Am I missing something here?

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:06 am

My 1st grade son is wild, disrespectful and disruptive (at home and school). He misses out on a lot of things at school because he is constantly getting punishments for his behavior (he tells us about this when we ask him about his day). He is constantly joking around in class and creating disturbances. His main teacher told my husband that he is challenging and that the substitute teacher that comes in twice a week is having an exceptionally difficult time with him.

So, my husband made a 'brilliant' deal with my son. He told him that if he behaves 4 times for the substitute teacher, then he will get a special treat/ trip. (and my son has been managing to keep to this for the most part- so I know that he CAN)

But I didn't know the details of this deal- and so today when my son told us that he got a few warnings and a punishment from his main teacher, I responded by saying "what a shame, I guess that means that you missed out on the treat". At which point my husband responded- " "no, because he behaved for the substitute teacher". (and then I realized that my son always makes note of the days that the substitute teacher will be coming because those are the only days that he needs to behave!)

I was in complete shock and got very angry. I could not believe that my husband would set up a system that teaches my son that he only needs to behave for certain teachers. What type of message does that send our son about respect? To me it's like me telling my son that he only needs to respect me (but not my husband).

My husband doesn't see the problem with this and is saying that if he's also misbehaving for the main teacher, then we should set up another reward system for that. Seriously?

Chayalle

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:12 am

Your husband actually is brilliant. He has set up a system that is realistic for your son, which in turn will teach your son a bit more about his own capabilities. He got him to behave for the substitute teacher. Behaving all the time likely would have backfired, because quite possibly, it might be too much to expect from him right now.

If your son is having such ants in his pants, have you considered having him evaluated?

amother

Yellow

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:13 am

I made a similar deal with my fourth grade son. He wasn't misbehaving at the same level as you are describing. Just may call out an answer/talk during class. I made the deal that if he behaves the whole day he will get a treat that day. but every day and not just a specific teacher. He doesn't always deserve to get the treat. But there was a remarkable improvement in his behavior.

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:14 am

1. Your son needs help. No kid wants to be "bad," he's clearly missing skills. He needs to be taught those skills. Maybe speak with a therapist?

2. Never undermine your husband.

3. Absolutely makes sense to break down the expectations so they're manageable for him. If that means focusing on his behavior during one class at first, so be it.

4. Again, it sounds like you really need external guidance.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:27 am

amother wrote:

ok I don't think we need to get completely carried away here re #2. I am human and so is my husband who does not agree with me from time-to-time.

My issue with the set up is that he only needs to behave for one of his teachers- It would be understandable to me to take it one day at a time perhaps as the previous poster stated (vs a long period of time) but making it about one teacher over another does seem to be sending a message that I don't agree with. Every teacher deserves respect.

lifesagift

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:32 am

ur husband has a point. Ur son knows he should behave but being a bit of a rebel he refuses to. Ur husband is making a deal with him, literally bribing him to behave. Not everyone is a fan but it's a system and it works as long as he knows ur husband will keep to his word and not change rules the way ur inclined to do. He's a child and still molding his yetzer Tov. One day he'll make u proud, but please be patient. Nobody can completely turn around a rebellious child overnight. U should have a lot of nachas

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 25 2017, 11:36 am

Does your DH have issues with ADD? He may have some insight about how your son thinks, and what his struggles are.

I absolutely agree with you in principle, but your son may just not be at that level.

I highly recommend that he get evaluated for ADHD, and that BOTH of you look into some basic parenting classes.

Not because either of you are bad parents, but because challenging kids require an extra set of tools in your parenting toolbox. Let someone who's BTDT help you, so you can learn from their experience. There's no need to reinvent the wheel.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, May 25 2017, 12:08 pm

Seems that my issue is being misunderstood.

I am all for giving children small and reasonable goals that are achievable. I also realize that we sometimes need to set up a reward system to motivate our children. My problem with the set up that my husband created is that my son ONLY needs to behave for one teacher (but not the other). And in fact in my son's mind, on the days that he has the main teacher, he has full permission to misbehave. So obviously my husband's deal is faulty because it sends a distorted message.

I don't think it's realistic for my son to manage to cooperate all the time every day, but I believe that the motivating system should NOT depend on the teacher that is in the room.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, May 25 2017, 12:20 pm

myym wrote:

I think OP you don't want to hear what everyone is saying. We hear your concern, however given the story you provided it isn't as awful as you think. That is what the posters are saying.

No what I understand the posters saying is that my husband did the right thing to give my son a reasonable goal- and that is not what I have a problem with. My problem relates to the details of the goal which I can't imagine is actually a healthy message for a child. Perhaps I need to ask the experts!

Chayalle

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:14 pm

You mentioned that the substitute teacher found him especially difficult, so your DH set up a program whereby he has to behave by the substitute teacher. I think that's reasonable.

Beyond that, of course you should make it clear to your son that misbehavior by ANY teacher is not acceptable. However it wouldn't make sense to make a prize contest for that, since it probably would be unrealistic and would fail. You need to understand why your son feels the need to act out all the time.

mha3484

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:16 pm

The explosive child is really good but if there is an underlying issue with poor impulse control that needs to be addressed first.

In my personal experience with my 6 and a half year old, he liked the idea of problem solving but in the actual moment he was too impulsive to implement whatever we talked about days before. Now that we have made progress with the self control part, I find the book has really helped him communicate and he is becoming such a self aware child who is really in tune with his feelings.

crust

Thu, May 25 2017, 10:45 pm

amother wrote:

No what I understand the posters saying is that my husband did the right thing to give my son a reasonable goal- and that is not what I have a problem with

Your husband did the right thing. What bothers me is the rage towards him that comes through in your post. As you put it; 'brilliant'. It seems sarcastic.
I understand that it's hard to face the reality of a challenging child. We all though we'll have only 'normal' children at first. But life learns us a little something. More acceptance=less rage. Less rage=a healthi'er' child.

amother wrote:

My problem relates to the details of the goal which I can't imagine is actually a healthy message for a child.

for a regular child who is not struggling this is indeed not a healthy message. But you're clearly stating that your son is wild and had difficulty behaving. I'm sure you understand that he needs a different strategy. Try to soften up a bit.
It is impossible to ask so much from them at ince. The goal is to make the goal tid bit sized so the chold gets to feel satisfaction that he can acheive.

amother wrote:

Perhaps I need to ask the experts!

Please do!

Hatzlucha

imasinger

Fri, May 26 2017, 8:20 am

I agree with other posters.

Behavior analysts will tell you - if there are multiple problems, start by picking the one you most want to fix, and go from there.

Your DH chose the worst behavior, and is getting it to stop. He is helping your DS build a habit of behaving in class.

And he has said he will extend the deal to the regular rebbe.

I can understand your point about singling out teachers, and can agree that ideally, there should have been a reward system in place for all classroom behavior, maybe with more points awarded when there was a substitute, since that might be the more challenging situation. But in the grand scale of things, it's a relatively minor quibble.

Most important to remember -- according to most chinuch experts, a child must believe that his parents are on his team, and that mussar is done with love and kindness.

Please get this child evaluated.

And read a bit more about the techniques for helping him. "Parenting the Difficult Child: A Nurtured Heart Approach" would be helpful for both of you.