"You always yell at me"

amother

White

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 9:59 am

As per 8 y/o DS.

He has ADHD and possibly a bit of anxiety. He is also the most negative child I have ever met, which is so hard for me (as a very positive person overall). Everyone is always out to get him. He is never wrong. It's always somebody else's fault. And I always yell at him.

I'm working very hard on not yelling. Once in a while I do. But most of the "yelling" that he's talking about is actually reprimanding or correcting in a firm way, seriously not raising my voice (in fact I deliberately try to lower it). But I really think that he's actually convinced that I yell at him all the time, and that I'm so mean to him all the time.

I try to be positive with him. I really do. But it's really hard when he's so negative and so many of his behaviors need to be corrected - he's always picking fights with his little sister and his friends (yes, he has social difficulties), bossing everyone around, and refusing to take blame for anything, ever.

We're considering medicating him - please do not tell me that I should do it ASAP. There are complicating factors that I will not discuss here.

What I'm asking for is advice on how to make most of our interactions positive. Please help me! We do have a chart/points system in place where he gets points for behaviors that we're working on, but it's slow going because he really just doesn't do those behaviors as often as he could. He also gets a certain amount of screen time and loses minutes for specific negative behaviors, which helps for a bit, but I need more positivity rather than negativity.

When he's good, he's so good (usually after a blowup and adrenaline dump) - he's smart, he's funny, he's lovable. But so so so often he's just not, and it's so hard to create positive interactions from practically nothing.

Wise Imamothers, please help Very Happy

amother

Wine

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:28 am

The negativity is not easy. I try my best to disconnect from it. I realized that its nothing to do with reality. It's his own mood and I can make cartwheels all over and he'll still be moody. For instance, I have 5 next pants for him. I fixed it according to his exact size. I also took him along to shop for his shirts because thought this way I'll minize the early morning negativity.

Sunday 7 am;
These pants are so big! I can't find my chumish!. Missed bus. Finds it a minute later in the vanity where he brushed his teeth.

Monday 6 am;
these pants aren't mended properly. I look so funny in them! I want you to make another seam here.

Tuesday 6 am;
I don't have what to wear. All the shirts I have are not for me. (Remember that he chose them two weeks ago.)

Wednesday 6 am;
I only have such funny shirts. I can't wear them. (Remember that he's about to wear the same pants he complained about yesterday but no mention about it not being fixed properly.)

Thursday 6 am;
Why didn't you wake me up at 5? I had to study! No mention about pants shirts etc.

Friday 6 am;
I am sure I wont know my farher. Its impossible. I never know anything.
(Please note that he's one of The top boys in class according to his rebbe.)

I learned to listen and empathise but I try not to get sucked in. His moods change quicker than I find solutions to them...
I keep my own mood positive and All of a sudden he's off to the bus with a smile!!

amother

White

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:48 am

LOL at the shirts, we have the same issue. He decides on a couple of favorites and then gets into a funk when the others are the only clean ones.

And at the knowing his farher, DS - who is an incredible speller - has a spelling bee this week and keeps saying that he doesn't want to go to school that day. I think he has stage fright. Even though it will just be in his classroom.

The moodiness just colors every interaction though, and he's constantly getting into fights with me and DH and DD. And it makes the whole tone of our house negative.

But what really concerns me most is that he believes it. He believes that we are mean to him. He believes that I always yell at him. He believes that everyone else is terrible to him.

Help!

animeme

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:56 am

No specific advice, but many kids with adhd, and definitely with anxiety, are particularly sensitive. In fact, often, very sensory kids are also sensitive emotionally, meaning that they feel tone or inflection more deeply the same as they would hate a seam on a sock or taste thay the cheese stick has been out of the fridge for a whole hour. So a mild correction said in anything but the most loving, genuine voice is experienced as yelling or harsh scolding (yes, they can sense fake tone). It is very, very frustrating, for both parent and child.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 11:09 am

can you try to minimize the reprimands? I have a child exactly like yours. I wish we could discuss in real life. alas anonymity is good too. I so understand you. its very hard with a child with adhd. this is who they are. there is no real answer. they struggle and you dont have to take the blame if what your doing is ok. your not being abusive. they take things much more intense because the answer is adhd. mordechai weinberger describes them as "everything about them is fire" so they experience everything more accutely.

I just heard a david liberman say that as parents we are more critical and need to be more positive. he speaks on torahanytime. adhd children will always have struggles. try to balance the criticism with positivety. understand that he doesnt want to be reprimanded because hes sensitive. and good for him for being expressive. its better that way then him not telling you. so you know where your up with him and how to correct. but remember they have challenges and you cant be the miss perfect. he should be in therapy to learn this. that his experiences are his and reality is different. I know hes young but he will evettually understand this.

medication will help him immensly. he will be able to hear you with out so much argumentativeness.

my ds is the captain of argumentativeness! I think he could be the greatest lawyer because of this. jokes aside. there is nothing I say 90% of my comments come with an argument. when hes on meds he doesnt do as much. still he has bad days and good ones.

these children will always struggle.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 11:14 am

amother wrote:

is he in therapy? please I know you said your not putting him on meds. it will save his life and everyone around. trust me I have the same. and ontop of this ds has encopresis. so I have my hands full. im jsut saying hes crying for help. I feel so sorry for him. because he will do so much bnetter and be so much less negative when hes on meds. please I dont have anything except therapy and meds to tell you the route is the best. even then they still struggle but you wont be so worn out and feel hopeless and lost. its truly the most important. poor kid.

amother

Wine

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 11:15 am

amother wrote:

But what really concerns me most is that he believes it. He believes that we are mean to him. He believes that I always yell at him. He believes that everyone else is terrible to him.

Help!

I was talking specifically about the AM while he is not under the meds yet.
Because he's taking meds, he is slowly becoming aware that its his moodiness, not an external issue.
It doesn't mean that while he is moody he will stop himself, but I believe that if little awareness could happen, so is there room for more awareness.
My son is older. Give your son a chance. Easy said...ha! I know.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 11:23 am

can I join the club of my struggles? ds is always bored and will cry if he doesnt play all day with someone. a total meltdown if he has noone to play right now. and the argumentativeness! my good ness! hes gonna be a super lawyer one day. hes the best. one day when someone will look for a good lawyer I will have to think about ds and (refer to him). ha. its not funny. he doesnt want to take blame for anything.

but he has a heart of gold. will do anything for me when im not well. will offer me what he can when im not well. like a dotting grandmother. "ma what can I give you to make you feel better?"

but cant decide when hes shopping for anything small when it comes to the smallest toy. getting him to school he needs 2 hours none less. or he wont make it. but by the skin of his teeth. takes him forever.

but if you want to build something using tools and wood and paint and nails anything in construction hes there and ready to shlep the heaviest stuff. nothing iwll stand in his way then. but get him to pick up his laundry "oh my"

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 12:02 pm

amother wrote:

I could have written every single word you wrote, except I have a DD. The ADHD, the anxiety, the negativity, refusal to take blame, feeling like being reprimanded is being yelled at.

I just want you to know that it's completely normal. Its tough to have positive interactions - when I compliment my DD she denies it. I keep complimenting her for good behavior, and I remind her that the only appropriate response to a compliment is to smile and say nothing or say thank you. She's getting it very slowly.

I got some workbooks that were extremely helpful for anxiety and negativity. I will look them up soon and post them here when I remember.

amother

White

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 12:39 pm

Thank you all so much. It's good to hear that this is (kinda) normal Very Happy

Cobalt, yes, he's getting a lot of negativity. I recognize that. And I vow to do better. But then he gets home and it's nonstop bickering and nonstop eyerolling (good heavens, I didn't know an 8-year-old could be a teenager) and nonstop backtalk. It's exhausting. And there are so few things that he does that I can compliment. Trust me, I try Confused

Blonde, I'd love those workbooks - are they for me or for him??

And yes, he is in therapy, but we've missed the last couple of weeks due to scheduling and other extenuating circumstances. He's definitely improved, and I think he's growing up, but then along comes a day when I can't decide if he's acting more like a 3-year-old or a 15-year-old and it's hard to see the positive.

imasinger

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 1:18 pm

Story of my life.

Hashem has blessed me with several children who interpret the smallest raised eyebrow as tantamount to child abuse -- and the occasional complete inability to hear just how loud and obnoxiously they are shrieking about the inconsequential thing that led me to raise an eyebrow.

It's not easy.

A therapist helped DH and me to see and understand how the rebbes, teachers, bosses that were most effective and helped us grow as people were the ones who let us see how much they appreciated and respected our strengths, who gave us tons of encouragement.

That's what we can do for our kids.

In the kindest and friendliest of ways, remind them, discreetly and IN OR BEFORE THE MOMENT of the behavior we expect. Prompt him with the words he needs to say, rather than critiquing the words he chooses without giving him a more acceptable alternative. Too far afterwards, and mussar often doesn't do anything but engender bad feelings.

Tone of voice matters a lot. What helps me is constantly reminding myself that I need to be like the life coach, primarily there to cheer or gently remind. And there usually is some small thing to cheer if I look hard enough.

I saw a great teacher do this in a class of rambunctious kindergartners. One threw a toy at the most aggressive boy in the class. The teacher swooped down while revenge was just a gleam in the child's eye, and said, "wow, you are SUCH a tzaddik! I saw the way he threw that toy, and it must have been really tempting to throw something back. But you have such self control that you held yourself back and did the right thing, good for you!"

Mr. Aggressive drew himself up a few inches and looked proud.

Keep stressing the importance of taking responsibility. Make sure you model it by apologizing publicly whenever needed, and remind him cheerfully and encouragingly in the moment of what he must do. Praise him lavishly and frequently.

And don't forget the importance of one on one time, where you don't teach or preach, just appreciate, so that he has plenty of non judgmental interaction with you.

Last edited by imasinger on Mon, Jun 12 2017, 9:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 1:51 pm

That's what we can do for our kids.

In the kindest and friendliest of ways, remind them, discreetly and IN OR BEFORE THE MOMENT of the behavior we expect. Prompt him with the words he needs to say, rather than critiquing the words he chooses, without giving him a more acceptable alternative. Too far afterwards, and mussar often doesn't do anything but engender bad feelings.

this. and this is good for anyone in general. not jsut adhd. we all dont want a mussar shmoose after we lost it.