Not using name because it's a siblings name

singleagain

Wed, May 24 2017, 7:09 pm

I second the poster who said you should talk to your brother... See what his feelings on the matter are, and maybe if he is fine with it, that will ease your feelings.

And if your brother isn't ok with it...or you still don't feel right. Talk to grandma, if you can, or the in law who's parent it is. Explain your feeling and see if they have a solution.

Personal story. My grandfather passed away when I was 14. I promised myself I would name my first son after him. When I married I realized I was losing second name bc it was same as husband. And when talking to husband he was against it bc his uncle has same first name (both English and Hebrew) I was insistent that it wasn't the same he was still against. I spoke to aunt, wife of uncle, and she said it was not a big deal and when time came she would stand with me. ...never had kids and got divorced...but learned that talking to those who it affects can be surprising.

amother

Lemon

Wed, May 24 2017, 7:49 pm

I have a few kids with same names as my siblings and my sister has the same name as my mom's sister, so it was so normal, it was how I was brought up.
I think you should speak with a rav regarding this. The end decision will Be yours anyway, but you will feel happier about what you decide.
We haven't always asked a rav, but we did numerous times about different things, ex. Adding a second name, etc and it really made me feel much happier about our choice.
My niece has the same name as me, but is named after her great grandmother. It's a family name by them. To me, its totally normal.

amother

Ruby

Wed, May 24 2017, 10:01 pm

Thank you everyone.

My husband's grandfather passed away almost three years ago--we just haven't had a baby since.

I'm pretty sure my brother wouldn't mind. It's more like it feels very weird to me to call a child the same name I call my brother. It's not that I think it's an ayin hara or anything. Just in my extremely small family, any name overlap seems bizarre, like someone taking someone else's identity.

agreer

Wed, May 24 2017, 10:54 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I respectfully disagree.

There's nothing wrong with her naming her child after this grandparent. But there's no obligation, halachically or otherwise, to do so. Her husband's grandfather passed away some time ago, and has had at least a few babies named after him.

OP, is there someone else as to whom you can make a really good argument there should be a name. "Of course we loved Grandpa. And such a z'chus to have 5 great-grandsons named after him! But we realized that great-uncle Shloimy doesn't have anyone named after him, and we just felt that it was time."

This is something, sadly, that is neglected by the "it's your baby" people.

There is a halachic obligation of kibbud av v'eim. The husband in this scenario can honor his parent by naming after his grandfather.

I know I've quoted the source elsewhere on this site. I can't find it now, but it is clearly stated in the sefer "The Fifth Commandment" which is all about kibbud av v'eim.

DISCLAIMER: It's a HUGE pet peeve of mine when people don't honor their parents this way, assuming the name is commonplace.

cnc

Wed, May 24 2017, 11:04 pm

amother wrote:

I'm probably in the minority - but I think its weird when all male cousins born within, say 18 months of each other, are given the same name.

I also don't like it, especially when they have the same last name and go to the same school. It makes life confusing.

amother

Navy

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:06 am

amother wrote:

I'm a grandmother who was very hurt when not one but two grandchildren were not named after my close relatives. I did the best job I could to hide the fact that it mattered so much to me. I didn't say anything to the parents or to anyone else. I told myself that it's the child's parents who choose the name and did my best to get over it. Of course I love the grandchildren in question!
It's going to be your choice what name to give, but there's something you can do that will make things easier if you choose not to name after your husband's grandfather. I think it will help your in-laws a lot if you're able to let them know in advance so they won't have a shock at the bris when they hear the baby's name. If you give them a chance to settle the idea in their minds ahead of time there's less chance they'l feel upset.

Or they will use the time to try to sway (aka pressure) you.

amother

Brunette

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:11 am

agreer wrote:

So you're all for kibbud av v-em, unless you aren't. I say this as someone who has an ugly name because her parents wanted to respect their parents.

Yes, you can honor a parent by naming after a grandparent. But you don't have to.

salt

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:13 am

Everyone who is saying "it's your baby you can name him what you want" is missing the point.
OP doesn't know. She wants to name after the grandparent but it will be weird to use the same name as her brother. That's all.

I like the idea of possibly adding a second name or using a nickname. When your baby is born, be"H, and named X, you can start calling your brother Uncle X. Or call your baby X Junior, just at the start, to get you used to the 2 people with the same name.

WhatFor

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:48 am

If you otherwise like the name, does this name lend itself easily to nicknames? Or if your brother uses a nickname, you can call your ds by the full name.
Would you still feel weird about it if your brother was a Yisroel and you called ds Sruli? Akiva -> Kivi? To me those names sound totally different. If you are able to post the name, maybe we can come up with nicknames.

amother

Ginger

Thu, May 25 2017, 6:15 am

amother wrote:

So you're all for kibbud av v-em, unless you aren't. I say this as someone who has an ugly name because her parents wanted to respect their parents.

She clearly said it if it is a usual commonplace name.

amother

Brunette

Thu, May 25 2017, 7:02 am

amother wrote:

She clearly said it if it is a usual commonplace name.

Exactly. So she reserves the right to decide when a name preference overrides honoring parents. So now it's just a question of where to draw the line. Weird name or sibling name.

essie14

Thu, May 25 2017, 7:08 am

My SIL's grandmother had the same first name as me. When my niece was born my brother and SIL asked me if it was OK if they named their baby after her grandmother - it didn't bother me all that much and I knew it would mean a lot to my SIL to name for her grandmother. My niece and I have different middle names (although not used much).

yo'ma

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:08 am

amother wrote:

I'm probably in the minority - but I think its weird when all male cousins born within, say 18 months of each other, are given the same name.

I'm curious since you specifically said male, how do you feel with female cousins with the same name?

amother

White

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:15 am

I have a son with the same name as both my brother and brother in law. (My husband and I both have a great grandfather with the same name). They are both calledx by nicknames. Think one Avrumi and one Avi. So we call our son Avrohom. We asked them both first and they were both terribly flattered.
I thought it would be weird with my brother, but that was fine. My bil ended up being weirder in a jokey way. I would say Avraham Schwartz what didi you do, and he'd say "nothing". Those kinds. But we got over it.
Re naming after grandparents unless it's a weird name,n ime itKs a very slippery slope. My fil's mother had nonstandard name that I would never give as a first name. But he refuses to acknowledge that it's a hard name to give. So siblings have named Esther Tzeitel and called kid Esti or Nechama Tzeitel and called Chumi. (Tzeitel is not the name just another nonstandard name) and my fil keeps on grumbling that Tzeity is such a cute name why can't anyone just call that. And the one child who is called Leah Tzeitel and goes around with both names my fil shows such obvious preference that it's obnoxious.

agreer

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:11 pm

amother wrote:

Exactly. So she reserves the right to decide when a name preference overrides honoring parents. So now it's just a question of where to draw the line. Weird name or sibling name.

Yep. I'm all for honoring one's parents when it's feasible. I also have a less-than-common name, so don't think you're the only one.

Because I made an exception, you are taking it to the extreme, as in once you make an exception, you may as well not even have a rule... Sorry, but that's ridiculous.

If the name will cause HARM to the child b/c it's not commonplace and people will make fun of him, that's a really big deal. I totally get that.

However, so, so many people have named their children the same name as their sibling's because it's a family name. So many people. This is NOT the same as having an unusual name. Therefore, the OP, IMHO, should get over it, because no one is going to make fun of her child for having the same name as her brother.

I get that it's difficult for her because she has a small family. But she did come to this site to get advice, and this is my advice. I think that she's building it up in her head and that once she names the baby, it won't be a huge deal.

dancingqueen

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:16 pm

In my world, in which families may generally be smaller than in ops, having a bunch of first cousins with the same name would be a bit odd. And once a grandparent has a namesake that name is basically taken, and the honor has been given. So I'm validating op that I would feel uncomfortable giving the name in her situation as well.

amother

Cyan

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:31 pm

yo'ma wrote:

I'm curious since you specifically said male, how do you feel with female cousins with the same name?

I suppose the same. When I wrote it I had a few families in mind - and it was boys.

I understand it - especially when its siblings all naming after their parent.

I'm now curious if this is a 'modern' phenomenon. For those that have extensive family trees - do you see this happening in generations past? I don't see it in my tree.