DD Disappointed---What should I do?

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 3:06 am

So, my dd's seminary dorm closes one evening this week. She REALLY wants me to come get her. (DH isn't driving there, but we have a driver who I could go with to get dd and drive home.) The problem is: 4 of my younger kids have an awards ceremony that exact same night. I CAN"T miss that!

BUT, my oldest dd is upset. I offered that the driver could leave later, and I could get her later that evening (it's about a 4 hour drive), but the dorm is closing strictly at a certain time, and there is no way I can get there by that time. I also offered I could come the next morning, and she could stay at a friend's house overnight, and I could come then and we could go out to lunch and do a bit of shopping before coming home. She asked her friend, and yes, she can stay overnight. However, I still hear a ton of disappointment in dd's voice that I can't come when the other parents are arriving. I feel really bad, but I can't miss the awards ceremony for the little kids!

What should I do? Thanks!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 3:11 am

Teens are naturally self centered. That's not an insult, it's just the way they are at that stage in life.

This is a good lesson for her, that sometimes she can't have everything. 4 little kids' needs outweigh her one need. You need to be there for the little ones.

Is she old enough to take a train or bus, and meet your driver somewhere closer? Maybe DH could pick her up from the station.

I think you've done a great job of thinking of compromises, and that you are sensitive to her feelings. Don't let her guilt trip you though. You can't be everywhere at once.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 3:50 am

amother wrote:

OP here: She wants ME to be there, and go with the driver. I can't drive that distance, and dh didn't want to drive the long distance either, so he hired the driver. That's fine. I just can't be in 2 places at once!

It's really sweet that she wants her Mom!

Make sure she knows how much you would love to come pick her up, and how hard it is for you to make the decision to be there for the little ones. Try to come up with a mother/daughter outing for a future date, so she'll have something to look forward to thatq is all hers.

She sounds like a lovely girl. Is she the oldest? Sometimes the oldest needs to feel "babied" too. It's hard being the responsible one all the time.

Sadie

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 3:53 am

amother wrote:

Yeah it sounds like you're doing your best to accommodate her and she doesn't appreciate it. Either she can get picked up on time by the driver or she can wait for you but be picked up later. Both are more than fair choices. I can't imagine my mother hiring me a private driver when I was 18 and away at college. I took trains and buses.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 4:02 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

OP here: Yup, she's the oldest. And I would love to get her at the set time. I feel so bad that I can't

I was actually there visiting her last Thursday, and took her out for some ice cream and shopping. DH had a meeting in the area, and we went out while he had his meeting. We brought a bunch of her stuff home.

I'm hoping she will decide to go with the plan of my getting her the next day. It's not a simple day on my end since her next youngest sister is graduating high school the next day, but I'm willing to do it if it makes her happy!

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 4:06 am

Sadie wrote:

OP here: We live a bit out of town...so no trains come this way. The bus takes 10 hours to get home because of all the transferring, and in order to get the proper connections, she would have to get the first bus at 5:45 am! Smile

So aside from dh, a driver is the best option we have found.

amother

Lime

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 4:51 am

I'm an oldest of a big family and can relate to your daughter's "need to be babied." I got engaged when my mother had a small baby and many other small kids at home, and did almost all of my wedding shopping (including flying abroad and buying sheitels) without my her. I didn't even dream of asking her, it was such a given, considering the circumstances. Although I didn't always relish my forced independence, in the long run I think it did me a lot of good. So OP, even if your daughter sounds a bit disappointed now, you may be doing her a favour by subtly encouraging her independence and teaching her to put the needs of others' before her own. Having said that, I think your compromise is a fantastic one and if it were me, I'd be delighted with that!

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 5:27 am

Your job is to be a mother, not a friend. You know what your responsiblities are for 'all' your children, and are doing what you can to make it work the best for everyone. It is ok for your daughter to feel disappointed; that is a part of life and it is a benefit for her to be learning how to deal with it as a teen.
It's not as if you let her stay homeless for the night - you carefully arranged not only sleeping arrangements, but a nice day for the two of you together the next day as well.

watergirl

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 5:33 am

I'm confused. Why cant your husband go to the award ceremony for the other kids and you go with the driver to pick your daughter up? I'm sorry to be the voice of dissent, but I really understand what she's feeling here. All of the other girls are looking forward to being picked up by their mothers at the same time. It's a very very sad feeling to have to go home with a friend because your mother can't be there or because your father isn't willing to work it out. If that's not the case, I apologize but that's how it sounds from your post. That her father just doesn't want to go or help. I dont blame her at all for being sad and disappointed.

watergirl

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 6:00 am

amother wrote:

No offense as I don't have all the details
Is she special needs??

If she is Seminary she is at least 19?
Why is she acting like she is 9
And why do want to enable her..
There must be a way for to take a car service to a bus/train

Firstly, I have no words.

Is she special needs? You mean does she have special needs. A person isn't "special needs". Secondly, I cant believe you are suggesting that because a sem girl wants her mother to pick her up, JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GIRL THERE, that there must be something wrong with her.

Then you say that this makes her into a small child? Why? Why isnt she allowed to have a human emotion and be bummed out that her parents cant come to pick her up? Its very hard to be the only one with out a parent coming for them. Especially because her father just doesnt want to make the drive or ride up. You dont find that hurtful? Dad cant be bothered. Mom cant be in 2 places at once, we know. But why cant this girl be allowed to be sad? Why do you have to insult, rudely, this girl?

animeme

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 6:13 am

It sounds like she's moving out of the dorm. It is very hard to move out and not go home. Can dh go with the driver? Or to the awards? Can you go earlier in the day? Can you send another loved relative? If nothing else, can you send the driver without you, and have her call you as soon as you get in the car and be on the phone with her?

With all due respect for her need to understand that she won't always get what she thinks she needs, oldest kids, particularly oldest daughters, often have their emotional needs placed far down the line in favor of younger kids who have concrete needs. It can be hard on then.

I'll throw in one more factor. I'm assuming you're in the US, and Dd is in seminary in the US. I'm also assuming most of her friends went to Israel. Whether she wanted Israel or not, being in the US does set her apart and she likely feels different because of it, in ways that can be painful. So I ask this: if dd was getting off a plane on that day, at an airport the same distance away as the school she's in now, would you make sure to go get her somehow, or would you send a car or have her stay over by someone else? This is an emotional time for her. I think you need to try to figure out a way to get either a parent or someone else meaningful for her over there to get her.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 7:04 am

I completely understand why you want to go to the awards ceremony for your younger kids, and why having their father go alone isn't a good alternative.

I also completely understand why she wants mom to pick her up.

That's no help!!

Random ideas: (1) can you pick her up earlier in the day, then have her surprise her siblings at the awards ceremony? (2) Do the official pick up the night before, moving her out. Then if she wants, she can "stay with a friend" until the day after the awards ceremony.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 7:10 am

animeme wrote:

OP here: I was there last week, and helped her pack up, and took home a lot of her belongings. We went out for ice cream and did some shopping. She only has what is left what she needed for the last few days, so she has very little to move out. I offered to arrange the driver for later that evening and arrive a few hours past when the dorm officially closes, but they have to be out at a set time. (So, we could go to the awards and still do the pick-up the same day, just get her a little later.) I have to be at the awards, but I'm trying to figure out a way to get her, too.

As for Israel...DD absolutely did not even WANT to go to Israel for seminary. Wasn't even a consideration for her. She chose the U.S, and is very happy about that.

Most girls' parents are not getting them. Most didn't even get dropped off by parents (I was there). Most are getting rides, taking buses, or flying home.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 7:14 am

SixOfWands wrote:

OP here: I totally understand too, which is why I am trying to make it work!

Picking her up earlier won't work...there is a small window for pick-up and we'd never make it back for the awards. Night before won't work. But, like I said, in an earlier post, I was there last week and we did some packing up together, took pictures, went for ice cream.