Counteracting the damage I've done by yelling

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Gray

Sat, Jun 03 2017, 8:58 pm

I feel like all I ever wanted was to be a good mother. If it were possible to care too much and to think too much about how it is I could be better, I would be in both categories. But I have faults. I am so insecure in my own abilities because I didn't have great parental roll models so I don't know what normal or good is.

Alas, as I've known all along, I'm a yeller though. I've noticed when I feel I'm losing control of a situation or I see an outcome that will occur that I don't want, I yell. (This is only with family, not with work, or Joe-Shmoe Public. Nothing could happen in those realms that I would deem important enough that I would loose my cool). In the past, I've resolved to stop a million times. Once a trigger gets me though and then another back to back, my resolve just disintegrates and I'm back to square one. My DH is a yeller too and we both know it's wrong and we both resolve to stop but when one looses their cool, the other one invariably follows.

Now my kids are getting older. Guess what? They yell! It is so damaging. I feel so ashamed and unworthy of being a mother sometimes.

What can I do? I wish there were a Yellers Anonymous.

amother

Papaya

Sat, Jun 03 2017, 9:21 pm

I don't believe there is an action you can take to counteract and offset the yelling. For better or worse, the only thing you can do is resolve to stop yelling and really stop. Even if your kids are teens, if let's say you stop yelling today, after a few weeks you can make a legitimate argument that you haven't yelled in x many days, so they shouldn't either yell. As the days turn into weeks and then months, it will get easier as you will grow accustomed to dealing with issues in ways that don't involve yelling. You must convince yourself that in-spite of the fact that you've told yourself many times to stop yelling only to continue to yell, this time it will be different. Sooner than you thing your children will take notice and perhaps will learn from you. Good luck!

crust

Sat, Jun 03 2017, 9:35 pm

I agree with above poster.
The only remedy to counterract yelling is to stop yelling.
I just dont know how you can 'resolve' to not yelling without some real help or a huge motivator like; neighbor calling you what the noise is LOL

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Jun 03 2017, 9:58 pm

Someone recommended: http://theorangerhino.com/ on another thread. There is also a book you can take out (I reserved it at the library). It's written by a mom who stopped yelling. I also have a yelling problem & I'm trying my best to curb my tendency, but am not always successful. I hope to start the orange rhino challenge at some point when I can gain the courage. Hatzlacha Rabba - it is a journey!

amother

Sienna

Sat, Jun 03 2017, 10:19 pm

It has helped me a little to yell, in the middle of yelling at a child, something along the lines of:

"and mom, stop yelling at dd, because yelling is way worse than what she did"

Usually it makes me stop, and hopefully we both laugh.

amother

Lemon

Sat, Jun 03 2017, 10:21 pm

amother wrote:

Hi op, your not alone...
Although there isn't yellers anonymous, there is ragaholics anonymous. Additionally, ACOA, adult children of alcoholics or other dysfunctional homes might be of great help and supper.
I too grew up with abuse and rage, and struggle with raging, and yelling.

I do know that every time I yell I apologize. It's a must for me. Whether it's me yelling at my husband or at my children.

I would love to count days with you for no yelling. If you want to out your screenname, I would pm you...

amother

Crimson

Sat, Jun 03 2017, 11:08 pm

I'm in. LETS STOP THE YELLING

amother

Smokey

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 1:13 am

Resolve is a necessary first step but as you've learned, it is not enough to overcome your yelling. You need a concrete plan for identifying your building frustration or anger before you blow, processing it in a healthy way, and a plan for how to respond instead. Google mindfulness for anger management.

Aylat

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 2:57 am

I love the book Love and Anger by Nancy Samalin which I bought because of my own struggles about how I was expressing anger towards my kids.
It's very much in tune with the parenting philosophy of How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk.

amother

Blue

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 4:13 am

My therapist told me to whisper when I am about to yell or even in the middle of yelling. It surprisingly works. I Am doing DBT and this has also helped me a lot. I learned to notice when I am upset. I learned that the urge to yell is part of the emotion of anger and that you can make choices. Lots of luck.

imasinger

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 4:32 am

I'll chime in one more book recommendation -- The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner.

I grew up in a home with lots of yelling, and it took me a long time as an adult to eliminate it from my own playbook.

Yelling is often the last resort of those who feel powerless. When you are uncomfortable with a situation, and can't do anything to change those feelings, and you feel like you ought to have been able to get others to act differently.

Learning where your real power lies is much quicker at changing the behavior than gritting your teeth (though both strategies can work), because it's self-rewarding.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 4:43 am

You may not be able to undo all the yelling you've done in the past, but the good news is that you can do something BETTER.

This is a golden opportunity to model TESHUVAH to your kids. Apologise. Tell them that yelling is wrong. Tell them you don't want to yell ever again. Ask them for forgiveness.

Keep doing this over and over! You will slip up, because you are human. Keep doing teshuvah to your kids.

I agree that lowering your voice when you feel like yelling will change the dynamic for everyone. Remember, it's easy to tune out someone who's yelling, especially if they're saying the same thing every single time. "Clean up your room! How many times do I have to tell you?"

Lowering your voice forces the other person to listen closely. "Honey, I know you're busy now, but I need your room cleaned up by the end of the day." works wonders.

"What you said was not OK. I'm trying very hard to speak to you in a respectful way, and you need to do the same for me. We agreed to stop yelling, remember?"

Practicing this daily will make the bond between you and your kids stronger than ever before. No family is without conflict. Mature conflict resolution is the glue that holds societies and families together. (Works with marriages, too.)

If the other person, spouse or kid, is being completely unreasonable, DETATCH yourself from the situation. Get some air, make a cup of tea, ignore the tantrum, and then come back as soon as things start to calm down.

BTDT. Be strong! Remember, YOU are the adult here. Claim your power through positive words and actions.

amother

Gold

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 11:20 am

My mom was a yeller. Took her 20 years of therapy and several therapists to stop yelling. But she found the right therapist, and she stopped.

I strongly recommend finding a therapist who can help you with this, for your sake, and for your kids sakes. It can really make a difference.

marina

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 4:28 pm

Counteracting the effects of yelling can be done. It also depends on what and how you are yelling, like if you are yelling GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM or I WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN BORN.

In either case, the remedy is to teach your kids not to yell and to speak kindly even when angry. This is done by role modeling and speaking aloud. Actually saying out loud something like this: "I am very angry now but I am not going to yell because yelling doesn't help. Instead I will breathe in and out and calm down before I decide what to do."

After many times of hearing this, it will sear itself into your children's minds and replace the previous go-to yelling mode that they have now.

good luck!

amother

Gray

Sun, Jun 04 2017, 5:27 pm

Thanks for all the encouragements everybody. I can't share my screen name. I'm just too ashamed. I don't live in such a big place. Probably people already know I'm a yeller. Sad

amother

Gray

Mon, Jun 05 2017, 8:25 pm

OP here. So far, I've managed to go 2 days without yelling. Yesterday I figured was a fluke because not a whole lot happened which would have triggered me. There were a few moments that I ordinarily would have let loose but otherwise able to bypass those episodes without a relapse. Today my pre-teen really tested me with an attitude of her own. But I could easily see how my yelling has affected her.

The trick will be when multiple things are just going on at once and I'm stressed about something not so trivial at the same time. Which way more than I care to think about.

Sometimes my kids are all talking at me all at once. Each one desperately wants my attention and I can't hear anyone or even concentrate it's such a barrage. This is a time I would normally get very frustrated and yell.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Jun 05 2017, 8:48 pm

No fluke. You tried to make a positive change and Hashem helped.

Watch out though, because this is where the yetzer hara will come to try to undo all if your hard work.

amother

Oak

Mon, Jun 05 2017, 8:49 pm

Just want to say, OP, that this thread is really giving me chizuk. I am trying extra hard to refrain from raising my voice and staying calm. Thank you for posting as you are helping others as well.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Jun 05 2017, 8:58 pm

Wow, thank you for sharing op! Gives us chizuk!!
I didn't rage today yay!!

saw50st8

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 5:00 am

Hi OP,

My 7 year old came to me a few months ago and said to me "I really hate when you yell at me" and I've been working on not yelling every since. I find that trying to figure out why the misbehavior occurred and working on that is much more effective for lessening my own triggers.

I really like the book Raising Human Beings which also helped me change my lens of how I viewed my kids misbehavior. Of course, I'm human so I still yell sometimes, but I definitely have stopped yelling most of the time.

Two days is a wonderful start! Good luck.

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