Is this a thoughtless thing to say?

amother

Sapphire

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 10:20 pm

If you see someone you havent seen in a while, and you both say something to that effect. Then you say "oh maybe because you don't send to the babysitter anymore and thats where I used to see you. My next kid goes there now". (her youngest outgrew babysitting)

Do you think that person will feel bad because maybe she doesnt' have a little baby and she really wants one. Was it a thoughtless/hurtful thing to say?

amother

Turquoise

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 10:51 pm

it might hurt but you are ok. I say this as someone who really wants to be able to have another kid and am incredibly sensitive. I don't hold those type of comments against people at all. Honestly I try to even not hold the comments when people tell me I should have another kid since I seem to long to be able to have an newborn again etc... yes fairly recently I've gotten two such comments.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 11:04 pm

Such comments have hurt me a little - but I don't blame or hold it against the person who said it because I assume they don't know I'm sensitive about it. So while I guess it would be nice to avoid such a comment, if you said it already, don't fret, just move on.

crust

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 11:22 pm

You didnt say anything disrespectful or deliberately hurtful. We are not malochim. As such, Any Meeting with another person always holds the possibility of unintentionally hurting the other person or being hurt. We can be carefull but ultimately, We are only human.

seeker

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 11:41 pm

It's the kind of thing that could have hurt the other person but isn't callous of you to say - it was in context, not randomly rubbing it in her face.

And I'm saying this as someone who's been extremely trigger-sensitive about this lately. I would have winced inside but not because you shouldn't have said it.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 6:46 am

I dealt with 20 years of infertility, and have one adopted child. I've heard just about everything, and been super hurt a lot.

That said, I don't hold ANYONE responsible for my feelings. My issues are MY issues. Other people are having perfectly normal, natural conversations. Just because I get triggered, does not give me the right to think that other people should censor themselves around me.

If people thought they couldn't talk about kids around me, I would feel even MORE like a nebach, and that just makes it worse.

Speaking just for myself, I'd rather be treated like a normal person, and deal with my pain quietly, than to have people tiptoeing around my feelings.

For me, it was actually healing for me to learn to accept that life goes on, and that I need to be able to celebrate other people's good fortune, without letting it make me sad or resentful.

CBT therapists reccomend exposure therapy, and that's exactly what I did to treat my "baby envy".

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 6:59 am

From the point of view of someone with an only child and a history of infertility: totally, absolutely ok. (Not ok would be saying "nu, so when are you having another?")

Observing that your daily routines have changed along with your respective children's ages and stages is normal conversation in the context of not seeing each other as often anymore.

For all you know, she may be thinking "I am so glad to be done with babysitters!"

If you would like to nurture the friendship it may take more effort now that your children aren't at the same place at the same time.

Rubber Ducky

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 7:28 am

At some point we can become so sensitive to possibly hurting feelings that we can't have a normal conversation. With the best of intentions we may start excluding people from participating in events and conversations that they want to be part of.

Your comment wasn't mean, snide, or rude. Unless your friend is known to be hyper-sensitive, you're OK.

amother

Rose

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 1:19 pm

My youngest is 3 1/2 and I have gotten SO many comments like "Time to have another one"
or "Are you going to have any more?" I just smile and say - no I am turning 40 ... I guess I look young (which I do) and B"H I am happy with my family so I don't care.

finallyamommy

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 7:32 am

amother wrote:

"Time to have another one"?? That's the most obnoxious thing I've ever heard. Who is she to tell you when it is time to do something that is solely up to you (and DH) and doesn't affect her at all?

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 8:43 am

Ok thank you all. I feel better.
After I said it I got nervous that it might be mean. I always see posts here where people complain that other people say thoughtless brainless comments, and sometimes I think that could totally be me. I'm known to say dumb things, and I feel like I am always second guessing myself if what I said was ok or not. (Sometimes it's really not ok!- I am not the brightest crayon in the box...)

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 9:17 am

op. There's someone I know like that. She said herself that she feels like she says stupid things. I kept my mouth shut Wink

but you know what, she means well, plenty of people really like her because she's friendly etc... and while I probably will not be close friends with her because we are just sooo different in every way possible I don't take what she says to heart so much, I know that she isn't trying to be hurtful. I think its great that you are trying to work on being sensitive to other people but please don't obsess over it, you'll just drive yourself crazy.