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amother
Chocolate
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 Fri, Jun 09 2017, 3:58 am
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No I didnt settle. He is BH the best thing that has ever come into my life. I love him so so much...couldnt imagine life without him.
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amother
cornflower
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 4:01 am
When I finally met my husband, dated way too many guys before him (Over 50 guys over many years) I knew almost right away that he was exactly what I wanted and needed.
He still is exactly what I wanted but there are things about himself that he hid very well while we dated and even though they are big things that have a big effect on our lives on a daily basis (abusive childhood, mental illness - he is bh working on it all of the time) I still know that he is the one that I need in my life. We are married over a decade and I know that I would 99.9999% choose him again because I know what he brings to my life as well as all of the garbage that comes with that.
(Dont people say that most people, if given the choice/chance, they would pick up their own pekalach among a choice of new ones)
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rabshi
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 4:04 am
| amother wrote: |
Now I'm 3 years after my wedding. My husband doesn't believe me when I tell him what he was like.
He's so embarrassed.
He's a different person now.
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Did the change happen through therapy?
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amother
Cerise
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 6:16 am
Yes he's everything I wanted. But I think we really lucked out, looking back, I don't think I actually knew what I wanted at 19...
I do think he's wonderful but he does sometimes frustrate the heck out of me. And the interesting thing I've noticed is the stuff about him that does bother is actually just the other side of the coin of the things I love about about him.
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amother
Red
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 6:58 am
Khaki - I could have written a very similar post, only I'm 10-15 years behind you and in the early stages of grieving :-(
I would love to get in touch if poss?
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amother
Teal
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 7:10 am
Been married a year. Yes I would say I settled in certain ways . he lacks a depth and intelligence that I yearn for, but bh I have friends for that . He has anxiety which caused him to introduce some chumros to our home which frustrates me. He is very laid back about cleaning up which can make me go insane .
On the other hand, he loves me endlessly no matter what I look like or how I am acting. He is always looking for ways to show me he loves me. We have had bumps this year and each time he has been so willing to work with me to smooth out those bumps and never gets hysterical during those moments like I do. He helps at home usually without complaining and I havent washed a dish since we got married. :-)
So yes, looking at the whole package that makes up dh, I did settle. But if I could do it again, I would settle just as much, because the love and commitment outweighs the flaws.
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Rachel Shira
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 7:15 am
| amother wrote: | Been married a year. Yes I would say I settled in certain ways . he lacks a depth and intelligence that I yearn for, but bh I have friends for that . He has anxiety which caused him to introduce some chumros to our home which frustrates me. He is very laid back about cleaning up which can make me go insane .
On the other hand, he loves me endlessly no matter what I look like or how I am acting. He is always looking for ways to show me he loves me. We have had bumps this year and each time he has been so willing to work with me to smooth out those bumps and never gets hysterical during those moments like I do. He helps at home usually without complaining and I havent washed a dish since we got married. :-)
So yes, looking at the whole package that makes up dh, I did settle. But if I could do it again, I would settle just as much, because the love and commitment outweighs the flaws. |
In my mind this isn't settling. This is marrying a human being, not an angel. Everyone has things about their spouse that drive them crazy.
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watergirl
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 7:40 am
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Those of you who fee they've settled, how old were you when you married? How did you date?
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mommy3b2c
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 7:46 am
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No I did not settle. He's not an angel, but neither am I. We happen to both be human.
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Zehava
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 7:53 am
Weird question. I didn't have a shopping list. I didn't expect perfection. Who am I anyway? All I wanted was to feel safe and not be hurt.
I'd say I got way more than that. I am blessed.
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amother
Scarlet
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 8:13 am
| amother wrote: | My husband is a good, frum sincere person who means well and wants to do the right thing. He's not the most practical or worldly person which makes life more challenging and frustrating sometimes since the burden of dealing with life falls mostly on me. If I could have all of the above in one package I'd take it. However, given the choice between someone with worldly skills vs. middos tovos I would make the same choice again, in a heartbeat.
PS I was 21 then. I saw right away that he was a very good hearted and sincere person and I married him based on that. It took me much longer to realize his incompetence. Yes I did go through stages of grief when I realized that I basically had to be the adult in the house since he'd never be. We're in our 40s now. I've learned to accept him for what he is and we're both a lot happier now. |
I could have written this post. Same age bracket too. When we dated I saw this but I was young and couldn't articulate my exact concerns. I continued dating and got engaged because I valued the kindness and goodness in him.
I find myself cycling though periods of grief and acceptance. Because as we go through life together and enter new stages I have to process the grief that this new thing is something I cannot rely on him for. Although he has grown in this area over our 20+ years of marriage.
I'm not perfect either. But I think when a husband struggles in this area it very much affects the wife because it creates such a shift in the husband/wife roles. We all played house as little girls and those perceptions of marriage roles are reinforced by what we read and see.
Of course marriage roles change for many reasons but when one spouse is not capable of filling his/her role its hard.
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amother
Red
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 8:26 am
| amother wrote: | I could have written this post. Same age bracket too. When we dated I saw this but I was young and couldn't articulate my exact concerns. I continued dating and got engaged because I valued the kindness and goodness in him.
I find myself cycling though periods of grief and acceptance. Because as we go through life together and enter new stages I have to process the grief that this new thing is something I cannot rely on him for. Although he has grown in this area over our 20+ years of marriage.
I'm not perfect either. But I think when a husband struggles in this area it very much affects the wife because it creates such a shift in the husband/wife roles. We all played house as little girls and those perceptions of marriage roles are reinforced by what we read and see.
Of course marriage roles change for many reasons but when one spouse is not capable of filling his/her role its hard. |
Wow so many in a similar position. How did you get over it? Or how do you get over it on an ongoing basis in the downcycles? How do you come to a place of acceptance?
I really feel that my reaction to the 'grief' affects our marriage badly.
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amother
Violet
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 8:53 am
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I settled but thought it t would be easier than it really is. I guess that what happens when you are in love at the time. You let things go...think you can deal with the issues .... when the love kinda settles, you are left with the issues. But like others said, I know I'm far from perfect too! I was so much older when I got married ...who knows when/if I would have ever married if I did not marry when I did. B"H now I have a family and somewhat normal life- much better than being single and childless.
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glamourmom
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 9:14 am
this describes it better than I can:
Never was the kind to think about dressing in white
Wasn't waiting on a prince to come riding into my life
Thought I was happy on my own
'Til you came and proved me wrong
I finally found what I never knew I always wanted
I couldn't see, I was blind 'til my eyes were opened
I didn't know there was a hole
Something missing in my soul
'Til you filled it up with your love, yeah
....
Life has a way of showing you just what you need
And who you were made to be, yeah
-Carrie Underwood
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amother
Slateblue
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 9:15 am
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Married almost 8 years. Did not settle. Some things about him frustrate me but we r both human and have a strong marriage. If I can do it again I would marry him in a heartbeat. Love him sooooo much!
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amother
Babypink
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 9:29 am
| amother wrote: | | Wow I'm married 7yrs and I'm still in the first stage of this, I need to stand up for what I want, need |
Ladies are always taught to give in and try to fix themselves and not there husbands.
But with men you sometimes do the right thing when your tough. My approach was, that I love my husband. But I as a person deserve a decent life, and if he is not willing to change, as I told him, that I'm ready for divorce. That was also a test if he likes me at all or not. I was terrified of the response. But I shouldn't have been, because that was the only thing that frightened him. He did like me a lot. (I'm still asking myself how this could be true, but I could tell he was sincere) That was the first time he really started working on himself. Don't tell you husband that unless you are not up to it. Be honest to your husband and yourself.
I used to communicate with text although it's not the recommended way. That's the only way I could tell him open and honest how I feel about him and the situation without getting angry and out of control.
Sorry for rambling so much. I can talk forever...
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rachel0615
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 9:38 am
| amother wrote: | Ladies are always taught to give in and try to fix themselves and not there husbands.
But with men you sometimes do the right thing when your tough. My approach was, that I love my husband. But I as a person deserve a decent life, and if he is not willing to change, as I told him, that I'm ready for divorce. That was also a test if he likes me at all or not. I was terrified of the response. But I shouldn't have been, because that was the only thing that frightened him. He did like me a lot. (I'm still asking myself how this could be true, but I could tell he was sincere) That was the first time he really started working on himself. Don't tell you husband that unless you are not up to it. Be honest to your husband and yourself.
I used to communicate with text although it's not the recommended way. That's the only way I could tell him open and honest how I feel about him and the situation without getting angry and out of control.
Sorry for rambling so much. I can talk forever... |
I personally dont think you should tell a spouse he must change. You can encourage him when he does the right thing or makes a choice you appreciate and you can tell him how happy you would be if he DID something. Telling him he must change who he is though is really not helpful.
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amother
Babypink
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 10:13 am
| rachel0615 wrote: | | I personally dont think you should tell a spouse he must change. You can encourage him when he does the right thing or makes a choice you appreciate and you can tell him how happy you would be if he DID something. Telling him he must change who he is though is really not helpful. |
The nice way didn't help the least. (I tried that for a year) He was tougher than you think. He never did the right thing anyways. I'm talking about a person that didn't care to please anyone. He knew that I love him and more than that he didn't care.
I told him that the only language he understands is a slap. He agreed.
Anyways, right or wrong... I did what my feeling told me is the only way out, and it worked. Now we're both so much happier
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amother
Apricot
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 10:50 am
| amother wrote: | | Ladies are always taught to give in and try to fix themselves and not there husbands |
Dh and I bh love each others very much.
But both of us, have not seen a traditional marriage growing up. (For example, his mother "wore the pants around the house" she was and is a good and very loving mother and wife. My mother was extremely abusive and neglectful)
And we both did want a traditional marriage.
It took a while to figure it out and are constrantly getting better.
Every person has baggage, some major some minimal.
A part of marriage is learning to view interactions for what they are, and judge if what I'm annoyed at / angry at / "insert negative emotions" is from this specific incident or is really bringing up old feelings.
As living and growing human beings we are both working on ourselves constantly.
But it wasn't always like that. I was the one working on myself amd expected him to do the same, but unless he was out of his comfort zone, no growing was happening!
We have normal ups and downs like every normal marriage but we love each others and that ultimately comes thru.
Men often are more self absorbed humans than woman. Woman are more likely to give in and to see the needs of others.
But giving in is easy. Sticking to whats right and amd in the long run best fir both of us and oir children and doing it in a kind SMART way - now that's HARD.
I'll give one recent example, we were working towards something big in our life, most of it his responsibility, but I by nature am a go getter, when something needs to be done I MOVE. And I work and attack th "it" from every direction. My dh is a more laid back person. He just takes it as it comes and goes slowly.
When it came to this specific thing, I told him that I understand this is a huge undertaking, and it's a lot, so if he thinks I can help him out in any way, to please let me know and I'll do my best.
The key is "HELP" because ultimately, it is his responsibility.
He come thru a LOT better than I ever would have dreamed.
In the past, I would have jumped in and did it for him because, "we might loose the opportunity and he's just being too laid back...." or subtly nagged him about it. And would have been eating myself up with anxiety. And been sooo resentful.
Instead, I did my part and sat back. No anxiety (once I got knew I was foing the right thing) no resentment and a wonderful outcome.
He felt like the MAN he is and could be, and I felt like a woman.
Point is, every man and woman has those weird habits the other has a hard time woth. But this really doesn't make or break a marriage.
It's the big things that count.
Imo, there are three things that makes a marriage a good marriage, and all the other things are bonuses.
Good Middos
The ability to adapt
The willingness to grow
And when we got engaged, "official" I was the settler and he the reacher.
I don't believe that's true. And I strongly believe we were both reachers.
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amother
Honeydew
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 11:04 am
Delete
Last edited by amother on Tue, Feb 12 2019, 1:14 am; edited 2 times in total
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