachas every time the child is called by that name.
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amother
Cyan
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Wed, May 24 2017, 5:31 pm
amother wrote: | I know I should probably get over it because it would mean a lot to my in-laws |
I would do it if it meant a lot to my husband.
Your in-laws already have other grandsons with this name. Would they be 'hurt' if you don't use it, or 'neutral'? Clearly they would be happy if you do.
If you do decide not to use the name, I would suggest naming after someone else dear to you. Don't mention the concern with using your bother's name to your in-laws.
This said - if this is a kibbud Av v'Eim issue for your husband - that's a serious and import factor.
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SixOfWands
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Wed, May 24 2017, 5:45 pm
agreer wrote: | Yes, you should get over it.
As you said: there's nothing wrong with it, and it would mean so much to them. So you feel weird now, in theory? Most likely, you'll get used to it.
It's important to note: things that are theoretical can bother you way more in theory than in actuality.
You can always do a different nickname.
Good luck. |
I respectfully disagree.
There's nothing wrong with her naming her child after this grandparent. But there's no obligation, halachically or otherwise, to do so. Her husband's grandfather passed away some time ago, and has had at least a few babies named after him.
OP, is there someone else as to whom you can make a really good argument there should be a name. "Of course we loved Grandpa. And such a z'chus to have 5 great-grandsons named after him! But we realized that great-uncle Shloimy doesn't have anyone named after him, and we just felt that it was time."
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amother
Turquoise
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Wed, May 24 2017, 6:13 pm
amother wrote: | My husband's grandfather passed away a few years ago, and since then, every boy born in the extended family has been named after him.
I am due with a baby boy iyH in a few weeks, and am really struggling. On the one hand, we really loved my husband's grandfather, and it would be a real zechus to name after him. On the other hand, his name is my brother's name. I know there's no halachic issue, and in many families it's absolutely normal to have uncles and nephews share the same name. But I have a tiny family, and the thought of calling a child by my brother's name is unsettling. I know I should probably get over it because it would mean a lot to my in-laws, but even though I've been grappling with this for weeks now, I'm no more comfortable with the idea.
Any advice? |
I'm a grandmother who was very hurt when not one but two grandchildren were not named after my close relatives. I did the best job I could to hide the fact that it mattered so much to me. I didn't say anything to the parents or to anyone else. I told myself that it's the child's parents who choose the name and did my best to get over it. Of course I love the grandchildren in question!
It's going to be your choice what name to give, but there's something you can do that will make things easier if you choose not to name after your husband's grandfather. I think it will help your in-laws a lot if you're able to let them know in advance so they won't have a shock at the bris when they hear the baby's name. If you give them a chance to settle the idea in their minds ahead of time there's less chance they'l feel upset.
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amother
Ginger
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Wed, May 24 2017, 6:44 pm
SixOfWands wrote: |
Her husband's grandfather passed away some time ago, and has had at least a few babies named after him.
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OP can obviously choose what she wants, but just saying, 18 months is still pretty fresh in everyone's minds even if there are other babies with that name already.
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SixOfWands
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Wed, May 24 2017, 6:50 pm
amother wrote: | OP can obviously choose what she wants, but just saying, 18 months is still pretty fresh in everyone's minds even if there are other babies with that name already. |
The OP wrote:
Quote: | My husband's grandfather passed away a few years ago |
So I'm not sure where you're getting 18 months.
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amother
Cyan
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Wed, May 24 2017, 6:53 pm
amother wrote: | Who cares if a brother, or BIL, or cousin has the same name . |
OP cares, that's why she's here.
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