School doesn't like dh dress

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 9:36 am

I send my daughter to a school. She is in kindergarten and bh very happy. I pay full tuition. It's the school I went to...my siblings are still there...I even gave the rabbi a brocha under my chuppah.
I took my daughter this morning and the proncipal opened the door for me. She told me everything is good bh. But we have to talk we like when the fathers have a more by type look. Then she tells me that maybe he can change a bit how he dresses when he comes to the school. Etc. I said he does property management and this is how they dress. Dh dresses well honestly. She said colored shirts are ok but his pants are tight and he should wear a hat to school functions...(he has never ever been to a school function)
Dh is a tiny skinny guy and can't wear other pants besides slim fit as they swim on him and he looks horrible. He dresses usually in a colored button down shirt...freshly pressed. Sometimes a t shirt. She said maybe when he picks her up he should call and they will bring her to his car...I pick up almost every day unless I can't and he helps me by coming home earlier straight from work and getting her for me.
She wants to make a meeting....she says we will work something out...dh will take it BADLY.
don't know what to do...

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 25 2017, 9:48 am

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I don't come from those circles, and I can never understand why schools police the parents over such petty things.

Internet and TV I can understand, because kids will talk about it to each other. Pants??? I just don't get it.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. 99 times out of 100, it's the mothers they go after. Shirt too tight, sheitel too long, colored nail polish, etc. The mothers always cave in quietly for the sake of the children.

Men don't play like that. They're not going to go down without a fuss. Maybe if enough people said "Enough!", the school will realize which side their bread is buttered on when parents pull their kids out and switch. (Yeah, like that will ever happen. Confused

)

Sorry if I'm not being helpful. These things make me angry and cynical - and I have a rebellious streak against stupid rules.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, May 25 2017, 9:58 am

I consider it a breach of tznius for a woman to comment on how tight someone else's husband's pants are. Also, I want to vomit from your story. Sorry, I have no real advice except I guess you should conform if you like the school enough.

SixOfWands

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:00 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

)

Sorry if I'm not being helpful. These things make me angry and cynical - and I have a rebellious streak against stupid rules.

Except it sounds like its not coming from the school but, rather, that other parents have complained.

Usually, when schools demand that (usually women, as you say) dress in a certain manner, its everywhere, and its purportedly to visually demonstrate that they identify with a certain hashkafa.

Here, though, the school pretty clearly doesn't care how he dresses, except when he's at the school. And they're willing to accept a work around -- stay in the car, we'll bring your kid to you.

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:04 am

Thanks. I am just annoyed because dh tries so hard and is such a great parent. I mean like come on....his pants?????? Dh wasn't so excited about sending here in the first place...but dd is soooo happy and I feel so comfortable there. I dont know of any other school to send to....I don't like the other schools in town.
I don't think they will kick me out. I think dh will grudgingly just say he will try to work on things...however he will always be upset over it. It's pathetic to make a drink over it. He is not a yeshiva guy and never will be. She told me that He doesn't need to dress yeshivish...so not sure what they want.

mummiedearest

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:05 am

SixOfWands wrote:

it's unlikely that parents complained. this is standard treatment of mothers in certain schools. many mothers only dress a certain way at pickup. op, I suggest you tell the principal that if she has an issue with your husband's mode of dress, she should discuss it with him in person. I bet she won't have the guts to do it.

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:09 am

amother wrote:

Ok here. Me too. I think if they have an issue.. call us down together before telling me in the hallway in front of dd and others. She told me maybe don't tell him. I don't want it between ur shalom bayis. We will speak nicely and work it out....I feel like she will try because honestly if she loses me she loses my 2 sister's and 6 cousins and we have all graduated the school and my parents have been honored as parents of the year....they really support them.

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:11 am

mummiedearest wrote:

She has no problem with my dress....I told her straight out he has to dress a certain way for work (it's dirty work...he won't wear dress pants) and he probably won't change. She lost one of my cousins last year over a dumb thing also....

mummiedearest

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:13 am

amother wrote:

I get that. I meant that the complaint about your husband likely comes from her, not other parents. this kind of treatment is usually standard for mothers in these schools. I always took issue with these schools, the admins never seem like great role models when it comes to bein adam l'chavero.

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:22 am

mummiedearest wrote:

It bothers me also because I send my son to a school that is more yeshivish. I know it is more yeshivish then I wanted but I had no choice. They NEVER EVER have looked at mine or dh dress. They r so nice. Even dh loves the school. If they would tell him something I would think he would listen way more than this school....he feels vwry comfortable when he walks in there even though most fathers wear black pants and white shirts.

Learning

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:28 am

You are the school donors obviously. It is understandable that they will have issues with the way parents dress. Both parents. Idk what type of school it is but it makes sense to me! The way you dress says a lot about you. The school don't want to loose its donors but they do have a guideline to follow. You treat dh like a child. You are afraid he is going to be insulated. But he must know what type of school it is and it's too bad if this is going to be the last straw that will make him want to switch schools. Usually schools let their donors get away with a lot that regular "" people don't ....but it looks like your dh does not really like this school ideology.

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:35 am

Learning wrote:

You are the school donors obviously. It is understandable that they will have issues with the way parents dress. Both parents. Idk what type of school it is but it makes sense to me! The way you dress says a lot about you. The school don't want to loose its donors but they do have a guideline to follow. You test dh like a child. But he must know what type of school it is and it's too bad if this is going to be the last straw that will make him want to switch schools. Usually schools let their donors get away with a lot that regular "" people don't but it looks like your dh is not really like this school ideology.

I am not the school donor at all...and do not get away with things others dont. Dh dresses the way lots of other parents dress. The school is a very drum but working crowd. I pick up every day and I see how others dress. They knew exactly what type he was. He did not wear a hat to the interview and we spoke about it. The principal knows me and my family well....he fits into this school just as much as some other schools. (I didnt want some other schools for completely different reasons but dress has NEVER EVER been an issue for us anywhere)

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:56 am

marina wrote:

Quote:

She said colored shirts are ok but his pants are tight

Sorry, what? What?

I just can't. Burst out laughing in the office just now.

Just be like "What can we do. Some men are just well endowed. It's really a problem."

Pathetic. What's should he do? Buy the next size and have them fall down??? He is a skinny guy...he has to wear slim or they look pathetic on him....

marina

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:59 am

amother wrote:

Pathetic. What's should he do? Buy the next size and have them fall down??? He is a skinny guy...he has to wear slim or they look pathetic on him....

That's also how I would present this to him. Sweetheart, your equipment is too much for the ladies, what should we do?

Laiya

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:00 am

This is so beyond over the line inappropriate. First of all, no meeting.

I'd either, completely ignore the principal and if she asks again about a meeting just say No, you and dh won't be participating in a meeting. Or, if she brings it up again and you have the guts, tell her that you're surprised she'd be discussing your husband's clothes and you feel uncomfortable having this discussion with her (implying that it's inappropriate / not tzniyus, which it is imo).

If you want to take it up a level, and your parents are donors, maybe they can make a ph call to a board member. Or if you or dh have any friends on the board, call them directly.

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:09 am

Laiya wrote:

Thanks. I just don't know what to tell dh. He will be so upset and embarrassed. It's so not him. He dresses how he likes and always looks nice and neat. I want to bring it up and see what to do but right away he will rant and rave how he is pulling out. If I pull out I have nowhere to send(at this point)
I know so many ppl who are not in school yet for next year as schools say there is no room. I don't want to stoop to begging for a slot somewhere and I have no school that I particularly want anyways.
She is soooooo happy here.
Also I don't think it's their business...honestly I have so many other things to deal with besides how he dresses (which has never ever ever been an issue anywhere)

dancingqueen

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:15 am

amother wrote:

But isn't it considered normal in these circles for a rabbi (man) to call out a mothers dress for not being tznius enough?

This is a different twist, usually it's the moms dress that the school complains about.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:17 am

amother wrote:

Thanks. I just don't know what to tell dh. He will be so upset and embarrassed. It's so not him. He dresses how he likes and always looks nice and neat. I want to bring it up and see what to do but right away he will rant and rave how he is pulling out. If I pull out I have nowhere to send(at this point)
I know so many ppl who are not in school yet for next year as schools say there is no room. I don't want to stoop to begging for a slot....

Best case scenario is I just don't have him ever go to the school....

You shouldn't be the messenger here. You aren't your DH's secretary. Let the school contact him directly - this is between him and the school. And the person meeting with DH should be a man.

Yes DH will be upset. But I bet DH will eventually become rational and reason that pulling out of the school is not a solution - since there is nowhere else to go.