Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
What do I do about this bully?!



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Wine


 

Post Wed, May 31 2017, 3:17 pm
I live in an area where all the kids play outside together in a small cul-de-sac. A few weeks ago, another kid from a few blocks over started playing around here also. I noticed he was a tougher kid and generally kept my DS age 8 away when possible.

About 2 weeks ago my son came home crying because all the boys were waiting outside the shul together as davening was over and this other boy came over, took off DS's shoe and pointed out to everyone that it has a large hole in the bottom and showed them all how it smelled. He then pulled on DS's sock and made a large hole in the toe. DS was extremely embarressed and told me that he didn't want to look at this boy ever again and was going to stay away from him. We discussed how he felt and the conversation was over.

Tonight, as my son was going to bed, he started crying again and told me that for the past 5 days he couldn't fall asleep at night because he was thinking about this boy. Apparently the other boy kicked another, younger friend twice in the eye and is constantly hurting and bothering the other boys. DS was very upset and told me that tomorrow he is going to talk to the other boys mother, who DS really doesn't know at all. He told me that the embarressment from the shoe incident still feels as if he was hit 20 times and that he'll never get over it.

What do I tell my son?! I will sit outside the shul whenever my DS is out there.

PS. This is an area where the kids are extremely independent and are given a lot of freedom within boundaries and the kids do live up to their parents expectations. Please do not start telling me that I should never let him outside alone. 3 year olds are outside alone in front of their houses here.
Back to top

LisaS




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 01 2017, 3:50 am
You must speak with the boy's parents. It is their responsibility to take it from there and make sure it doesn't repeat. You can then make your son feel safer by letting him know that you told the boy's parents and that he will be accountable.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 01 2017, 7:42 am
LisaS wrote:
You must speak with the boy's parents. It is their responsibility to take it from there and make sure it doesn't repeat. You can then make your son feel safer by letting him know that you told the boy's parents and that he will be accountable.


THIS, 100%. Some rough words and some pushing around is normal for boys, but actual harm and humiliation is beyone the realm of acceptable in any community.

Those parents need a stern talking to. Since a boy is the one doing it, maybe DH should go over there and have a few words with the boy's father.

I've deal with this before, and the other parents will almost always brush off an "overprotective mother who is just blowing things up", but they will almost always respect a man.

I noticed in neighborhood scuffles, when the father comes out to deal with it, the kids stop immediately, and stare at the ground like it's the most fascinating thing in the world. There's no back talk from the kids, and the other parents listen like he's an authority.

When the mom tries to break it up, "she's just being a b*tch." (Misogyny, yay! Rolling Eyes ) The best you can hope for, is for them to tell you "You just don't understand boys."
Back to top

mirror




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 02 2017, 12:06 am
Kicking in the eye is illegal. Tell the victim's parents to call the cops and make a police report.
Back to top

amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Fri, Jun 02 2017, 12:35 am
OP... so sad. I think I live where you do ... and it hurts to hear this happened to your child... Many things have happened to my child too and he is the nicest kid... It is simply heartbreaking that Jews can act that way at any age. Some pushing around can be attributed to boys being boys, but this is not "just boys being boys"... it is children acting like Esav and Yishmael... What can I say ... parents have to teach their children something... Kids are a mirror of the family and unfortunately this is the world we live in now.

IMHO.. I would tell your son that he is a fine, good, wonderful, smart and kind boy, but the boy who did this cruel humiliating act is NOT well, not well emotionally. Just like people have physical sicknesses, some people have emotional sicknesses/a disease that can hurt other people. Tell him that HE did NOTHING wrong.. and nothing to deserve this at all... AND in fact these bullies usually like to attack the nicest people.

Also, teaching him some self-defense is a good thing I think... like Karate type thing... maybe..

I am sorry... as I am so fed up with these things myself, I would do EVERYTHING.. talk to parents, ... police.... whoever I need to in order to STOP this abomination.

I feel so much for you and your boy. My heart is breaking about these things going on...
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:52 am
This is an interesting example of how Anti-Semitism can actually be for our good. Hear me out.

In my old community (in a super liberal town) there is a lot of anti-Jewish and anti-Israel activity. All the Orthodox synagogues have been attacked at one time or another. Now there are off duty police officers paid to stand outside the front doors of the shul.

DD loves cops, and she would hang out with them during services and kiddush. The bullies never dared come near her!

A solution might be for you to contact the parents of the other victims, your shul rabbi, and board of directors. If everyone pitched in just a few dollars a week, you could have a security guard - and protect the shul at the same time.

If your community is afraid of police, there are private security companies as well. My old community chose to have a good relationship with the police. When the police got to know us as people, they were more involved in investigating crimes in our community. We were no longer brushed off. Win/Win!
Back to top

amother
Wine


 

Post Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:47 pm
amother wrote:
OP... so sad. I think I live where you do ... and it hurts to hear this happened to your child... Many things have happened to my child too and he is the nicest kid... It is simply heartbreaking that Jews can act that way at any age. Some pushing around can be attributed to boys being boys, but this is not "just boys being boys"... it is children acting like Esav and Yishmael... What can I say ... parents have to teach their children something... Kids are a mirror of the family and unfortunately this is the world we live in now.

IMHO.. I would tell your son that he is a fine, good, wonderful, smart and kind boy, but the boy who did this cruel humiliating act is NOT well, not well emotionally. Just like people have physical sicknesses, some people have emotional sicknesses/a disease that can hurt other people. Tell him that HE did NOTHING wrong.. and nothing to deserve this at all... AND in fact these bullies usually like to attack the nicest people.

Also, teaching him some self-defense is a good thing I think... like Karate type thing... maybe..

I am sorry... as I am so fed up with these things myself, I would do EVERYTHING.. talk to parents, ... police.... whoever I need to in order to STOP this abomination.

I feel so much for you and your boy. My heart is breaking about these things going on...



OP here,
A while has past but issues like these keep coming up. Amother who posted this, if you see this, could you tell me how you deal with these? If you actually live where I do I would love to hear what rules you have for your own kids and how you enforce them when others around you don't have those rules and/don't always watch their kids and see what is going on?
Back to top

marina




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 29 2017, 3:50 pm
The good news is that this is not a group of kids ganging up on your son. It is one kid harassing a group, which is MUCH easier to end.

The easiest- and safest - way to end this is for the boys to laugh at the bully and walk away. For that to happen your son needs to stop being embarrassed and start feeling bad for the loser who has no social skills and start answering back.

For example, if the boy takes your son's shoe and makes fun of how it smells and the hole in the sock, your kid should smile and say - "woo hoo this is the latest smell, it's called Eau De Shoe and you're just jealous cause you don't have any," and then he should turn around and walk away with the other kids. Alternative statements include:

* I'd rather have a messed up shoe than messed up middos
* I can get new shoes, but I dk if you can get new social skills
* We don't need to hang out with you, we have better friends
* Best of luck to you with making friends

Importantly, you don't wait for a response and don't ask a question. You make the statement, smile, and walk away, do not look back.

It will get worse for a bit, and then end completely. Faster if he has the rest of the group with him.
Back to top

marina




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 29 2017, 3:52 pm
My kid was once in the middle of a bullying situation and I saw her get dressed one day into all purple and green. I asked her what she is doing and she said, "well they're making fun of me because they said I'm a grape, so I'm wearing green and purple today." She said it with a smile and ran off and that bullying situation didn't really last long.
Back to top

marina




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 29 2017, 3:54 pm
This story wasn't my kid, but a friend of hers.

Someone was making fun of this girl for being friends with a neb and said, "if you're going to be friends with her, you can't be friends with me." This kid, who was maybe 7 or 8, responded with "that's fine, because I don't need you - I have other friends who don't decide who I should be friends with." And then she walked away.
Back to top

ProudMommie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 29 2017, 4:03 pm
I see your reasons for not saying where you live... However, it would be very helpful for those of us who are suffering from bullying here in the holy land, in the holiest city on earth if you called a spade a spade. This is really painful stuff and it gives me chizuk to see this thread and to see other mothers so broken up about it.. Though of course I am not chas v'shalom happy others are suffering with this situation.

It has nothing to do with speaking loshon hora ab our beautiful, wonderful land, but about a problem that we have to deal with. And if anyone is like me, she is having a difficult time reconciling it with the place... .

I think bullying happens everywhere. However, there are places, like the one where I live where it is accepted because "boys will be boys" BUT how???? How can this be ok?? it is egregious behavior, completely unacceptable... I have so much pain that it goes on... what is the solution?? Is it worse here.. because there is so much kedusha?? Can anyone comment on this... I actually wanted to start a thread of my own on this very topic, but I did not want to state explicitly what was going on...

How do you deal with it?? What is the solution? Besides karate... which is also a good thing...
Back to top

amother
Wine


 

Post Tue, Aug 29 2017, 4:15 pm
ProudMommie wrote:
I see your reasons for not saying where you live... However, it would be very helpful for those of us who are suffering from bullying here in the holy land, in the holiest city on earth if you called a spade a spade. This is really painful stuff and it gives me chizuk to see this thread and to see other mothers so broken up about it.. Though of course I am not chas v'shalom happy others are suffering with this situation.

It has nothing to do with speaking loshon hora ab our beautiful, wonderful land, but about a problem that we have to deal with. And if anyone is like me, she is having a difficult time reconciling it with the place... .

I think bullying happens everywhere. However, there are places, like the one where I live where it is accepted because "boys will be boys" BUT how???? How can this be ok?? it is egregious behavior, completely unacceptable... I have so much pain that it goes on... what is the solution?? Is it worse here.. because there is so much kedusha?? Can anyone comment on this... I actually wanted to start a thread of my own on this very topic, but I did not want to state explicitly what was going on...

How do you deal with it?? What is the solution? Besides karate... which is also a good thing...


First of all, I actually wanted to send my boys to learn karate but I don't thinks its totally accepted here and I wouldn't know where to send them.

Besides that, another huge issue is for myself. What boundaries do I set for my kids? I'm trying really hard to find a normal balance between over-protective and free-for-all. I end up really self-conscious when other people think my kids are too free, on the other hand, my kids are extremely responsible and independent and I want to give them age appropriate responsibilities. But I can't base on the people around me because there are such extremes here. I really don't want my kids to be the ones doing the bullying!
Back to top

amother
Wine


 

Post Tue, Aug 29 2017, 4:16 pm
marina wrote:
My kid was once in the middle of a bullying situation and I saw her get dressed one day into all purple and green. I asked her what she is doing and she said, "well they're making fun of me because they said I'm a grape, so I'm wearing green and purple today." She said it with a smile and ran off and that bullying situation didn't really last long.


OP here.
Marina, your daughter sounds amazing! I wish my DS would do that but I don't think he has the guts to, even though he's not an insecure kid.
Back to top

Boca00




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 29 2017, 4:51 pm
I feel for you, this is so so hard to have to go through.

Can one of the fathers talk to the boys about sticking together and sticking up for each other so noone gets hurt?

Like Marina said, the bully gets his power from the bystanders. Even if the boys aren't brave enough to say these lines (though practice may help), a whole group of boys rolling their eyes and walking away from the bully should send him the message really fast.

And teaching your son basic self defense will give him confidence and valuable life skills (even if its just kicking and punching and getting out of holds etc correctly- you can prob find YouTube videos for yourself if you cant find anyone to teach him).
Back to top

FaygieofLA




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 29 2017, 5:35 pm
Lot's of good advice here.

to that point...be very proactive.

get the parents involved. let them know. most of the time, that will fix things.




amother wrote:
I live in an area where all the kids play outside together in a small cul-de-sac. A few weeks ago, another kid from a few blocks over started playing around here also. I noticed he was a tougher kid and generally kept my DS age 8 away when possible.

About 2 weeks ago my son came home crying because all the boys were waiting outside the shul together as davening was over and this other boy came over, took off DS's shoe and pointed out to everyone that it has a large hole in the bottom and showed them all how it smelled. He then pulled on DS's sock and made a large hole in the toe. DS was extremely embarressed and told me that he didn't want to look at this boy ever again and was going to stay away from him. We discussed how he felt and the conversation was over.

Tonight, as my son was going to bed, he started crying again and told me that for the past 5 days he couldn't fall asleep at night because he was thinking about this boy. Apparently the other boy kicked another, younger friend twice in the eye and is constantly hurting and bothering the other boys. DS was very upset and told me that tomorrow he is going to talk to the other boys mother, who DS really doesn't know at all. He told me that the embarressment from the shoe incident still feels as if he was hit 20 times and that he'll never get over it.

What do I tell my son?! I will sit outside the shul whenever my DS is out there.

PS. This is an area where the kids are extremely independent and are given a lot of freedom within boundaries and the kids do live up to their parents expectations. Please do not start telling me that I should never let him outside alone. 3 year olds are outside alone in front of their houses here.
Back to top

ProudMommie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 30 2017, 1:19 am
Op (wine amother),

It sounds like we may live close to each other in the same community...J-lem. Our sons are the same age and my son would love to meet new friends who have derech eretz and are not rough/bullies, etc. He is a very interesting, smart child k'ah who is also a good friend, I think.

If you are interested, please pm me.

I am all for mothers uniting and creating safe play spaces/times for our children.

Otherwise, it is a very sad story because until Mashiach comes (I'H very soon!!) our children will suffer from this terrible plague of chutzpah and nastiness ... If they have good friends and other children who are not like this, do not bully, do not suffer from these nebach bullies, and do NOT stand idly by as others are bullied, then we will have done our very BEST to raise our children to be good, strong, and loyal Jews.
Back to top

amother
Salmon


 

Post Wed, Aug 30 2017, 1:52 am
Have you spoken to the bully's mother? As you said, your ds is young, he needs her mother to protect him. It is very very difficult for a young child to stand up to a bully.
Back to top

smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 30 2017, 6:20 am
This bully needs serious help.
He's crying and screaming for people to notice him and give him some reaction.
Poor kid.
Who knows what his home life is like.
Reaching out to the police or to the principal of his school may help a lot! The parents may then be forced to put some things in to place, hence helping both the bully and the victims.
Op your son is so brave for sharing it all and opening up so much with you.
You ound like such a good caring mum that understands him so well. Keep boosting him and reassure him that you are doing all you can to put a stop to this.
Back to top

Shoshana37




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 30 2017, 7:39 am
We recently moved to the new neighborhood and few frum boys joined my kids and started to play with them. Few times my 8 year old daughter would come inside the house crying and complaining first two months I ignored then I realized I have to talk to the mother however I was embarrassed because after all we are new on the block and wasn't sure how she would react or handle it.
So one day I was spying from the window on our kids who starts it, turns out my daughter was right these boys would pick up the tree branches and hit the girls. So I right away came out and told them that's not nice.
Next day same thing except this time I came out with box of ice cream and called all the kids to have some while they were eating it I told them stories about bullying. BH since then no more fights and bullying.

Fast forward to now, I just found out from another neighbor that those kids father is a drug attic and the wife is going through a lot. I'm glad I didn't approach her then and handled it myself.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Dc growing into being a bully?
by amother
2 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:26 pm View last post