Dh didn't learn Torah

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Jun 01 2017, 11:36 pm

I keep wondering, what's my part of this whole... equation.
Dh was planning to stay up a little (at least, that's what he told me) but then cited stomach cramps and went to bed immediately after a short meal. I tried not to convey disappointment and told him that if he isn't feeling well, maybe it's best to go to sleep so that tomorrow he'll feel better.
Whatever. I'm also tired of hearing things like all fathers and husbands stay up to learn.
And when I read all the stories and articles of the importance of Torah learning I feel hopeless and want to cry. Because he doesn't learn.
I tell him sometimes how much it means to me that he listens to shiurim on his work commute. But I so wish he'd be able to open a sefer too.
Yes so he claims he was traumatized I'm yeshivah from the scrictness towards learning. But I feel like why are you allowing some people that acted wrong take Torah away from you?
Do I make sense?
So please don't tell me anything like, it's not your business it's between him and God etc.
It just is painful... Can anyone relate?

amother

Black

Thu, Jun 01 2017, 11:40 pm

I can relate. My DH is just not interested. But on the other hand, there is more to it than just learning. He hates being frum. He hates Shabbos, yontifs. Just goes through the motions to keep the peace. But it doesn't work.

amother

Maroon

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 12:23 am

I hear your sadness about this issue and have been there. It is very important to NOT pressure him about it and NOT make it a big deal. It is also important to DAVEN and cry to Hshem -- the gate of tears is always open. Smile

It is very likely to pass if you do these things...

Also, helps if you listen to shiurim at home or whatever, ... learn also.. whatever you are interested it... but NEVER pressure him or suggest that there is anything wrong.

Unfortunately, some places make Torah learning like learning biology or astronomy... there is no real kedusha, or yirat shamaim....and it can turn someone off..

we are also living in VERY hard times...

Hshem should answer your tefillos.

amother

Seashell

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 12:36 am

OP it sounds like he doesn't find joy in learning. Can you try to put yourself in his shoes and maybe feel compassion for his rough experiences? That should help you to stop being upset at him.

Practically speaking, maybe there's a particular Rav or speaker or topic that he can connect with more than gemara? Ex. chumash / navi / mussar / halacha / Rebbe Nachman etc.

amother

Goldenrod

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:27 am

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Have been there too and it is very very hard. I can really understand how you feel. It's not easy to come to terms with. But you can see for yourself that there's no choice but to swallow your disappointment.
Nothing will make you feel better but your working through it to accept. It's not easy.
I wish you loads of strength.

amother

Ginger

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:33 am

I started davening really hard that dh should lern. I said the whole sefer tehilkim in shavuos. I learnt beforehand. I have a hope that if I am closer to hashem it will shine on him

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:44 am

OP, does your DH enjoy reading in general? If not, he may have dyslexia. If there is an actual learning disability going on, would it make it easier for you to accept him?

Listening to Torah is the same as reading, it's just a different learning style. You could support him by making sure that he had an hour of quiet time every day, with no kids bothering him, where he could just listen to a podcast of Torah.

It is SO hard being one of the "people of the book", when you can't read!

I'm just assuming that DH might have dyslexia. There's no way I could tell you for sure. I just know so many wonderful, smart, and wise men and boys, who find picking up a sefer to be pure torture. They learn, they understand, they LOVE Torah! It just took finding the right way to reach them, and a lot of patience from their loved ones.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 5:39 am

I can relate. Dh's big problem is with davening, so I'm thrilled he recently started going to a pickup Maariv minyan he found every Motsei Shabbos. I know he's going mostly for the social aspect but I also know he's makpid not to talk during davening, so the socializing is why he goes a little early. He also takes our preschooler to shul twice on Shabbos, for the singing Friday night and for a little while in the morning.

As to learning, I think he (my dh) has some degree of ADHD that prevents him from concentrating on something that doesn't really interest him. Shavuos I don't expect him to stay up all night- trust me, not all men do. Some need their sleep. Unless there's a shiur nearby on a topic I know he'll be interested in, I sit and learn something of mutual interest with him. Maybe it would be ideal if every man could sit and learn gemara easily, but learning mishna and chumash surely count as limmud Torah and listening to recorded shiurim must too.

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 5:55 am

There was a really interesting article in the Shavuos mishpacha on balebatim having difficulty to learn, with several suggestions for these men to feel like they also deserve a chelek in the torah. It was an eye-opener to me, since I can now tell my husband "You deserve to make the torah yours, it was also given to YOU on Har Sinai". Without pressuring. My DH is a baal teshuva who spent only a few months in yeshiva and now has a very demanding job. If he had the basic gemore skills, he would be able to open up a sefer and learn a bit after work. But to shlep out to a shiur or chavrusa after coming home from work at 8PM is not working.

So, I don't have a solution, but found the article very inspiring!

Hatsloche!!! Hug

Iymnok

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 6:02 am

There is a tikkun leil shavuos. It's the first and last three psukim of each parasha and sefer of nach. Some continue it into the mishna and gemara, even zohar. DH says it takes him about three hours. It requires no preparation nor skills other than a basic hebrew reading. You can find it in the Artscroll Shavuos machzor. Likely also in sefarim stores before shavuos.
Way less intimidating than learning when you never learned how to or really don't enjoy it.

amother

Periwinkle

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 10:43 am

I'm chasidish and dh said from his chasidish Dayan that learning on shavuos is even less then a minhag. He finds it disturbing that men learn all night then don't show up for Kira's shema and don't Daven that is deoreisa. And then get nervous with their families because of a lack of sleep.

Most people cannot survive like this and get irritable. It's nice if you can do that. But nothing to feel bad if you don't. Dh went to sleep normal behaved normal. And I know he did what he could. He does have a form of undiagnosed dyslexia so learning inside is harder for him. But he still did what he could. I don't nag him at all. I love him for who he is.

He's erlich and does the best he can. Op don't judge your dh. It's between him and Hashem. As long as he's erlich. What more can you want.

And what others say, that if it's that important to you deafen to Hashem.

If you find Torah inspiring them listen to shiurim. He will get inspired too.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 11:21 am

amother wrote:

Thank you... I try to daven I should daven more... I love listening to shiurim and learning.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 11:23 am

amother wrote:

I feel very bad for him, he had really tough experiences in yeshivah. But kind of feel like don't let some mashgichim take Torah away from you...
I can't ever bring it up to him he hates it.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 11:25 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

This was a great viewpoint I kind of wish was true! He loves reading. Has something against learning Torah in a sefer.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 11:29 am

I read the whole thing in the mishpacha. That's wonderful- but it's for men who want to learn. Dh should read it, he doesn't like reading magazines though, maybe they're too inspiring.
He won't learn with me. I cant bring it up because he'll tell me to stop making him crazy. I shouldn't dare buy him a sefer as a gift- I tried that once. An exciting thrilling novel rather.
Thank you all for the kind and understanding words...it feels better to know I'm not alone in this... I do appreciate him for what he does but somehow these yamim tovim like shavuos, simchas torah... make me feel sad like there's a whole world out of my reach.

animeme

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 11:52 am

Think about getting a subscription to AlephBeta. This is Rabbi Forman's website. He has video shiurim that can be very in depth, about tanach topics mainly. I find with some men, they don't connect to gemarra but do better with tanach. The videos aren't him talking, but graphics, but definitely work for adults. You can also just listen without watching. You can watch a certain amount free each month (maybe half an hour?) If you want to check it out. You can get it for yourself and mention it to dh, and if he's interested, it's there. If not, you have it 😊.