PSA please compliment all of my children or none at all

mha3484

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 10:34 am

Ugh. This is a vent and PSA combined.

I have three boys 6 1/2, 2 1/2 and 6 months. The middle child has beautiful red curls. I get it, red heads are cute, my husband, brother and cousins all have red hair. Over yomtov all kinds of people kept coming up to me and ds to compliment him. He is two and is totally obvious while my six year old just stands there feeling like a nothing. If you want to compliment my toddler that is very nice of you but please find something nice to say to my older child who is standing right next to me. If that is too much for you just smile, say good yom tov and walk away. These are not mature adults with thick skin they are little kids.

Vent over. Thanks for reading.

amother

Papaya

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 10:42 am

I hear ya. I have a 7 year old girl and an almost 3 year old girl. My 7 year old wears glasses but my three year old doesn't. They both look like my husband with his hazel eyes but my two year old gets more compliments since without glasses it's more noticeable. When people compliment her and my 7 year old is around she's just like wait look I have the same eyes! Ironically enough we have a certain relative who thinks my older dd could be a model and my younger one is just cute Wink

amother

Lemon

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 10:46 am

I totally get that. I have 4 daughters and they look regular except my second who is very beautiful. I never know what to say when she gets compliments in front of my oldest. I'd rather people didn't say anything to be honest. Each one has their good points and their flaws.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 10:47 am

Op thanks for alerting us to be more careful. I love to work on myself and now I am more aware of what to look out for. Thank you!

People don't realize. And awareness is what helps alot

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 10:58 am

Excellent reminder! My sister had long wavy brown hair down to her tush. I had a dishwater blonde pixie cut. People RAVED about my sister wherever we went, and I always felt invisible. I think that had a lot to do with why we fought so much.

I have a friend who's son has Autism. He did really well in the school choir. He stood still, didn't fidget, and even tried to make eye contact with the audience. I was so proud of him! His sister is very quiet, and very plain. She's easy to overlook. Whenever someone (like me embarrassed

) compliments her son, she's very quick to add "Thank you, and I think Chana did a brilliant job as well. She has a very nice voice." She said it nicely, but there was definitely an edge there that got the message across.

So, the same thing goes for special needs kids. Their siblings need to know that THEY are "special", too!

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 12:45 pm

I have a sister that whenever I compliment DD2, she whispers now say something you DD1. As I pointed out to her when I compliment DD1 she never says say something to DD2. They are closer in age.

Here's my perspective, it's ok for younger sibling to have more attractive color hair than you. This is a skill for older sibling to learn. I can't control the lack of sensitivity of others, and I never will...especially when my child is out in the big world. But I CAN teach him how to handle it.

So A-does it bother him, or are you projecting and planting these ideas? B-discuss with him, for example... you are talented in block building/have a nice height/giving heart...your talents may not be so noticeable like flaming red hair, however they are a gem even if people don't comment. Mommy knows that and you my DC know it too.

SixOfWands

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 12:57 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Yes, for things over which the children have no control. Eg, hair.

But I respectfully disagree with respect to accomplishments. If Child 1 is a talented pianist, who plays for me, I'll compliment him. I don't then feel its necessary to tell Child 2 that she did something wonderful as well. She gets her compliments when appropriate.

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 1:00 pm

I got that all the time, being the dark-haired sister sandwiched among the blondes. What is it that people have with blondes? Then I got comments when my beautiful dark-haired girls were among their blonde cousins (IMVHO my girls happen to be prettier). It has irked me for close to 40 years!

mha3484

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 1:07 pm

I was complaining about the hair because like sixofwands said you don't choose it. I make sure that all of my kids get appropriate compliments based on age, developmental stage, abilities etc.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:15 pm

Thank you for bringing this up! I was that child. I have 4 sisters who are slim and beautiful. I was always heavier than them and struggled with my weight. People would comment all the time how beautiful each one of them were right in front of me without saying anything to me. It made me feel terrible about myself and added to my low self esteem. People really need to be more aware of what they're saying and how they're saying it. I'm sure this is an issue with boys also.

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:35 pm

I get this all the time. All of my kids except one have white blond hair and blue eyes. People always comment on all the gorgeous blonde and blueness - when my beautiful brown haired and eyes child is right there. It makes him feel so invisible.

I quickly say "yes, but nothing beats these deep chocolate brown eyes" or something like that, to remind the person that my kid is standing right there. Luckily he's a sweet friendly kid so the other parent often is able to quickly step in with a compliment about how nicely he played with or helped one of her kids or something.

kenz

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:47 pm

Totally agree. Several years ago I went to a bungalow colony that had a grocery store. The clerk in the grocery store fell in love with one of my children, to the point that every time she went in to the store she got a little treat. That I let go, because she was usually alone or with a friend who also got a treat. But at the end of our time there, when we went in to pay our bill and say goodbye, that daughter was handed a gift while my other children were completely ignored. It was awful and I would have been much happier had the clerk just ignored all of them.

Simple1

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 4:48 pm

kenz wrote:

Thia goes beyond annoying and seems a bit creepy (although intentions might have been innocent).

sky

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 5:37 pm

yes, One of my daughters has magnificent hair, and the other beautiful - just not striking and unusual.
Everyone goes nuts over the long, curly, thick, multi-colored hair and doesn't comment on the other. I think my daughter is starting to feel it.

amother

Plum

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 5:54 pm

Simple1 wrote:

Thia goes beyond annoying and seems a bit creepy (although intentions might have been innocent).

Wasn't creepy (it was a female clerk) - just really unfair to my other children. And from an adult who should have realized that on her own.